Oh what fun...

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.

Here, our Christmas eve festivities went really well. Everyone seemed to enjoy the food and we all had fun talking and laughing at this and that. The kids were well behaved even though they'd been to a couple of other places visiting and were clearly excited about Santa's impending arrival.

People didn't stay too late, were gone before 11pm. After they left S and i did the big clean up and were quite brutal about it, according to her directions. Most food got thrown out. Her reasoning was that it had been sitting out since we'd eaten...we were so busy socializing that we left things. It was hard to argue with her (it always is)...she is the oldest and what she says goes. After we cleared everything up...i was meant to make my stuffing for the next days turkey...but i just couldn't...i was worn out. Instead i think i spent time with Tim (i can't remember if i had a wee nap first) and we enjoyed ourselves, as usual.

This year Tim and i ...because of our finances, decided not to buy gifts for each other. It's so hard not to buy for someone you love so much...i'm a natural-born giver and want to give...but i refrained. Well i could resist no longer and yesterday i ordered some cheese. I ordered a basket for him some months ago from this place called Igourmet. They sell specialized cheeses and fine foods. I'd highly recommend them to anyone. Anyway i ordered a gift basket for him some months ago that i was able to put together and one of the things i chose was some Stilton cheese. Well he loved it and since money is so tight for us this year, i knew he wouldn't treat himself to some more so i ordered him some of that and another favourite of his, brie. This time i sent him some Canadian brie. I hope it's good...i just thought it would be nice to have something from my country. So that should be arriving soon...and i hope he enjoys it and eats it in good health...cheese is just so yummy anyway.

SO back to Christmas. On the eve of...i spent time with Tim and then we decided we'd better go to sleep...which meant it was time for me to fill the stalkings. Yes we still do that here even though we are all adults. It's just a bit of fun and i enjoy doing it. I didn't realize how much stuff i'd bought...so the stockings were all over-flowing...a mix of practical and yummy things.

On the morning of, we rose fairly early, i think it was 9am and once everyone was up and about we sat down to open gifts. I ended up buying a fair amount of things for my sister....well for everyone. S and i gave mother an electric blanket (which we promptly returned on Boxing day)...she didn't even want to try it, she just decided it would be too hot for her ...this from the woman who is almost always cold. Oh well. As it turns out, we bought her a nice, incredibly soft blanket instead.

After we all opened our gifts i got to work on the stuffing. It took me a little while, i make a sausage stuffing....thankfully it turned out better this time than it did for Thanksgiving. We got the veggies and everything ready, stuffed the bird...put it in the oven...and by this time it was 1.30pm so we all decided to lay down for a nap. I think all of us (except my nephew) slept until 5pm, i think we were still tired from the night before....thankfully nephew was awake sooner and had been basting the bird. When we woke at 5pm the bird was a golden beauty and smelled yummy.

After dinner, which we all thoroughly enjoyed, we got the dishes done and relaxed for the evening. The next day, Boxing day too...i started some turkey soup and sister started the process of taking down the tree and decorations (no time to waste). I don't know why she was in such a hurry. She is off over the holidays until the 5th of January so she has 11 days off. Good for her buy she's been like a little whirlwind around here, cleaning etc...bless her little heart.

One day, since we had to go return mother's blanket and some other things, we braved the mall. Wow...it was packed. I think we went the Saturday following Christmas (but now i can't exactly remember)...sister returned what she had to...i bought myself a new purse with my Christmas money...a black Kathy Van Zeeland purse, my current favourite bags. I have three now and i just love them...but back to my mall story. We hurried around the mall as it was just plain nuts and i don't like crowds like that...and sister has very little patience for people...so we got what we wanted and left. The following day we went to Walmart. We had a return there...and again it was crazy...and the line-ups were almost as bad as the ones i'd encountered prior to Christmas. I decided then and there that i'd stay away from the stores for a while...til things have calmed down.

Since then we've just been getting on with things...i have a dental appointment on the thirty-first at 8.30am to get my teeth cleaned (yay!) then after that i'm meeting my sister Lane to get a manicure and pedicure. I am SO looking forward to that. On the sixth i go to see my oncologist and on the 12th i begin another round of chemo. I finish in February then will see what happens after that. I'm so excited to find out what this new year will mean for me, my health and my future with Tim.

New Years eve will be quiet here...no partying. We usually order in some Chinese food but my sister doesn't want to do that this year...so i'd better find out what, if anything, we're doing for New Years day dinner...but hopefully i'll be online with Tim to ring in the new year with him.

Will check back in with all of you soon...before the new year for sure. Now i'll pop round your blogs to hear about your CHristmases.

Tis the season

Been so busy the last few days...i bet all of you are too. Shopping and getting things ready for the big day. Finally completed my shopping on Sunday but couldn't resist going back to the mall tonight to pick up one gift i'd spotted for my sister but didn't pick up. It was one of those things, a pretty, sparkly bracelet that had caught my eye. She loves blue and it is blue with various faux stones in it...there are three of them, very pretty...and i just couldn't resist getting it for her. Picked up a few more small stocking stuffers too...and two pairs of gloves for myself. I've loved being out in the crowds doing the last minute shopping but it has made me miss Tim all the more.

We are having family over on Christmas eve. We are serving finger foods..a casual affair, everyone is bringing something. It will be fun, full of yummy food and good company. My family isn't close so it will be especially nice to see everyone, i am really looking forward to it.

S has been busy baking, lemon squares, shortbread, hello dolly squares and mincemeat and butter tarts. Monday i made some sweet and sour meatballs and tomorrow i will make the stuffing for the turkey for Christmas day. I have tons of wrapping to do but that is not a chore for me, i love to do it.

Mother has been in reasonable spirits, sister too. I am looking forward. I have two more months of chemo and then we'll see what the future holds. I feel good. I feel strong and i feel very positive.

On that note i will wish all of you a very merry Christmas. I hope you have a wonderful holiday season surrounded by your loved ones. I look forward to reading all about it on your blogs.

Merry Christmas to all...and God bless.

This too shall pass

Brrrr, it's so chilly in here...it feels like the heat isn't even on. I do have the window open a crack. I do like the fresh air and mother needs the fresh air but i think i'll close it for a while.

I didn't sleep much last night. I had a middle-of-the-night-bath and was wide awake until 7.30 am. By then i was a bit sleepy and laid down. I slept until 10am. Now i have a headache. I hope it passes.

Mother woke up a little while ago, in time for the Price is Right (one of her favourite shows). She isn't speaking...yet. When the show is done i'll ask her what she'd like to eat and will find out what sort of mood she is in. Thus far she hasn't said one word to me. I have spoken to her and i'm not sure if she is ignoring me (which she does do) or didn't hear me. In either case i didn't feel like repeating myself. I feel like i'm in a mood too...not a bad one, a sad one.

And bad/sad moods are all around me. Of course my nephew M is always in a bad mood. He rarely speaks to me when we pass in the hall or we see each other when i'm in the kitchen. S just emailed me from work. It was to be another day off for her today but yesterday she decided to go in. She says she isn't in a good mood, feels suicidal and i feel helpless. Now i am not alarmed that she says she is suicidal. By that she means she is weepy, down...but not going to take her life. That much i know.

So all around me is sadness or anger or whatever it is. I'm fighting to rise above it. After all i am still alive, fighting this disease and living day to day. Sure i've got an infected tooth but it's being taken care of and i have pills for the pain. I have a wonderful man in my life who loves me and i have food and shelter and i have this little blog and all of you who take time out of your days to wish me well, offer your prayers and thoughts and visit me often. I shouldn't be too sad about not being with Tim, i know we'll be with each other in spirit and i know we'll be together as soon as we can be.

SO i better perk up, eh. Christmas is upon us afterall.

Bah humbug...almost

As Christmas nears, my mood saddens. Tim and i were meant to be together this Christmas but financially it's just not possible. Hopefully we'll be able to spend time together but i know it's a busy family time for him. We'll have a get together here on Christmas eve with my sisters other son and his wife and children here...but Christmas day it will just be the four of us here. Sure we'll have a nice dinner but i won't be with Tim.

So i'm finding it hard to get into the spirit of things. I've yet to do any shopping. I desperately need to go but with chemo and this darned tooth i've just had to put it off. S has been busy with her own things too and my aunt, who has offered to come stay with mother when i need to go, has been sick, so things just aren't working out. S had the day off Monday and i had thought it would be a good time to get out to the stores but it turned out she had plans of her own and was in and out most of the day and into the evening. Maybe i'll get to go on Tuesday at dinner time. Maybe Sue will fix dinner for her and mother and i can go out then. Maybe getting out and doing some shopping will put me in more of a Christmas spirit. I can only hope.

I have two more months of chemo after finishing this past weeks round. So i'll be done in time for my birthday in February. I hope and pray for good results.


Mother is in a fit state. She has never been one to enjoy the holiday season. I don't know why. There have been times when i've tried to talk to her about it, about why she gets like this...but when i have it only makes her worse. Obviously it's a sore subject for some reason. I try to be understanding but she gets so miserable she affects me as she has been lately. Earlier tonight she told me she wants to cancel the hairdresser coming because she just doesn't want to get her hair done for Christmas. I can't believe it. She always wants to look nice. I think i'll wait a few days and see if she changes her mind.

We are expecting snow later on in the week. I hope it comes. It doesn't feel like winter. Sure it's been cold but to see snow on the ground would make it real...and it's always nice to have a white Christmas, isn't it.

