As Christmas nears, my mood saddens. Tim and i were meant to be together this Christmas but financially it's just not possible. Hopefully we'll be able to spend time together but i know it's a busy family time for him. We'll have a get together here on Christmas eve with my sisters other son and his wife and children here...but Christmas day it will just be the four of us here. Sure we'll have a nice dinner but i won't be with Tim.
So i'm finding it hard to get into the spirit of things. I've yet to do any shopping. I desperately need to go but with chemo and this darned tooth i've just had to put it off. S has been busy with her own things too and my aunt, who has offered to come stay with mother when i need to go, has been sick, so things just aren't working out. S had the day off Monday and i had thought it would be a good time to get out to the stores but it turned out she had plans of her own and was in and out most of the day and into the evening. Maybe i'll get to go on Tuesday at dinner time. Maybe Sue will fix dinner for her and mother and i can go out then. Maybe getting out and doing some shopping will put me in more of a Christmas spirit. I can only hope.
I have two more months of chemo after finishing this past weeks round. So i'll be done in time for my birthday in February. I hope and pray for good results.
Mother is in a fit state. She has never been one to enjoy the holiday season. I don't know why. There have been times when i've tried to talk to her about it, about why she gets like this...but when i have it only makes her worse. Obviously it's a sore subject for some reason. I try to be understanding but she gets so miserable she affects me as she has been lately. Earlier tonight she told me she wants to cancel the hairdresser coming because she just doesn't want to get her hair done for Christmas. I can't believe it. She always wants to look nice. I think i'll wait a few days and see if she changes her mind.
We are expecting snow later on in the week. I hope it comes. It doesn't feel like winter. Sure it's been cold but to see snow on the ground would make it real...and it's always nice to have a white Christmas, isn't it.
Earlier on MSN my sister L and i chatted. We've been keeping in touch via email but i haven't seen her in years even though she lives in the same city. It's difficult to explain why. My family is so dysfunctional and L has been separated from the family for as long as i can remember. It's been so long that i can hardly remember why. Mother sees her as a trouble maker. So does my sister S. My sister Lane has no time for her. I am the only one who keeps in touch but as i said, via email. L wants more. This puts me in an awkward position. I love L and want to see her but it would make things rocky here. My mother went through a bitter divorce and L seemed (according to mother) to take 'his' side. I can't remember all that has gone on anymore and quite frankly i don't care. L is my sister and i want to see her. I have to talk to S and mother about it. I know they won't be happy, i do know that. L feels sad and left out of everything. She's had some strokes lately, has had to give up nursing because of her many health problems and she needs family. I want to be there for her and i know email isn't quite doing it. I'm trying. It's just a bit difficult because i just can't leave mother behind. She doesn't want to be left on her own. As i've mentioned in prior posts (i think?) ...mother lives in the bedroom. We share a room. We have tv and my computer in here. She doesn't like me to leave the room. If i go to the living room to sit with S for a while, chat or watch tv, she gets mad...and i mean mad. She'll get into a real snit and sometimes won't talk for days. Otherwise she will just make things supremely miserable.
So, what to do. I know i'll figure something out but it will take some time. Perhaps when my aunt is feeling better i can ask her to come visit with mother while i go see L...or we could meet for a coffee or go shopping together. It will get figured out i'm sure...and i'll have to deal with mother and her foul moods..i always do.
Dear Big Kid,
1 week ago