Friday, August 8, 2008

Blathering on...and on... and on

I've had a day of pain today. Almost unbearable pain. Make me cry pain. This is when i am at my worst. The fear inside me rises and i feel terrified that my end is near. It takes over...i've been crying off and on all day...which only makes my headache worse. I tried to stop. I laid down countless times but could not sleep. When i did manage to get a bit of sleep...i had terrible dreams. My mind would just not rest.

This afternoon Tim and i watched some video footable about a former hospital in Louisville that treated tuberculosis patience. In the footage they talked about and showed what was called a death tunnel, which they used to transport dead people from the hospital, so as not to cause unessecary upset to the patience. When i i did manage to sleep a bit this afternoon, i dreamt i was wheeling down that dark tunnel and when i woke i was so frightened. It felt so real...i saw myself going down that tunnel. It scared me.

I guess i really haven't come to terms with the very real possibility that i could die. I need to do that. I accept that it could happen and that it could happen at any time...but some days, when i am having a good day, i manage to forget i am sick... and it's wonderful. Otherwise i seem to live in fear. It is not a good place to be.

I guess ever since i got sick some ten years ago i didnt realize what i was in for. Lots of stuff was going on in my life. I had been raped and only after an examination due to that, did they find a mass in my stomach. I was diagnosed with gastric cancer. Several years later that cancer metatasized to my brain. I was so busy living my life day to day that i just dealt with it the best i could. I was reeling from the rape and another traumatic incident that the cancer has almost always seemed secondary. It still does. Mother comes first. I know it's crazy but its pretty much true.

I wasn't one of those people that upon being diagnosed...decided to live life to the fullest. I didn't make a list of things that i wanted to do. I didn't set out to accomplish anything else but survive.

I think i've done a good job of that so far. It will be ten years in January that i have been battling cancer and i am still alive to talk about it. I am fairly productive...though i don't hold down a job, i look after my mother to the best of my abilities. Sure she complains. I hear all about the fact that i sleep too much, that i don't do enough around here to help my sister (in the cleaning department) but i do quite a lot, all things considered.

When my mother was in her own home, with her then husband (technically my step-father but i never viewed him as such) i did my best for both of them. I moved in to take care of her, then him after he had a stroke even though i detested the man because he molested me when i was a young girl. Still i looked after both of them. I was the one in the family not working (because i was ill) and didn't have a family to look after so it fell to me. I had a home i maintained financially, etc while living there too. I know...most if not all of you will say i was just being a doormat. I was silly for taking all of this on and i'm worse than silly for not getting out now. But as her daughter (not her natural daughter, but i was raised as such, just not treated as such) i took my duties very seriously.

I still do. But my heart is no longer in it. My heart and soul long to be with Tim. I need to find a way to make that happen.

God help me, i need to do it soon.

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