Earlier on MSN my sister L and i chatted. We've been keeping in touch via email but i haven't seen her in years even though she lives in the same city. It's difficult to explain why. My family is so dysfunctional and L has been separated from the family for as long as i can remember. It's been so long that i can hardly remember why. Mother sees her as a trouble maker. So does my sister S. My sister Lane has no time for her. I am the only one who keeps in touch but as i said, via email. L wants more. This puts me in an awkward position. I love L and want to see her but it would make things rocky here. My mother went through a bitter divorce and L seemed (according to mother) to take 'his' side. I can't remember all that has gone on anymore and quite frankly i don't care. L is my sister and i want to see her. I have to talk to S and mother about it. I know they won't be happy, i do know that. L feels sad and left out of everything. She's had some strokes lately, has had to give up nursing because of her many health problems and she needs family. I want to be there for her and i know email isn't quite doing it. I'm trying. It's just a bit difficult because i just can't leave mother behind. She doesn't want to be left on her own. As i've mentioned in prior posts (i think?) ...mother lives in the bedroom. We share a room. We have tv and my computer in here. She doesn't like me to leave the room. If i go to the living room to sit with S for a while, chat or watch tv, she gets mad...and i mean mad. She'll get into a real snit and sometimes won't talk for days. Otherwise she will just make things supremely miserable.

So, what to do. I know i'll figure something out but it will take some time. Perhaps when my aunt is feeling better i can ask her to come visit with mother while i go see L...or we could meet for a coffee or go shopping together. It will get figured out i'm sure...and i'll have to deal with mother and her foul moods..i always do.

Just a word from me to you

Brrrr...it's chilly as i'm sitting here. It is very nearly 4am and i just got finished playing Monopoly with Tim. Since neither one of us felt good today, this was the first time we'd been together, so we played three games and had some laughs. He's gone to bed now and i'll be heading there too shortly..i just thought i'd blog a bit.

My friend Rich came over on Wednesday. I had invited him over to look at my computer and our new tv. The new tv was hooked up and working but for some reason we couldn't switch it over to the digital box. My sister has it set up so she just gets the basic cable channels so that she can tape on her vcr...but we discovered the problem of the cable box and i knew Rich would be able to solve it. He was to stay for dinner and we were to watch a movie...and he was also going to take a look at my computer. He got here shortly before noon. We had already made plans to go get a few groceries. Mother wanted me to go and get some things to make a cabbage casserole, which i'll make on Sunday....but then i picked up the stuff for dinner that day too...and some other things too. Before we left for the stores, he looked at the tv and decided it needed new wiring. So he toook the wires off the LCD tv in my bedroom and put it on the one in the living room and decided the tv in my room needed HDMI cables. Don't ask me what they are...i just paid for them and asked no questions, since he always knows what he is doing. When we got back he went to work, putting the cables on. That didn't take long at all and before long i had the groceries all put away. Since i've been on chemo this week, having it at home...i got to feel nauseous and ended up being quite sick. Thankfully Rich is understanding and kind of knows the drill. We decided to order and movie on demand from the cable thingie...and began watching that so i could lay down and rest...but i promptly fell asleep, not surprisingly. I'm always tired.

I didn't miss too much of the movie. We watched Run Fatboy Run. Rich explained what i did miss and i perked up for the end of it and enjoyed it quite a bit. I wanted to rent another but i knew i'd never stay awake...besides it was time i needed to start dinner. After dinner, we did dishes and i packed up some leftovers (we had pasta with fresh mozzarella) and he left. He had to go to work the next morning, i was feeling unwell...and my sister wanted the living room back.

When i headed back to the bedroom and mom...she asked me if i'd turned off the closed captioning button (we keep it on at all times because it helps mom enjoy tv since her hearing is going)...i didn't think i had but i checked...nope, it was on. So i tried another channel, with a different program, to see if it was just that particular show that she was watching...nope. It just wasn't working. I couldn't figure it out...i checked the settings over and over. Then mom mentioned something pertinent. It hadn't worked since Rich changed the cables. Uh-oh. I texted Rich since i wasn't sure if he was home yet and he said he didn't think it would be because of the cables. In the end i ended up changing the cables back to the original ones...for some reason the hdmi cables didnt allow for the cc. Do any of you know why that is? Weird.

After he left i slept and slept. As i mentioned earlier, Tim has been under the weather ...so the two of us have spent a lot of time apart, unfortunately. I hope he feels better soon, i miss him terribly.

This afternoon mother had a nosebleed. Not sure what causes them every now and again, i suspect it's the oxygen tube, probably drying out her nose with the constant flow. I had just begun to make lunch for the two of us when it started so i shut it down to try to help her. It took about 45 minutes for us, pinching her nose as hard as she could stand, before it finally stopped. She got herself all uptight and in a fit state but i stayed calm and was able to talk her through it. All she could think of was what if i'd gone out shopping (as we'd talked about the night before)...and she'd been alone.

After it stopped she didn't have an appetite. We were going to have poached eggs but in the end she just had some toast and tea. I had eggs and it was yummy but it didnt stay with me long. Afterwards we both laid down for a nap, a nice long one at that.

I still have tons and i do mean TONS of Christmas shopping to do. I'm hoping to get out either get out tomorrow or Sunday. It's just getting closer and closer and won't get done on its own. I have some ideas for some gifts but the others i will just look around.

Brrrr, i'm really chilly so will close and crawl into my cold bed which i hope will warm up quickly. Hope you all have a great weekend...i'll be around to read y ou all soon!

Toothy news

Well Monday i started chemo again and so far so good. Yes i've been sick and combined with the tooth, in general, been feeling quite miserable at time...but hey, i'm still alive and kicking, right.

Tuesday i went to the dentist. Relatively uneventful appointment. After doing an xray she (the dentist) determined that my tooth is infected and she started me on a new antibiotic. She didn't want to give me anything for the pain, instead said it should start to feel better in three to four days. I am not sure i can last that long with this pain, so tomorrow i will call my doctor and see if i can get some more percocets to tide me over. I go back on December 31 at 8.30am to have a full set of xrays and to have my teeth cleaned. She said it would probably make more sense to extract the tooth rather than do a root canal and since it is at the back of my mouth, i will be able to do just fine without it. Good news to me because i've heard some real horror stories about root canals and even if i hadn't...they just don't sound like fun. Thing is, i haven't had a tooth pulled since i was a child and i cannot remember what it's like. I think it hurt but surely dentistry has come a long way since then. Either way i am looking forward to it being taken care of and looking forward to having some nice clean teeth for the new year.

Other than my chemo and my tooth, not much new happening with me. On Sunday my sister came with me and we went to get groceries. BIG mistake taking her. She has no patience for crowds and part way through shopping she starting telling me to hurry up (have i mentioned how bossy my sister is)...there were things we needed and she kept trying to talk me out of getting them. It got so frustrating i just wanted to tell her to go if she wanted to (which i'm sure she'd have taken me up on) but we were, at that point, pushing two grocery carts and so i needed her help. We got a ton of groceries because we were out of a lot of things and plus she needed a bunch of things for baking...sugar, flour, fine sugar,nuts, coconut, butter, chocolate and butterscotch chips...etc etc. She loves to bake at this time of year. Has made a few batches of shortbread already but she took those to work to give to her boss to take home, apparently she just loves it and i must admit it is quite yummy.

Wednesday my friend Rich is coming over. We are going grocery shopping to pick up some things for dinner and for a cabbage casserole that i am going to make on the weekend. When we get back he'll be doing some work on my computer, as well as readying my other computer so i can send it to Tim. He'll also be checking on the new tv. For some reason i don't think i have it hooked up correctly because i can't switch over to the dvd or digital cable. Hopefully he'll solve those matters and then we can watch a movie. It's his day off from work so i appreciate him coming over.

Tim and i just playing...yep, you got it...Monopoly. I won the last game, hooray for me...i enjoy my wins when they happen...so few and far between. He has gone to bed and i'm having a wave of nauseousness right now so i think i'll close and go to bed.

Are you all ready for Christmas yet?

Monopolizing our time...

Gosh, i woke just a little while ago and ouch, the percocets have worn off. Then again i think i only took one before going to bed (in the wee hours of the morning) so maybe that's why it hurts so bad right now.

I really do need to go for groceries though. We're running out of things and we need meats and things for dinners. Feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment with all of the shopping that still needs to be done and not looking forward to Tuesdays dentist appointment...but really trying to just hang in there and deal with it.

I don't know if i've mentioned here but our latest game playing craze is Monopoly....it's like we've forgotten all of the other games we enjoyed and we are addicted. Well i can't speak for Tim but i certainly am. I have always loved playing Monopoly...but no one else in my family ever enjoyed it....so the year i was given it for CHristmas, i think someone played with me...but thereafter it mostly sat on a shelf, until i was older and discovered friends who also enjoyed it. Two of my favourite games are Monopoly and Trivial Pursuit. Both games can last for hours and i love that...the getting together with family or friends or both...to sit around a table and play and enjoy each other's company....so now i get to spend my time with Tim, playing it online (how cool is that) and enjoying his company. Problem is (or maybe it isn't such a problem...no wait, it is!)...he wins like 90% of the time, if not more. He makes all the good deals with the robots we play with...and just beats the pants off of me...i don't know, maybe he just has more of a business acumen and i do not....whatever it is, he's good at this too, much to my chagrin.

Luckily though, i just love spending time with him, playing one of my favourite games...how can it not be fun.

