Monday, March 31, 2008

A bit of fun...will you play along?

This was a challenge from Cheryl at Ladeda....i'm going to try it out, let me know if you do too so i can read yours.








It's not as easy as you think...but have fun!

1. Where is your mobile phone? desk

2. Your signifigant other? Tim

3. Your hair? Thinning

4. Your mother? Ill

5. Your father? Deceased

6. Your favourite thing? Vanilla

7. Your dream last night? Death

8. Your favourite drink? Water

9. Your dream/goal? Live

10. The room you're in? Bedroom

11. Your ex? Gone

12. Your fear? Death

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Louisville

14. Where were you last night? Bed

15. What you're not? Racist

16. Muffins? Bran

17. One of your wish list items? Phone

18. Where you grew up? Hamilton

19. The last thing you did? Posted

20. What are you wearing? Jammies

21. Your tv? On

22. Your pets? Cats

23. Your computer? Lifeline

24. Your life? Stressful

25. Your mood? Scared

26. Missing someone? Tim

27. Your car? None

28. Something you're not wearing? Undergarments

29. Favourite Store? Sears

30. Your summer? Hibernating

31. Like someone? Yes

32. Your favourite colour? Purple

33. When is the last time you laughed? Today

34. When is the last time you cried? Tonight

35. Who will re-post this? All?

That was fun...i hope you'll play along...let me know, k.

ps...eye crisis over...was very scary (could you tell?)...i have no idea what that was.

My eyes

I am scared right eyes are acting funny...a blotch started out small..but is really growing in is weird shaped but is outlined in dazzling lines, sparkly and moving around the blob...i've never had this happen before...has anyone else?

It is seriously affecting my sight right is there when my eyes are open and when they are closed...what is happening, what is this, what does it mean...have any of you had such a thing happen?


Sunday night late

Getting ready for another week of treatment. Week three. I know i can do it but i can't wait for it to be over. Three days a week is really getting to me. I am so very tired all of the time, it's so hard tending to mother these days. Making meals can be torture when you are feeling nauseous...but it has to be done. The only thing is, mother is barely eating. She is still unwell. We had a urine sample tested and they found she has a bladder infection (does that cause the diarrhea and vomiting, i don't know)...i need to call the doctors office on Monday to ask. She needs to be seen but is refusing to go. She wants to be home. I am of the mind to call an ambulance and have her taken to the hospital. Surely they would treat her much better there than i can do here....but she cries and whines and does not want to go. I think i will just have to make the decision for her after i've spoken to the doctors office, to tell them how sick she still is. They did give her antibiotics and at least she is tolerating them, she often has a tough time with them.

Have i ever talked about the fact that my adult nephew lives here with us? He is 35 and acts like an immature teenager and has a terrible mouth on him. He has no respect for his mother nor mother or myself. He calls us rude names and makes all sorts of comments...but the worst thing is, he is a scammer and fast talker. I'll go into him another time because i just don't want to talk much about him....i just want him out but my sister won't put him out. She is enabling him and we are guilty of that too. The craziness has to stop, it is doing my head in and i don't need to be dealing with all of this right now, nor does mother. At this point in her life she deserves some peace.

Other than all of this 'stuff' going on, i have had a very lazy weekend. I slept most of it away though...spending some time in between sleeps and naps with Tim. My sister rented two movies this weekend. We watched one last night, Oscar nominated Atonement. I fell asleep last night so had to watch it again this morning. It was very good, i really enjoyed it. The second movie was called Becoming Jane. I didn't see it. My sister was in a big rush to take them back to the store. It wasn't one i'd been wanting to see so it was no big deal, i just enjoy watching movies. Usually i have popcorn with it but i didn't this time...oh well, next time.

Well i am going to head to your blogs now...see you there.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Thursdays ramblings

Time seems to fly in between my posts. I apologize for that, there is a lot going on.

The treatments you know about...Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. This is my second week...almost done for this one and craving the weekend and two days off in a row. Joy. Needless to say, i'm sick...and tired, so very tired and oh the headaches. I won't drone on about them, suffice it to say...they hurt.

On top of that, mother is ill. We think she hasn't gotten over her kidney infection. She is having trouble urinating and she also has the runs. I know, not pleasant...but it's been going on for over a week now. She isn't eating much at all. She won't see the doctor and does not want to go to the hospital. The doctor has requested the local lab come by and take a urine sample...but so far they haven't come and i am worried. I've never seen her this way. She looks so tiny, so frail. When she is sleeping i check her to make sure she is still breathing. Worried, indeed. We can't let this go untreated much longer though, we'll have to put our foot down and have an ambulance come and take her to hospital... even if the lab comes today (or tomorrow) it will be next week before we get the results. Sigh.

