Brrrr, it's so chilly in here...it feels like the heat isn't even on. I do have the window open a crack. I do like the fresh air and mother needs the fresh air but i think i'll close it for a while.
I didn't sleep much last night. I had a middle-of-the-night-bath and was wide awake until 7.30 am. By then i was a bit sleepy and laid down. I slept until 10am. Now i have a headache. I hope it passes.
Mother woke up a little while ago, in time for the Price is Right (one of her favourite shows). She isn't speaking...yet. When the show is done i'll ask her what she'd like to eat and will find out what sort of mood she is in. Thus far she hasn't said one word to me. I have spoken to her and i'm not sure if she is ignoring me (which she does do) or didn't hear me. In either case i didn't feel like repeating myself. I feel like i'm in a mood too...not a bad one, a sad one.
And bad/sad moods are all around me. Of course my nephew M is always in a bad mood. He rarely speaks to me when we pass in the hall or we see each other when i'm in the kitchen. S just emailed me from work. It was to be another day off for her today but yesterday she decided to go in. She says she isn't in a good mood, feels suicidal and i feel helpless. Now i am not alarmed that she says she is suicidal. By that she means she is weepy, down...but not going to take her life. That much i know.
So all around me is sadness or anger or whatever it is. I'm fighting to rise above it. After all i am still alive, fighting this disease and living day to day. Sure i've got an infected tooth but it's being taken care of and i have pills for the pain. I have a wonderful man in my life who loves me and i have food and shelter and i have this little blog and all of you who take time out of your days to wish me well, offer your prayers and thoughts and visit me often. I shouldn't be too sad about not being with Tim, i know we'll be with each other in spirit and i know we'll be together as soon as we can be.
SO i better perk up, eh. Christmas is upon us afterall.
Dear Big Kid,
1 week ago