Dental woes

So i was foolish. My tooth started feeling 'better' last week and in a last ditch effort of avoidance, i didn't call the dentist. Wednesday i was in excruciating pain and i finally called the dentist. It's a new dentist to me, it will be my first visit...but they are short one dentist right now so the soonest i could get in is Tuesday at 2.30. My own darn fault, i'll have to wait. She did say she'd put me on the short list to get called in Thursday if they had a cancellation, so i woke early that day and washed my hair and had myself mentally ready to go. They didn't call...but midday i finally called my family doctor to ask for something for the pain. They sent me out some percocets, which didn't arrive until almost 7pm...but as soon as they did i took two. They are helping me get by. They don't totally alleviate the pain but it dulls it. Maybe after i have some more in my system it will work better. I can only hope.

Lesson learned though....don't ignore dental problems.

Otherwise, we are slowly getting ready for Christmas. My sister has begun the baking aspect. We have started a list of things i need to get at the grocery store. We'll be having some family over on Christmas eve and food will be served, so we've been planning on things to have. So far we've decided on cheeses and kielbassa with crackers and pickles, sweet and sour meatballs, a fruit platter and various baked goods. We are trying not to go overboard with food because we don't have a huge fridge so storage is an issue, especially considering we'll have food in for the big dinner on Christmas day. It should be fun, i am really looking forward to it.

Still have all my Christmas shopping to do for mother. I don't mind doing it last minute, it sort of gets me in the Christmas spirit being in the hustle and bustle of the stores. I hope to get it going this weekend, assuming i'm well enough with this darned tooth.

On Monday my sister came home from work and went to turn on the tv in the living room and found out the tv died. At first we thought it was the remote, so i changed the batteries. Nope...wasn't that because i then thought to try turning it on by the button on the front of the tv. That didn't work either. Sheesh. We can't do without a tv in the living room, especially since my sister sleeps there, it is technically her bedroom...so off we went to Sears and in less than an hour she'd bought a new 32inch LCD tv. It was a dream for us to get it home, they are light as feathers practically. It was a real pain to carry the old one down to the garbage room in our building, those older tvs are so heavy and cumbersome but we did it, my sister and i (while my nephew lay in his comfy bed, watching tv...grrrr!) It is a great tv and cost her less than $600...so she was pleased.

Well i'll close this post and run around to all your blogs before i head to bed. It's the wee hours of the morning but i don't think i can sleep ....yet.

Results are in

Wednesday was a day for great news!

First and foremost, the cancer has not spread. Thank God! My doctor said it might have been a shadow on the first test or perhaps it was misread but the second scan was fine, as was the internal and pap test. Whew! I felt i could breathe after that.

In other good news, my blood pressure is much better, it was 140 over 70, so i don't need to be on medication for high blood pressure. Wouldn't have been the end of the world but it was definitely worrisome.

One thing concerning my doctor was the fact that my blood sugar is out of whack. I am diabetic and take a drug called Metformin. I used to take one tablet twice daily...he doubled that. I'll need to be more diligent about it, i confess i am not right now but will strive to improve on that. In January i will go and see the diabetic dietician and see what she can help me with...i know there is plenty of room for improvement.

Two recommendations my doctor made was to get my eyes checked and see a podiatrist. I will do both right after the holidays. Will feel weird seeing a foot doctor (i'll definitely need a pedicure beforehand) but i think it would be for the best.

So that is my news, finally. Tim and i are both very happy. Now i can get back to my neuro-oncologist and go from there....will keep you posted.

No news is good news...so far

Here i am, the wee hours of Sunday/Monday, posting.

I am sorry i haven't posted sooner. Short story long, i didn't make my appointment on Wednesday because i ended up with an infected tooth. Talk about pain...amazing how such a little thing can cause so much pain...but it did. I was put on antibiotics and will call and make a dental appointment as soon as the course of pills is done. I don't think they'll do anything with me until then. All week i've been taking multiple tylenol 3's and oxys. They would dull the pain but i could always tell when they were wearing off...the left side of my face hurt. I am feeling much better but it hasn't totally gone away, yet. It is a broken tooth at the back and i'm thinking perhaps another small piece broke off, exposing a nerve. Will find out more when i finally get to the dentist. Gosh i sort of an aversion to them. I do have fairly nice teeth and do brush and gargle but i'm lazy when it comes to flossing. I know it's one of the first things they'll say...and i'll do whatever it takes if they'll just make sure this pain stays away.

Funny how i have a hard time dealing with the pain of a toothache...(since it really knocked me for a loop) but my battle with cancer wages on and i can deal with that (mostly).

So the wait for the news continues. I tried to get in sooner, say for instance this week but my doctor is away this week so the soonest i could get in was the 26th...another wait. This time, come hell or high water i will make that appointment. I simply must know.

In other news, the more things change (around here) the more they stay the same. Just when i think i had my mom's sights set on assisted living, my sister talked her out of it. Told her it was no place for her and she wouldn't allow her to go. (Gee Sue, thanks for consulting me, the caregiver on that one)...i mean she didn't even ask what i wanted. She simply decided.

I can't think about it right now though...too much going on in my head as is. After i find out, when i know...then i can make decisions for myself. I hope.

Another Sunday night posting

Another Sunday late night and here i am posting. Nothing new to report, i've been doing relatively well...the usual headaches and the constant tiredness is with me but i am getting through each day just fine.

The latest thing around here is my sisters Sues obsession with buying a new electric fireplace for our living room. She is having trouble coming up with ways to finance the idea and has sort of put it on me to come up with a way. Problem is i feel, as a people-pleasing person, that i want to help...but i really can't...i'm really struggling myself for various reasons. Usually when she gets this way, i do manage to find a way to help her but after being burned one too many times, i'm trying to just stay out of it.

My sister Linda is in bad health. She is a nurse but can no longer work as one because she has several health issues preventing that. One of which is her high blood pressure. She is about 12 years older than i am and has smoked all of her life. Though she has been cautioned by her doctor to quit, she is finding it very hard to. I understand. Not that i've ever been a smoker but i can certainly appreciate how difficult it would be...but the thing is she has had several strokes now and i am worried about her. Her latest stroke was last weekend and she just got out of hospital. I will continue to pray for her to get well and find the strength to give up the smoking.

Mother has been unwell the last little while. The problem is, she wont let me make a doctors appointment to take her in to have her seen. She just tells me she can't make it there, she is too weak, etc. Well these days doctors don't do home visits, or at least ours doesn't and so she feels she is going to end up in hospital again. Maybe she will, i don't know. I really think she needs to go into long-term care. I feel like i am just not capable to meet her medical needs. If she was in care, she'd have access to the medical care it seems she needs. She talks about it but she is struggling with it. She has asked me what i think and i've told her i do think it'd be for the best. When she is cranky or mad at me she tells me i don't do a very good job of caring for her. I remind her of that when she asks my thoughts. I love her even though she makes it very difficult but i do think it's time. I am tired and i really believe i need to focus on my health and my future. Does that sound awful. Reading it, it sounds it to me...but i want to get well and get on with my life, my future with Tim and i cannot do that as long as i am responsible for my mother.

When i see my doctor on Wednesday, i intend on talking to him about it. See what our options are and hopefully, with mothers blessing, get the ball rolling.

Speaking of Wednesday, i am nervous...i just want it to come so i get the results...at one point it seemed so far away. I dreaded having to wait and now the day is practically upon me and i'm not ready. I'm trying to remember to think positive but my negative tendencies take over sometimes and i think the worst. Once we have the results, we'll know where to go next...i'll see my neuro-oncologist and go from there.

So til Wednesday i'll just be hanging on....and now i'll pop by your blogs to see what's going on with you.

More news

What a chilly day it is today. I was out earlier to pick up a few groceries, things i had forgotten when i went to the store yesterday. Brrr, it was cold but the sun was lovely and thankfully warm.

Part of the reason i went again after i'd just been there yesterday, was to go to the local drug store and check my blood pressure, which has been high lately.

You see, the week before this past week i was supposed to see my doctor for a pap test regarding the spot on my ovaries...but had to reschedule that test as my period started....so fast forward to this past Wednesday. I went in for my exam. When the nurse did the test, it was fine...as you ladies know, a little uncomfortable but certainly not the end of the world. When she did an internal exam, she said everything felt normal. Whew! That was a glimmer of hope for me...i'll hang onto that until the test results come back. So then she took my blood pressure. It was 186 over 104. Very high. Especially high for me since i've never really had any signs of being high before. Sure there were occasions when i was anxious at various appointments but the readings were never that high.

Long story short, she asked me to go back in a week, to get the results of my tests and bloodwork and to have my bp taken again ( i couldn't get an appointment until the 12th though) and in the meantime, wanted me to go to this drug store as often as i could to see how it is doing. Well i've been twice now and both times it's been high, according to the machine very high, especially for someone with diabetes. Yesterday it was 167 over 87 and today it was 168 over 83. Better than the first reading at the doctors appointment but still quite high.

Needless to say i've done some reading on high blood pressure on the internet and it's quite scary (as if cancer isn't scary enough)....the risks of stroke and heart attack so very high. I'm worried that my doctor didn't put me straight onto some medication...so i think i'll call tomorrow and talk to the nurse, tell her the readings that i've had so far and see what they say.

Lately i've been so tired, even more tired than i usually am....but i'm doing better emotionally. Tim is being a wonderful support and my family is trying to be understanding of my need for sleep.

I go back to see my neuro-oncologist as soon as we find out what is happening with the spot on the ovary. This week i have to schedule another ultra-sound....so life is all about doctors and tests and being prodded and poked...as per normal.