I also have some computer problems. Not hardware related, thankfully... but at least if it were that, it could be replaced and sorted out. Right now i am in a frustrating place... waiting for an installation disc from my isp to reinstall MSN Premium. I was told to uninstall it (long story) and now i can't get it reinstalled. I've tried doing it from an online download site and it just keeps getting stuck...hence them sending me out a disc. The whole disc thing got complicated...again a long story (isn't every story w ith your isp) but i hope for its arrival in 5-7 business days. I won't hold my breath...just in case. As well as problems with my MSN Premium, i've been having problems using IE 7 and playing on Pogo...but i think i have that problem solved (fingers and toes crossed)....and as if that weren't enough...i keep getting an error message from my Windows XP on startup...something about the drive not being ready. I think this might mean that i need to do some kind of repair with my Windows....but between that and that problems with MSN Premium, i am worried sick that i will lose all of the beautiful emails that Tim has written me over the past few months. I hope it won't come to that. I wish i had printed them all out...heck i wish i had a printer....but now, here i a loss and still keeping my toes and fingers crossed and saying a prayer that i don't lose them, they mean that much to me.

On a happier note...some time ago i mentioned Tim had sent me a gift. It was a lovely teddy bear from the Vermont Teddy Bear company....a beautiful white angel teddy bear. She is positively darling and i cried when i got her because the card from Tim said that angels were watching over me. So touching. He really is a lovely man.

Which brings me to the parcel i sent Tim. Hooray he received it on Tuesday, finally. I sent him a bunch of things..including an iPOD shuffle and some monogrammed cufflinks...a silver chain and some cologne. Some other things too, which escape my diseased brain right now....but the most important thing was the laptop. Hooray! He has it. I am so glad i sent it to him. He's been busy working on it, loading his programs, etc on to it and perhaps today he will try it out when we get together online to talk and play.

I've been meaning to the font okay for all of you? I hope it is large enough...please let me know if it isn't.

I think i will go lay down for a while. I had trouble sleeping last night. I laid awake for ever flipping around the tv channels...looking for something to watch....when i did try to sleep i tossed and i haven't slept much. I will catch up w ith you at some point later today...for now my bed calls....if i can keep out of the bathroom long enough to sleep.

Monday, March 24, 2008

So tired

I hope all of you had a happy Easter. Mine was quiet, uneventful....all of us here have been feeling unwell and none of us felt like making a big meal (ie, turkey and the trimmings) so we had a quiet day, like the rest of the weekend. I did go grocery shopping yesterday. I don't know how i did it when all i seem to want to do these days is sleep, a direct result of the chemo. I slept most of Sunday and Sunday night, i don't know how i do it but i can just wake up and feel so tired i can fall back to sleep with no problem at all.

I didn't have my treatment on Friday so it's been a long weekend off for me, i'll be back to it Monday, bright and early. Week two of six.

Well, i don't have much to say so i'll close and go read your blogs....i'll write again tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Good morning

Early Tuesday morning and i'm feeling rough from yesterdays treatment. I slept the moment i got home practically. I'd been up most of the night prior, full of angst and unable to sleep. Tim kept me company, we talked and played and whitened our teeth together, he is so good to be with, even through the silent times, when neither of us is is just such a comfort to know he is with me.

Monday, when i got home, as i said, i slept...and slept and slept. I did make dinner for everyone but it wasn't hard, i just reheated leftovers from Sundays delicious dinner of roast, yorkshire pudding and all of the rest of the trimmings. Sunday it was so good...Monday i wanted nothing to do with it so the others ate happily. I had some bread, had to have something on my stomach but at least it was something.

By 8pm or so i was back in bed. I saw a bit of Dancing with the Stars, i think it will be a fun go round, i'm looking forward to it but just couldn't stay awake. I was asleep off and on, up and out of bed from time to time only to slip back in. I was feeling so tired, so weak and just generally unwell. Around 3 or 4 am i called Tim...we met online and played a few games of rummy and a bit of chess...but we said our goodnights and i'll be going to bed myself shortly, i just wanted to post before doing so.

I'm also getting together some things i am sending to Tim today, via UPS. I will take everything to the store and have them parcel it up. I am sending my laptop and various other things, including the gifts i bought him for Christmas. We'd each been holding on to them, to celebrate when we got together but since we are unsure when that will be, i want to send them to him. I am really looking forward to sending him the laptop. His is old and causes him some problems and it is making me feel good to be able to send it to him...besides, it is probably more than a bit selfish of me..i am afraid of his dying and not being able to spend time with him as we do each day and night. See, selfish aren't i.

As i am sure you may have n oticed, i can't quite figure out which font i've been using....hence the differences. This one is Georgia...and i'm trying hard to remember it so that i can keep on using it...i don't like using all different fonts but i just can't remember which one i had been using.

Mother is asleep and has been doing pretty well. She has been taking an anti-depressant for a little over a month and oh boy, what a difference they've made. She isn't nearly as panicky (though she does have some moments of it) it hardly compares to the way she used to be. I can leave the room for brief periods without her shouting for me in a panicked state...which has taken a lot of pressure off of me. It was just getting too much to have to be with her nearly every minute. Having chemo now for three days a week will be much easier now that she is more stable, thank goodness.