Well that's my news for now. I'm keeping busy and Tim and i spend as much time together as we can, when i'm not asleep, etc. Our latest game addiction is to Monopoly on pogo. We gave great fun playing, since we both love the game...and as always ...Tim almost always wins...but i'm working on that.

Dinner is simmering on the stove and it smells yummy...my sister made a hearty beef stew...and i'm sitting here with a coffee, anxious to get to your blogs to see what's been happening in your world...see you there!

News

I've had some news that has me scared. While having a scan, the radiologist saw a spot on my ovaries. I have been having a bit of a rough time for a while, severe cramps, leg pains, lower back pain..on top of the very painful headaches, which have increased in the pain department. My oncologist fears the cancer has spread.

On Wednesday i go for further testing and we will go from there i am told.

I feel so scared but i am trying to be strong...i think i've been doing pretty well in that department lately but right now i'm feeling scared and alone.

Your positive thoughts and prayers would be so appreciated.

I will keep you posted...if anyone is still out there.

Jamie

A quick note

The last few weeks have been a blur...tests, bloodwork...being sick, terrible headaches, trips to the emergency room...and being loved by Tim. Right now my sister is sick with a nasty cold and i am trying my hardest, with my immune system, such as it is...to avoid her and keep from getting sick too. At this point, it's the last thing i need.

I will get back to posting soon and checking in on all of you.

Til then, take care of yourselves!

Ike aftermath

I just spent some time with Tim. He is from Louisville, Kentucky and Sunday he lost power after remnants of Hurricane Ike hitl. Close to 300,000 people are without electricity. As of Monday, the local electric company suggested it might be up to two weeks before power could be restored for all of it's customers without power, so Tim decided to go stay with his parents in Lexington. He is very fortunate that he has family to stay with, i can't imagine what others are doing. I only hope they get it sorted out quickly, for everyones sake. I wish that for all of the people afftected by the hurricane and it's aftermath.

So Tim is with his parents and we were able to spend some time together, playing chess. Yes he wins more often then not...but i sneak in a few wins every once in a great while. My last post was just a bit of fun, i meant nothing against Tim...he doesn't need to use such antics...he is good...very good...but he keeps me laughting with the things he does...and what can i say, i always fall for them. It's one of the many reasons why i love him so.

Monday afternoon my friend Yuni, my hairdresser, came to do our hair. Mainly she was coming to do my sisters hair...but my mother and i decided we'd get our done too. I just had it washed and styled and mother the same. My mother is SO cranky and unhappy with hers. She is terribly fussy about her hair and it looks nice, very nice...but she just is so used to her own hairdresser doing it for many, many years ...that any slight (and it is slight) deviation from his stylings and all she does is complain. I had hoped it would cheer her up...it did for a while. Mind you in front of Yuni she is complimentery and happy with her hair...it is only afterwards that i hear about it. Ahh well, i'm thrilled with mine and so is my sister. She had her roots done (darn grey that grey hair) and then the cap used for some highlights. Yuni mentioned we are the only two of her customers that still use the cap, all the others use foils. I don't know why i like the cap...but i do. Perhaps i should give it up though and switch to foils. What do you think Cheryl?

After i had my hair done, Yuni dropped me off to go shopping at Walmart. She thought of shopping with me but in the end decided she'd go home and relax. It had been her day off and she'd been busy all day. I shopped around, picked up all the stuff i wanted and more. Seriously, never go shopping hungry. I was starving and bought so much junk food it wasn't funny. I did buy a lot of it for my mom and sister.

Came home from Walmart and changed into my jammies, threw a frozen pizza in the oven (it was yummy!) and lounged in front of the tv. There wasn't much on (that i was interested in)...and i was so tired after i ate, that i took a nap. I'd been waiting for Tim. He made the drive to Lexington tonight and i had to wait for him to set up the computer stuff. After my nap i texted him and we met online. Now he's gone to bed and i should head there too.

Tuesday i have the cable guy coming. We've been experiencing some problems getting in a channel that i am paying for but not getting...so we'll see what happens. I'll keep my toes crossed that he's able to sort the problem out.

Off to bed i go...

A question for you

I can't believe what just happened. Tell me what you think...was i hoodwinked?

Tim and i are playing chess...and he asked me what my mom was doing. I turned to look and she was doing some personal for herself so when Tim pushed the point and asked me again i said he didn't want to know. Next thing i know...he took my queen. Can you believe that? He purposely asked me to look away...he distracted me by asking me to look at my mom and then moved a man into position to take my queen. Because apparently i thought he was genuinely curious, i turned to look and fell for his antics. Now i am down a queen and fighting for my life, in the game.

Do you think that was fair? I need to know.

Update...he won that game, grrrr!

Good night, good morning

I've been having bouts of serious dizziness...so last night i decided to call the doctor on call, rather than go to emerg. When he called me back i explained to him what was happening and he we talked about my tumour and he explained that of course, with brain tumours, can come some degree of dizziness but then he inquired about the medications i was taking. I explained that i'd recently begun taking Decadron for the swelling...and he then said that it was that that was probably causing it. He also explained, which i didn't realize, that it was important for me to take the medication with food. A light went on, i hadn't been doing that either. I am notorious for not eating breakfest and that is when i have to take my pills.

Today i had a bite to eat...not much but it was better than nothing...and i felt much better. Thank goodness. I really wasn't much good to mother being so dizzy, all i wanted to do was sleep/lay down.

It is early morning and i'm still up, though i am getting ready for bed. Tim and i spent the evening and wee hours together, doing the things we do...and we just parted company. I took down all of the garbage and made some ice cubes and tidied up the kitchen a tiny bit, then called him to say goodnight (again) and now here i am.

Going to catch up on your blogs before i lay down. Wish i could have seen some of your night tables but i totally understand why those of you didn't participate. I am a curious person, by nature and it would have been fun. Maybe next time, eh? ps...i didn't straighten out my table, it is always pretty tidy and somewhat dusty....but i'm working on that.

Crusty, i loved your comments on the pic!

A challenge

So over on Little Wanderers blog the other day i noticed she had issued a challenge, one that sounded fun to me, so i decided to participate.

The challenge was this...

1. Without cleaning up, take a photo of the floor on your side of the bed or your nightstand, wherever you collect things.

2. Tell us the 'to do' list associated with it.

3. Come back here and let me know you've decided to play along.

4. Do this all by Saturday September 6th (ooops i just noticed there was a time limit, i'm late...does it still count?)

So above is my pic because i cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to get the photo below my text (i am hopeless)...

In the photo is my radio/docking station with my iPOD, full of music which i can never listen to (it annoys my mother)...behind it is the first teddy bear that Tim gave me with an arrangement of lovely flowers... the 'to do' part is...if you look closely, there is one pill at the forefront which i must take each day at dinner time...the pills to the right of there, at the side of the radio are also pills i must take each day (all of the rest of them are in a case on the shelf below) ...there is a book...or rather there should be a book on the top of the table, one i'm meant to be reading but it has fallen to the back and i haven't picked it up yet.

Anyway, that's my contribution to the bit of fun...i hope you'll play along too. Incidentally, Little Wanderer took photos of the top of her fridge and another desk...i stopped at the one. I liked doing this though, kind of gave me a little project to do today...if only i'd been paying attention to the deadline.

Let's remove the deadline...let me know if you play along, k.

I'm baaaack

I still haven't had a nap...but i'm going to just as soon as i am done this post.

I just finished playing some canasta with Tim....he beat me two games. I think we'll have to go back to playing some chess...i've had more luck with that game of late.

It's still rainy here and i feel like making some soup, so i might make a soup that i saw made earlier on PBS. It was called pasta fagoli (spelling?) and it seems it basically soup made with diced tomatoes, beans and tortellini. I don't have any tortellini but i do have some itty bitty frozen ravioli so i'll cheat and use that instead...it's just such a perfect day for soup.

So far today i've done some tidying up, dishes and vacumming. Oh and i also cleaned the bathroom sink and toilet (ugh!)...but as yet, i haven't felt like doing any laundry. I don't know why...i'd be more apt to do it if i didn't have to look presentable to go out and do it. I have a bad case of bedhead and i just don't feel like doing anything about it...so laundry can wait me thinks.

Hopefully you are all enjoying the day...i notice more than a couple of you haven't been blogging as often...just want you to know i miss you...you know who you are.

Oh...and i'll get to the challenge that i am taking part in later...stay tuned for that.

Off to nap...ciao.

A rainy Saturday morning, purrrfect for a nap

It's a rainy Saturday morning. I'm awake early and feeling okay. I can live with 'okay'...in fact i'm quite thrilled to...when i think of the alternatives...it's just fine to be okay.

Had a good sleep i think and so far i have only the slightest hint of a headache. I think the low-dose steroids are helping. I finished another cycle of temodar and now will follow that up with labs and scans. It was a bit of a rough week but i made it through, hurray for me.

Mother has come around and is in 'better spirits', thank goodness. I spent some time away from her yesterday but not much. She wasn't feeling well and pleaded with me not to leave her alone. When i'm cooking dinner, i have to be near the kitchen...so i stayed there for a while, watched some tv and left her alone. She did fine, she always does...she just fusses a bit.

After dinner i had to nap, i was so tired from lack of sleep. I've been awake about an hour now and already i'm feeling sleepy. I was going to call Tim but i won't call and wake him just to tell him i am going back to sleep....i'll call him when i get up.

When i get up there is laundry waiting to be done...and i need to vacuum this place, it's a mess. Then i have a challenge to post to my blog...but more about that later.

Off i go for a wee morning nap.

Just a quick note

Had a miserable night last night...mostly due to mother.

Okay so the Temodar isn't helping, i know but mother was full of vinegar last night and took it out on me. Who else, she'd dare not talk to or treat my sister the way she does me. I am her doormat. I know you've heard it all before so i will spare you the details...but i didn't get much sleep if any at all...so i am tired and feel just plain lousy. It could be worse, i know...so i am thankful to be up and out of bed, here typing.

It is the last day of treatment, i am thankful for that too. I will rest later...a nap is definitely in the cards for me.

Ouch it hurts

Saturday night i ended up in the emergency room. I had a rather serious headache which scared me. The pain was unbearable and it just suddenly came on, which worried me even more...so i called the doctor on call, who suggested i get to the hospital right away to be seen.

While there they gave me morphine for the pain and did a lab workup as well as a scan. Long story short there was some swelling of my brain. They decided to put me on a course of steroids and sent me home to rest. They did want to keep me in overnight but i really needed to get back home to mother. I knew she was worried about me and so i was adamant. Sunday i slept all day and most of the night too. I get so scared at times like that, i wonder if my end is near.

Other than that an uneventful Labour day weekend. Sunday we ordered some Chinese food for dinner, which was yummy. I was thankful i didn't have to cook as so was my sister, who quite often cooks a big Sunday meal.

Monday i started another cycle of temodar. I was quite sick and spent more of that day and night in bed too. I remember watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 at some point but other than that, the evening was a blur.

Tonight i have a terrible headache. I'm in pain. I achel all over. I worry and i wonder if that makes it worse. For some reason too my neck and shoulders are so tight. I feel tense. I am wracked with pain and worry.

Worry because i got a message from my sister Lane today, eluding to the fact that something was wrong. She isn't ready to tell me what so i feel like she's left me dangling, worrying...but if she isn't ready to disclose the reason, i have no choice but to wait until she is. Granter, she is a grown woman but still i worry about her. I think it is natural to worry about a sibling who is obviously going through something at the moment. I know it's not her health or the health of either of her two children....which is a relief...but as i said, i'll just have to wait to find out.

Well i think i'll read some blogs then head to bed. I hope i can sleep. I have groceries being delivered in the morning. So happy about that. Tomorrow, assuming i am well enough, i will make a potato and pasta salad to go with some sirloin steaks. Hopefully i get it done.

Goodnight all.

Happy, happy...joy, joy

So Friday i had my doctors appointment. I had my alarm set early enough to get up, get myself ready, feed mother and tidy up a bit before leaving. Unfortunately, none of that happened.

My appointment was for 10.30am...i woke up at 10.10am. Ahhhh. That meant a quick brush of my teeth, a brush across my head(with a bit of water to try to fix my bedhead) and a quick 'i'm sorry' to mother for not having time to make her breakfast (she did not want just cereal)...thankfully she didn't give me a hard time about it...said she wasn't very hungry anyway and would wait until i got home. Whew! I called a taxi and flew out the door.

I slept in mainly because i'd been up most of the night with anxiety. I thought i was okay but i usually stress out with these appointments...i was worried. Turned out i needn't have been. Everything was good news. My labs were good...quite good, my oncologist was pleased...and when we went over the scans, he said there was a 'signifigant reduction in my tumor'...i was so happy and relieved that i sobbed...uncontrollably. The news just allowed me to release all the pent up anxiety. It took me some time to get myself together again but i did and i was so happy...i could hardly wait to get home to share the news with Tim and my mother.

Tim was very happy when we spoke. I think he was relieved too. It was nice to have some good news between us.

The only thing that caused me to be down was a painful headache. While at the doctors, he gave me a shot of morphine. It helped take the edge off definitely but by the time i got home, i was ready for bed. Tim hasn't been feeling well so after we spoke for a while, each of us decided to nap. My nap lasted until 3.30pm. I really needed it and felt better for it but my headache persisted.

I had a bit of laundry to do so got dressed (i undressed and got into my jammies upon returning from my appointment, i like to be comfortable for my naps...usually) and threw in two loads. I'd promised my sister i'd do the loads which had the shower curtains in...she wanted them washed so she could iron and then re-hang them after she cleaned the bathroom. While all of that was washing and drying, Tim and i played some chess. He beat me, as usual.

After the laundry was done, Tim went back to lay down...i folded and put away the laundry and got changed again...to lay down. My mother massaged my head for me for a few minutes but my head has been super sensitive lately and so i didn't want it done for long.

For the past few days we'd been talking about me going to get some more groceries. I was willing to go but really wasn't feeling up to it. I still wasn't but got a bee in my bonnet and decided to go. So up i got, back into some clothes and off i went.

It is a long weekend here...the last weekend of the summer...so i thought the grocery store would be packed. It wasn't so bad. I didn't go until 7.30pm ...we were to have a late dinner when i got back. I shopped and got some meat and veggies for the coming days...and picked up the ingredients to make some spaghetti sauce for Saturdays dinner. I picked up some chickent cutlets too..to make a sort of chicken parmigiana...and also picked up two loaves of garlic bread. I thought about picking up a salad but in the end i forgot. Oh well..we've got plenty. I am sure it will be yummy.

When i got back i got everything put away...i was pooped and it was so hot and sticky outside, which only made me feel sort of cranky. I was fine once i got into the air conditioned apartment though...it didn't take me long to cool off.

As i put stuff away i boiled some eggs for egg salad and put some soup on for mom. It was just a simple dinner tonight...those are nice to have from time to time. Later we thought of ordering out for pizza but decided to wait until Sunday night...when we'll order in some Chinese food. I can hardly wait.

So i've just spent a couple of hours playing some canasta with Tim. He has gone to bed and here i sit blogging. I am off to bed as soon as i finish typing this....which is now.

Goodnight...or good morning...or afternoon...or whatever (by the time you read this)...enjoy your weekend!

Early morning

It's early morning and so far i've been unable to get back to sleep. I have slept off and on all evening...getting up out of bed only to play some games with Tim.

I feel nervous...i have a doctors appointment this morning, to check up on my scans and lab works and to find out what's next. It should be fine but i am a worrier by nature.

I will blog after i get back...better try to get a couple of hours of sleep.

I'm back

Back from my scan finally. They were pretty busy and i had to wait my turn. I thought about going to the emergency room while there because i'm in such pain but i guess i feel like it's not really an emergency it's just par for the course.

I am going to take some oxy and lay down, right after i'm finished making mother's lunch. She had a hard time deciding what she wanted today then finally settled on some hard boiled eggs with pickled pepper slices too. Not very appetizing for me but i'm not the one who has to eat it.

I hope i feel better when i get up...my nephew has the laundry sitting in the hall, waiting for me to do it...just left there as if to say 'do the laundry today'....but today won't be the day it gets done after all...it will wait. If he doesn't like it he'll have to do it himself.

Back to the kitchen then to my bed.

Ooops i forgot

So a new day has dawned. I awoke soaking wet this morning...i was drenched. Had to bathe and change my nightclothes. I felt fine other than that....or rather i did...but i have a headache now and i'm aching all over.

I need to get the laundry done and of course the garbage needs to go down and so does all of the recycling and mother needs to be bathed and fed but right now i feel like doing none of it. I will do something though...have to, it waits for me.

It looks like a beautiful day out there...bright blue skies and not too warm. Fall is in the air...the nights have been getting cooler and it's just about time for the children to go back to school. Here they don't go back until after Labour day weekend...so i think they go back Tuesday. As i've said before, the summer has just flown by.

I forgot to mention that yesterday morning i went to have my lab work done. Well i forgot i was supposed to get my scan done too, my doctors office just called to remind me...so now i have to rush out and do that. I don't want to go out..i want to lay down.

I will go now and get it over with though....then i see my doctor on Friday...so we'll see how things are and what is next.

Off i go...

ps to the chess reference

...i forgot that on Sunday i beat Tim two times.....................twice in a row.

It did.......it happened...and i didn't imagine it, honest!

ps...i love you Tim

Just some stuff

Well...the week flew by and my sister is back home. She arrived home on Friday. It is good to have her back.

It's been relatively uneventful in these parts the last few days but yesterday (when i say yesterday i mean Sunday because of course it is Tuesday as i post this) was a bad day for me. I was in such pain and took my oxy's but it just didn't help. It's days like that that scare me so much. Perhaps that is normal...the fear i mean. I guess i feel it is. I don't know if it's healthy though. Do you think it is? Do you think it is normal for me to worry...Lord knows i have such worries...but don't we all. None of us knows how much longer we have on this earth, do we.

The thing i'm trying to do is to make the most of each day...as best i can. I'm not one for skydiving or jumping off cliffs. I don't think i need to feel the thrill of danger to feel alive. Cancer is danger enough for me, it's all i can handle right now. Do you know what i mean? I am just trying to live my life day by day and getting through the pain and sickness the only way i know how...one step at a time...it's all i can do.

On a happier note...my hairdresser came to the house today to do our hair, mothers and mine. Mother has been wanting a perm for the longest time and kept putting it off. Today she finally got it done and then had it styled. It looks so nice and turned out so curly...almost as nice and Cheryl's. I had mine cut and streaked with the cap. Often we do it with just the foils but this time we used the cap. We normally go with the foils because the cap is quite tight on the head and causes me quite a bit of pain. Today was no different but i sat through it...all in the name of beauty. So my hair is blondish and it looks nice. I had my hair dark for the fall and winter when i had some...and i'm so fortunate to have some now...so for the summer i went blonde. I enjoy it and somehow it cheers me up. It's kind of short (of course) and spikey with longish bangs. Sounds weird but it looks nice...kind of like Kate's hair on Jon and Kate plus 8 (for those of you who watch that show...i just love it, their children are darling and they seem like such loving, patient parents.