My sister went to the dentist yesterday and had her teeth cleaned. I intend on doing that soon, hence my whiteneing them...isn't that silly, whitening them to go see the dentist...kind of like cleaning before the cleaning lady comes.

Well i had better head to bed and get at least a couple of hours of sleep. I am waiting for a parcel to arrive from Tim. He sent me something but i have no clue what...he is such a dear heart about giving gifts....and i can hardly wait to find out what it is. Recently i sent him a couple of things. I sent him a cheese basket, with various kinds of cheeses and some jerky (which he enjoys) and i think salami, crackers and some rye bread. He is enjoying it i think...and i also bought him some new cordless phones. His were going and i was being selfish again, wanting to be sure to be able to get hold of him...they are cool looking phones. I included him in the process of finding them. I wanted him to like them. I thought of getting myself the same ones but we decided it was silly to have four phones (they came with two handsets and an answering machine) when we move in together....he was right of course. Monday i ordered him a little surprise again...i hope he likes it but i ca n't tell you what it is or it will ruin it for him, since he reads this (hello honey). I will tell you after he's received it, what it was and why i sent it.

Off to bed finally...i've blathered on far too much already. Hope you all had a happy St Patrick's day....i hope none of you are hung over from the green beer or the Guiness and i hope you all have a great Tuesday.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

A bundle of nerves

Just a quick note to all of you to let you know i've been sick, a flu bug or something... and now i'm having computer issues...grrr, so frustrating. I am waiting for my ISP to send me a disk, it should arrive in a few days then i'll hopefully be able to get it all sorted out.

Tomorrow i resume my chemo treatments. I am nervous about it, i don't know why...i've been sick for so many years that you think it would be old hat ...but it isn't and i feel like a school-girl all nervous about the first day of school...silly i know, but there you have it.

I have to get caught up on all of your blogs and i look forward to doing that, i've missed reading you all. I hope this quick missive finds you all well.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Oh so cranky...

It has been a very lazy day for me, though in the last 90 minutes i've had a bit of a spurt of energy. In that time i have tidied up, vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom sink and toilet (does anyone like doing that?) and just now threw in a load of towels, stuff i didn't wash yesterday. I don't know why this spurt....but i'm going with the flow, despite how i feel.

I'm feeling crampy and back-achey...oh and the ever present head-achey too and in general just don't feel well. You must get tired of hearing about my headaches but they are related to my tumour. I get so tired of having them...and my mother is fed up hearing me say i have a bad headache... but what can i say. Maybe she should stop asking what's wrong with me...and just assume i am not feeling well. Maybe that is a safe bet. Or i'm just in a cranky mood.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

What a day...

So i went to see my oncologist this morning. After my last scan there had been a further very slight (ge gives me numbers which i never remember, darned tumour) reduction in my tumour....when he said that that's all i could think of...and probably heard nothing more, until he said things are such that we should resume chemo treatments and that he feels very positive about getting some good results. I'll be having it four days a week for 6 weeks. They will call me with the start date. I am not looking forward to it but of course it must be done...and the sooner the better. I want to get on with things so that i can get well and be with Tim.

When i came home from the doctors i changed into my jammies and laid down, i was tired and really hadn't slept much last night. While laying there, my nose suddenly began to run...i sniffled and kind of wiped it but it got worse...then i realized i was having a nose bleed. It bled quite a bit (so it seemed) because it got all over my pillow and quilt ...down my jammies..and when i stood up, dripped on the carpeting (oh lovely) until my mother was able to shove some kleenex my way so that i could get it under control. I felt shakey and lightheaded, i think mostly from the sight of all of the blood everywhere....but i already had a bad headache, the nosebleed seemed to make it then my head was throbbing.

After i got changed and tidied up...thankfully with some cold soapy water it came out of the carpeting...but it meant i'd be doing laundry to wash clothes and bedding. Ugh. I did not feel like doing this today. I finally got it all going now...i can't wait for it to finish so that i can lay down...on a nice, fresh washed bed.

After all that had happened and before i put the laundry in i went to the grocery store to pick up a few items, the most important item being laundry soap. I'd been for a major shop on Sunday but had forgotten all about detergent...we were all out so i had to go get some. I really did not feel like going but stuff had to be washed, i didn't want the stains to set.

I didn't pick up very much but i did get a garden salad for dinner with some boneless pork chops that i'll bread (if i can find the energy). At this point i just want to sleep...isn't that always the case with me, i am always so tired....that and my monthly friend has arrived. No i am not's such a good thing but along with it, as you ladies know, comes the pain and discomfort. Suffice it to say i feel crappy today.

I really hope you're having a better day...i will be by your blogs later, to see what all of you are up to.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

An award

I am sorry i haven't been around, i have really not been doing well. Will post when i am feeling better.
Deena was thoughtful and thought of me when she handed out this lovely award...i'd like to give it to the following people.
Thank all of you so much...i love each and every one of your blogs and i appreciate you reading mine and leaving comments when you do. I really wanted to give it to all of you because i do love all of you for being my blogging friends.
Deena i wish i could give it back to you too but i guess that would be silly...thank you again for thinking of me!