Wow...i am all over the place today...my mind is going a mile a minute.

I am online with Tim as i type this...we are talking as i am typing...he is watching Big Brother after Dark on a channel i don't get and filling me in on all that is going on. It's so much fun because we're both fans and can dish about the show...and he finds out stuff earlier than is aired on the show...fun! since i am so impatient to know things.

I think i am doing remarkably well...talking..typing..commenting...i'm so proud of myself..woohoo.

Off i go to play some chess...perchance to beat my Tim...it is a rarity but it has happened....wish me luck.

An Award...thank you Gabriel

On August 18th Gabriel of Live from Waterloo chose me as one recipient of this award. Thank you Gabriel, i am sorry it has taken me this long to post about it.

Here are the rules,

1. Only five people are to receive this award.

2. Four of them are followers of your blog

3. One has to be new to your blog and live in another part of the world.

4. You must link back to the person who gave you this award.

Now i have to choose five blog friends to pass this along to. I have chosen the following.

Cheryl at Ladeda (USA)

Mary at Pathways (USA)

Jessica at Daysgoby (Canada)

CJM-R at MyPersonalLens (USA)

Punxxi at NeverGonnaBePC (UK)

If it were my choice i'd give it to all of you...thank you all for reading my blog.

Jamie

Here comes the food

It happened. Somehow, someway...it happened.

Mother, who'd been giving me the mostly silent treatment, began to talk to me. It happened slowly at first...then she became quite a chatty Cathy. Sure it was the wee hours of the morning. Yes it meant she was interrupting my conversation with Tim...but it happened.

And then...by total surprise, she broached the subject of food/groceries. There were things she wanted at a local bakery here...did i feel like going. Sure i said. What will we do about groceries, she asked. Hmmm, i said...could we order online? Yes she said...what will we get. And so it started..i logged onto the on to GroceryGateway and began making up an order. It has been the greatest thing, this online grocery store. As i added things to the list, i talked with mother, who was on the bed behind me, watching the Olympic coverage, trying to make her feel a part of the process. A bone of contention for her has always been that i buy what i want. Well to a certain degree that is true because i am the one who cooks the meals so i try, as best i can, to plan at least some meals in advance....and have ingredients for other possible choices...so she's right in that regard but i need some room to change things up.

Got everything ordered and even remembered the laundry soap, hooray for me. It will all be delivered tomorrow morning between 9-11am. Then i got myself tidied up and dressed and got ready to go to Zarky's. There, i picked up some mini pizzas, rolls and sausage rolls, yummy...they make nice sausage rolls. A few other things and i was on my way back home. I was gone less than an hour, probably only 30 mins or so a nd she stayed alone...so it can be done.

I told her so. Gosh she hates when i'm right.

Well, i'm getting a break from cooking tonight, we're ordering in some food. Should be good...we're watching the Olympic coverage until 8pm when Big Brother 10 comes on...looking forward to that.

Off i go...

What a beauty!

Perfect little rain drops

A rain soaked beauty

Fully, completely

So my sister left today. Gone for six days. I feel down. I wish it were me gone from this place. Listen to me, i say this place like i hate it. I don't...but i feel like i don't belong here any more. Is that silly? I like to think it's not.

So off S went to dog sit. She'll work Monday and Tuesday and take the rest of the week off. Good thing, it's her birthday on Wednesday, so she'll have some time to relax. Relax, who am i kidding...she hardly ever relaxes, she is almost always on the go, doing something...God bless her.

I, myself am quite happy to do nothing. Too happy sometimes.

Today has been a strange day. I should have gone out and got some groceries but mother is fighting that. It's a long story really but in lieu of contributing to the rent, utilities, etc here...she buys the groceries. Or has been. My sister felt this was a fair way for her to contribute. Mother agreed. Now she is balking at the whole notion. She says she spends way too much and she's fed up. She is also fed up with buying particular items, ie; skim milk for my sister, soya milk (also for my sister)..Tang (my nephew drinks the bulk of it but i do enjoy it sometimes)...cat food and kitty litter (they aren't her cats)...etc etc.

Well, she told me this the other day and i was like...WHAT? What am i supposed to do..just buy what she wants. How selfish. I kept most of my inner comments to myself...but later spoke to my sister about it. I informed her that mother no longer wanted to purchase said items. S was furious....after all, she and i don't get to pick and choose when we pay rent/hydro/phone..etc.

I felt stuck in the middle, she said, she said. Ahhhhhhh. I know i sort of put myself in a bad spot going to my sister but i had to tell her. She'd have expected me to come home with her things from the grocery store and i wouldn't be, according to mother.

When i informed mother that i'd told my sister. She called me a troublemaker and a tattletale. She accused me of stirring up trouble. Ugh. Mother drives me insane and wastes no situation in which she can make mean comments about me. You'd think i'd be used to this. I am not.

So her bottom line was, she wasn't going to buy any groceries, at all. None.

Fine. So i wasn't going to have an outing today. There is very little in the way of milk or bread or potatoes...no laundry soap, low on toilet tissue. You get the picture.

Thing is, i'm in a financial bind right now. My doing. Totally my doing. So i can't just rush out and buy groceries myself, as i have been doing prior to this happening (again...yes again...this situation keeps happening)...so what to do.

As all of you know, it's hard to make breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks umpteen times a day for a woman who is very particular...without ingredients.

So i will make do, somehow until such time that she changes her mind.

Don't get me wrong. We won't starve but we won't be having meat, potatoes and two to three vegetables (which is what she expects) each meal. We'll be having eggs (til they run out)..oven fries and chicken nuggets (which i guiltily enjoy from time to time so keep in the freezer)...oh i'll think of things to have..........and she'll utter the dreaded "yuk" to everything i make...but if she won't be buying groceries, she'll have to grin and bear it.

Is she capable of that. Nope. She is the most unhappy, negative person you'd ever meet. It makes me sad, yes. But i am trying my hardest not to let it get me down. I'm fighting to keep my head above water too.

So it's been a strange day, indeed.

As i type this, mother is making a list. A list of possible groceries? I don't know. She asks me certain things...what brand is this, do we have that. I answer as politely as i can.... but if she wants me to go shopping sometime tomorrow, she'll be left alone and she never wants that. So what now.

Just trying to keep sane here.

Fully, completely.

Trouble at the henhouse

Gosh, what a terrible post that last one was...i apologize for that. I was really in a bad way....things are better, thank God!

I finished my temodar last week and now have some time off of it. It was rough going but i'm doing better. The thing about being treated at home is...now i'm home. No excuses/reason to have to go out. I'll see my doctor soon though and see how things are coming along.

It has been a rough week with mother though..more of the same as usual. Her being difficult and stubborn and yes even hurtful. With Tim's love and support i am getting through it. Only thing is, my sister is going away today. She is dog-sitting for her eldest son and his family as they go off to stay at a summer cottage. She won't be back home until Friday, so i won't have her hear to talk to and keep company with. The way mother has been, i really don't want to be around her too much if i can help it. Of course, for the most part, i can't help it...we share a bedroom and my computer is here...so i'm trying to let her snide comments roll right off my back...but they're not, not really...but i'm fighting it.

Tim has gone golfing today with his brother and his young son...so i will catch up on some blogging and then have a nap..i feel so tired.

Well...that's all for now...i'll pop round to see you all now..i can't wait to get there.

Jamie

Where i hurt.... my head, my body, my heart, my spirit.

Am i doomed?

Blathering on...and on... and on

I've had a day of pain today. Almost unbearable pain. Make me cry pain. This is when i am at my worst. The fear inside me rises and i feel terrified that my end is near. It takes over...i've been crying off and on all day...which only makes my headache worse. I tried to stop. I laid down countless times but could not sleep. When i did manage to get a bit of sleep...i had terrible dreams. My mind would just not rest.

This afternoon Tim and i watched some video footable about a former hospital in Louisville that treated tuberculosis patience. In the footage they talked about and showed what was called a death tunnel, which they used to transport dead people from the hospital, so as not to cause unessecary upset to the patience. When i i did manage to sleep a bit this afternoon, i dreamt i was wheeling down that dark tunnel and when i woke i was so frightened. It felt so real...i saw myself going down that tunnel. It scared me.

I guess i really haven't come to terms with the very real possibility that i could die. I need to do that. I accept that it could happen and that it could happen at any time...but some days, when i am having a good day, i manage to forget i am sick... and it's wonderful. Otherwise i seem to live in fear. It is not a good place to be.

I guess ever since i got sick some ten years ago i didnt realize what i was in for. Lots of stuff was going on in my life. I had been raped and only after an examination due to that, did they find a mass in my stomach. I was diagnosed with gastric cancer. Several years later that cancer metatasized to my brain. I was so busy living my life day to day that i just dealt with it the best i could. I was reeling from the rape and another traumatic incident that the cancer has almost always seemed secondary. It still does. Mother comes first. I know it's crazy but its pretty much true.

I wasn't one of those people that upon being diagnosed...decided to live life to the fullest. I didn't make a list of things that i wanted to do. I didn't set out to accomplish anything else but survive.

I think i've done a good job of that so far. It will be ten years in January that i have been battling cancer and i am still alive to talk about it. I am fairly productive...though i don't hold down a job, i look after my mother to the best of my abilities. Sure she complains. I hear all about the fact that i sleep too much, that i don't do enough around here to help my sister (in the cleaning department) but i do quite a lot, all things considered.

When my mother was in her own home, with her then husband (technically my step-father but i never viewed him as such) i did my best for both of them. I moved in to take care of her, then him after he had a stroke even though i detested the man because he molested me when i was a young girl. Still i looked after both of them. I was the one in the family not working (because i was ill) and didn't have a family to look after so it fell to me. I had a home i maintained financially, etc while living there too. I know...most if not all of you will say i was just being a doormat. I was silly for taking all of this on and i'm worse than silly for not getting out now. But as her daughter (not her natural daughter, but i was raised as such, just not treated as such) i took my duties very seriously.

I still do. But my heart is no longer in it. My heart and soul long to be with Tim. I need to find a way to make that happen.

God help me, i need to do it soon.

Wednesdays words

Well the mystery about my missing profile continues. I think (but i'm not positive) that this happened over on my other blog which is why, in part, i think i moved it here. Now it has happened again and i am perplexed because i don't know what i did but would like to know so that i don't do it again, should i move again.

It's just so frustrating not having a brain in proper working condition...or maybe i'm just a ditz and mess things up from time to time...which case, i cannot blame my tumor for that, can i.

I had a rather good day today. My third day of temodar and i have some sick times but otherwise i am functioning. I am thankful that i am not having to spend tons of time in bed because of it. Don't get me wrong...i'm tired most of the time and so i do take frequent naps but at least i am not bedridden. Thank God for that.

Today Tim went golfing with his brother and nephew. I am so glad he's been going most Wednesday with them. Last week they started out to play but the weather was iffy so they went to a movie instead. Today they played a full course and it sounded like they had a good time. Afterwards they went out for dinner to a Mexican restaurant which Tim said was very good. He didn't get home until after 8pm so he was gone most of the day. I missed him but i kept myself busy, when i wasn't napping that is.

I had a nap after i made mother her lunch and tidied up the kitchen and did the dishes. I set my alarm to wake me up 4pm. I was up and down during my nap, getting sick. I felt rough for a while there but it passed and i was able to get some sleep eventually. I awoke before the alarm went off, feeling much better and decided i'd get a start on dinner. I made a hamburger stew for the ladies which i would would have over rice. I know...kind of weird but my mom fancied rice and i wanted some too...just some plain white rice for me.

As the stew was simmering away, i decided to get together a couple of loads of laundry. I guess you could say i was feeling energetic...but more to the point, i was missing Tim and needed to do something to occupy myself, otherwise i sit and almost watch the clock, wondering when he'll get home.

It wasn't long before it was after 5pm and my sister came home from work. She'd left work early today because she had an appointment, then visited an elderly lady that she visits regularly for the VON (the Victorian Order of Nurses) as a volunteer. She was in a good mood and said dinner smelled yummy. By that time i was feeling somewhat nauseous again and wasn't enjoying it at all.

I got the laundry all done and folded and put away, then finished up making dinner. The ladies seemed to enjoy it...and i had a nice bowl of rice with a few brown beans. After dinner my sister did the dishes and i laid down in bed to watch some tv. I was feeling so tired again and needed to rest.

By that time it was 8pm and So You Think You Can Dance was on. AMerica's Greatest Dog was on at the same time but i set that to record and dozed during Dance. It's a good show but it just couldn't keep me awake. At some point after that Tim called to let me know he was home. It was so good to hear from him...he told me a bit about his game and dinner then he let me go to go lay down himself. Soon after i set my alarm again and dozed off.

At 9.30 my alarm went off but i still felt very tired so i just laid there, watching tv. Mother had Dog the Bounty Hunter on...i couldn't get into that so went into the living room to see what my sister was watching. I saw the last bit of Dance and then we watched Primtime while i rubbed my sister neck and shoulders. She had a headache and needed it..i was glad to help out. It's nice too when she does me but i was feeling fine so just did her.

After that show was over i made ice...my twice daily ritual (i would LOVE an ice maker) which i don't mind doing because i love my iced water...tidied up the kitchen, put the dinner dishes away and went to my room and laid down again.

Soon after that Tim called and we agreed to meet online and play some games...we played for a bit then i remembered mother wanted a bath. So we stopped playing and i went to bathe mother...after i was done, Tim decided he was pooped and wanted to go to bed. I can certainly feel for him there...i'm tired too but thought i'd blog before i got back into bed, this time for the night.

I'm looking forward to the Dance finale tomorrow night as well as eviction night on Big Brother...oh and the last episdoe of Hopkins...it's been an excellent medical series...i have two peidsodes that i haven't even watched yet, i'm saving them...maybe i'll even watch one when i go to bed now.

Off i go...hope each of you had a great day.

Jamie

Blog help please

I am wondering if anyone can help me. I just noticed a few minutes ago that my profile is no long appearing on my blog. I checked for it and can't seem to find it anywhere. What am i doing that it could just disappear. Is there a setting somewhere that i've unchecked, i don't know...i am confused. So confused.

Help.

A quick word

It was a long weekend here...it ended up being a nice, relaxing weekend. Monday i started my treatment with Temodar. So far it has made me quite sick. I will take it for five days then be off of it for the next 23 days, then start another cycle.

Mother has been in a better mood bordering on good the last few days. One day i went for groceries, i can't remember what day right now...and another day i did some shopping at Walmart. Their paper products are much cheaper than they are at the grocery store where i shop...i'm sure i've mentioned that before. It was hot here on the weekend but today it is pouring rain. Everything is so green, it's nice.

I am in pain and sick...so i think i'll go lay down. I've put dinner on and now my sister will keep an eye on it and will call me when it's done so i can serve mother hers. I don't know why but my sister really doesn't like to do that....it's ok though, i don't mind so much...i just hope i don't fall asleep.

I've been watching Wipeout on Tuesdays, it's a bit of fun...so that's on tonight as is the Japanese game show one...the name of that escappes me. Big Brother is on tonight too..i hope i can stay awake...i think i'll dvr it, just in case.

I hope you are enjoying your Tuesday...see you at your blogs soon.

Jamie

It just hurts

I am just out of a nice, warm bath. I enjoy a nice soak late at night...and now was when i had the energy to do it. I feel nice and clean and womanly but sad....here's why.

Thursday was not a very good day on the homefront. It really started on Wednesday.

Mother hadn't been feeling well that day and was sitting on the commode chair, throwing up. She asked me to hold the little bucket that she was being sick in. I couldn't, i just couldn't. I'd have been sick too...i don't know why but i get squeamish about that stuff. Things haven't been the same since. She told me i am cruel. She called me all sorts of names that i will not repeat, mostly because they came from a foul mouth. She also told me next time the phone rang and it was Tim, that she would answer it (she NEVER answers the phone) and tell him how horrible i am, etc. She went on and on. It really gets to me, the things my mother says about me. Not taking into account that i am ill and still care for her as best i can...but that i am her 'daughter' and she still says such mean and cruel things to me.

I let it get to me. I feel down and depressed. I mean if your own mother thinks and says such things, what must others think...what does Tim think. Her words niggle away at me...i try to stop them. I have tried all my life to fight her words...but i am weak and they sink in and i sink further and further inside myself.

That was Wednesday. Thursday wasn't much better. The barrage of nastiness continued and try as i might to put on a brave face, to show her her meaness wasn't affecting me...it was.

The thing is...i find it hard to talk about with Tim. I feel ashamed that my 'mother' would say such things and in the vernacular that she uses (mostly curse words). She calls me a goody-goody because i feel like a lady shouldn't swear. I am not perfect and i have uttered them...in fact i did today and it only made me feel worse, that i sunk to her level...but she gets to me...and i let her.

It's tearing me apart. I am crying as i type this. I can't stop the tears, she hurts me, she always has and here i am for her. Am i a fool.

In other news, i saw my doctor on Wednesday morning. My iron levels are low, which may well be part of the reason why i sleep so much lately. The good news is that my tumor is slow-growing and so he has decided to treat me at home, with temodar. Five days on it and then 23 off. I am happy. To be able to be in the comfort of home will be good...i think.

Tuesday evening

It is 11.33pm on this Tuesday night. I just tidied up my room and i am waiting to bathe my mother. She often wants to bathe at odd hours, which doesn't bother me too much because i often feel better later in the day and into the wee hours.

We have the air on but yet i feel warm...i believe i have a temperature but typing that has reminded me yet again that i keep forgetting to pick up a thermometer. I will try to remember to do that tomorrow when i am out. I have to see my doctor in the morning, to see how i am doing and to have labs done, including a urine sample. It is supposed to rain tomorrow and for the next few days. I won't mind going out in the rain, in fact i kind of enjoy it.

Had a fun evening of watching tv with my sister and mom and frequent phone calls to Tim during Big Brother. The people on that show drive me insane but since it seems no one watches, i won't go on about it. One of the shows we watched was Celebrity Family Feud...which pits celebrities and their families against each other. We enjoyed it but i wonder if it is just a summertime show. It is hosted by Al Roker, who is entertaining in his own way but i do like when John O'Hurley hosts...for those of you who don't know him by name, he played Mr Peterman on Seinfeld. He is a fun host.

I know quite a few of you are gardeners...what are you growing? Do any of you have vegetables? I wish i could grow things like peppers and cucumbers and even eggplants. I do so love eggplants. Have you ever breaded eggplant and eaten it on a sandwich, yummy. I'll have to pick up a couple and make loads because it freezes really well...and is also yummy to have as a meat replacement with spaghetti...eggplant parmigiana, yum!

Well mother is ready for her bath now so i'll post this and post again tomorrow. Been to most of your blogs...though i found two or was it three that had been taken down. I'm sorry i missed out on why...or if they've gone somewhere else. Let me know if you are reading this.

Jamie

Sunshining Tuesday

It feels like it's going to be another hot one here in Southern Ontario today. I was just out on our balcony, checking in on our plants, including our tomato plants...and the sun is hot. The tomato plants aren't doing well. We did plant them late and they are pretty big but we have no flowers on them, so no tomatoes. We have been feeding and watering them...and when i say 'we' i mean my sister has...the balcony is the smoking area for my sister and her son. I rarely go out there for that reason. I'm a fussy non-smoker and really don't like the smells associated with it...but this morning i snuck out there.

I woke up early this morning. I am not on treatment right now due to an infection...so my days are my own. It is nice to wake up and not have somewhere to go. I'm a real lazy person in that way...but today, as i said, i am awake early. I went to bed early last night because i wasn't feeling well. The sleep did me a world of good but i do have the headache still. I just did some dishes from last nights snacks...got some fresh water and ice for both mother and i and have settled down in front of my new computer to type this.

Yes, last week i splurged and got a new computer. I won't bore you with any of it except to say i am happy with it and it came with a tv tuner which will allow me to watch any tv shows that my mother isn't interested in. I could also watch with Tim when we are together online, which could be fun. We are both fans of Big Brother and various other tv shows.

Speaking of tv shows, for any of you dog lovers out there, have you been watching America's Greatest Dog? It's on CBS on Wednesdat at 8pm and i highly recommend it, it's a lot of fun and is like Big Brother for dogs. The one man that i really liked was voted off last week and i missed the episode so i didn't get to see it. I'll be watching this week though.

Are all of you busy with summertime stuff and not watching tv? I have a feeling that you all are busy...what has been keeping you busy?

Well i am finally off to read your blogs, see you there.

Jamie

Here i am again

I am really feeling like my old self again these days. The shock and sadness over losing my aunt and the impact of all of that has lessened but only just. It is not that we were terribly close, i'm sad to say...but i did feel her loss. As a child, my family and hers were often together and i guess i've been mourning her and thinking about those days. Such is life.

Tim has been wonderful throughout...being loving and caring and spending as much time as possible together. What a wonderful man he is. We've been playing together online still...our latest games of choice, chess and canasta. Thank goodness for Pogo...we spend countless hours there, playing and talking voice....sometimes talking up a storm and other times one or the other or sometimes both of us are quiet...but it's okay because we are together.

He has been puppysitting for his brother's dog the last little while and it has been so neat to hear him interact with her. Her is Millie and he sent me some photos of her, i forget what kind of dog she is (sorry, my memory is being affected as of late, darn tumor) ...she is darling but a bit of a handful apparently. She is also a bed hog and poor Tim hasn't been getting a lot of sleep. Today she went home, so maybe he'll take a nap when i do.

On Monday i started a new schedule for my chemo....and today i went in for treatment only to be told i couldn't have it, due to an infection of my bladder, as it turns out. I'd been sick yesterday, could barely get out of bed...well, quite honestly i didn't get out of bed much at all yesterday. I slept and slept. To say i was tired is an understatement, i was just plain exhausted...chemo just really has this way of taking it out of you. My appetite comes and goes...sometimes i barely eat and other times i can and do. I've noticed a difference in my memory and so has my doctor. They do some tests on me to test me as far as memory and recall, etc. He isn't surprised that i am struggling to come up with words. I've told him that i blog but have gotten away from it lately and why...he suggested i resume as it would be good for me to work my brain...so here i am. Please forgive me if i make mistakes with my words...if i use the wrong ones...or maybe even something might not make sense...we'll see what happens. I'll do my best not to let it show...wherever possible.

Well i am tried so i am going to lay down for a nap...i will write again soon...and soon i hope to stop by all of your blogs and check in with you, i've really missed reading you.

Jamie

Hello again

Time seems to be passing me by so quickly. I can hardly believe it is almost the middle of July already...the summer is flying by. Perhaps that is because i really haven't been out much. Not that i usually am...but i am in the throes of chemo and the thoughts of being out in the hot humid weather make me feel even worse. Instead i am hibernating in my air conditioned bedroom with my computer where i can spend time with Tim or in my bed watching, what else, the GSN (the Game Show Network, for those of you who are unfamiliar).

Most of Friday and Saturday i spent the days and nights in bed or in the bathroom, vomiting. Not pleasant to talk about, i'm sorry...but this is my reality right now. I haven't had much of an appeitite but right now i am craving something cold...i just don't know what.

Since i slept most of the day and evening i didn't get to spend much time with Tim. I miss him when i'm not with him, hearing his voice. We just finished playing some canasta and chess. We are each off to bed, i just thought i'd write a few words to keep up with all of you. Tomorrow i intend on popping by your blogs in the hopes of catching up with you...it's been so long. I am sorry about that but i know you understand and i thank you for that.

I think i'll grab a popsicle or two and head back to bed with a magazine...i hope you all are well.

Jamie

A quick word

I apologize profusely for those of you who have been wondering and worrying about me.



We recently had a death in the family that hit very close to home, it was a cancer related death and it really has me down.



So i am okay but not doing well emotionally at this time. I just don't feel i have anything worthwhile to say. I am beginning my treatment on Monday so have to hunker down while that gets underway and i'm really not feeling like i can face it this time. I'm tired all of the time and struggling....i hope you understand.



I will be back soon. Thank you so much for thinking about me, i truly do appreciate it.



Bye for now.

Water on ice and blogging...

Late Saturday night and i am bored and lonely. Tim was tired and went to bed for a nap earlier...i miss him but hate to call and wake him...instead i am waiting for him to wake up and call me. So i am sitting here with my ever-present glass of ice water, blogging...i've missed sharing my thoughts...so it's nice to get back into the swing of things.

I had a rather lazy day today, mostly watching tv. I have got to tell you, in such a short period of time i am really enjoying this digital tv stuff, especially GSN ..the Game Show Network. If you are a fan of game shows as my mother and i are, you'll love it too. We've watched it almost all day today. It's fun because it's interactive...and sort of keeps you thinking. There are quite a few games shows on there that i've heard of but even more that i haven't. Perhaps they are original shows made just for the channel, i don't know but what fun it is.

Tim makes fun of me...for paying all this money for the extra channels and only watching the one...but seriously, i do flip around the channels and even the guide to see what else is on. I am slowly trying to get used to the sheer number of channels and trying to remember them somehow. Keep in mind i am working with a diseased brain...but i really think i am doing pretty well. Late at night when mother is asleep i play around, seeing how high up the channels go, trying to get more familiar with the remote itself...which is hard to do in the dark i tell you....but as i said, i am getting there.

It is a long weekend here. It's the Victoria Day weekend, in honour of Queen Victoria's birthday. It is also the unofficial start of summer here. Lots of people off camping i'm sure...and even more up at their cottages, opening them for the season. My sister Linda and her husband Dan headed north to their cottage to do that. I hope she doesn't work too hard, she's having lots of health issues too and i worry about her, she's a hard worker and is always on the go.

We're having a quiet weekend here. For the most part, quiet and lazy. Well, i did the all the loads of laundry on Friday morning so i could take it easy. Sue has spent last night and this morning cleaning but she is also resting the rest of the weekend. Sunday i'll go get some groceries. We don't need tons but of course that never stops me from getting tons. Seriously though, i am trying to cut down on that and so trying to go weekly, usually on Fridays, rather than going a couple of times a week or whatever. We need to cut back here and i'll do my best to help out in that area.

Well...on Friday too, my nephew came home. So much for him being gone for the summer. I can't tell you how much more i enjoy this place when he isn't here. It just feels more like home than when this adult male with a severe attitude problem walks around here like he owns the place, making messes that he doesn't always clean up, monopolizing the bathroom and his crude jokes which i can do without. I am not a prude but the jokes he often tells are just plain terrible. I know he thinks he is funny or clever or both but i find him rude. He calls me, his mother and my mother, his grandmother..whores and b******...and those are the nice names. He is a smart alec with a chip on his shoulder who thinks the world (and us) owe him. Can you tell i've had enough of him. There is a long story behind all of my feelings on this subject but mainly i just think it's about time he left the nest and flew on his own...but it will never happen, he'll never grow up and you know what...i think my sister likes it that way. For some reason unbeknownst to me, she likes having him around. I just see him as another mouth to feed, more laundry to wash...who doesn't contribute to the household...financially or otherwise. Ugh. Okay enough about that.

A couple of weeks ago i bought a file cabinet. I was able to purchase it online from Staples. I purchased a bunch of things from there but i also splurged on a printer/scanner/fax machine. I haven't scanned or faxed yet. I will rarely have call to fax but it's nice to have...but the printer i will get good use of. I am going to put together a cook book of a bunch of online recipes i've found. I'll get started on that this week i think...i'm looking forward to it. ps...i think i might have mentioned all of this before, if i have, forgive me...i have trouble remembering all that i talk about here sometimes...so bear with me, please.

I finally called my doctor's office on Friday to find out why i hadn't heard anything about scheduling for my tests...turns out the nurse in charge of that is on holidays and will be back in the office on Tuesday...so i'll call back then. I feel bad for sort of chasing after them...but i'm anxious to know everything and find out where we go from here. I hope it's some good news...i'm really in need of some good news.