Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Thank you!

Having a rough day today...but what should I expect on treatment day.

Since having chemo this morning..I have been doing really nothing but sleeping. That and frequent trips to the bathroom. I am in pain but I can bear the pain if it means I am alive to keep fighting.

The main reason I wanted to post today, was to thank those of you that commented on my last post. It meant a lot to me that you responded.

I have decided not to say anything, unless he says something to me. Most likely he will not, so I will just leave it at that.

Well, I am going to get a glass of ice water and crawl back into bed. See you again soon.

Monday, July 15, 2013

I need to know

It's been a little while again, since I last posted. I'm feeling like I need to talk, as it here I go.

Yesterday my male friend was to come over to work on my computer..and stay for dinner. He was to be here at 4pm. At 5.30pm I hadn't heard from him and I sort of assumed he wasn't coming.

Twenty minutes later he calls and asks if I still want him to come. I say yes, of course...dinner is simmering and I needed some help. Plus, to be honest...I was looking forward to a bit of company. I keep to myself far too often. That and he really is my only friend and I rarely see him now...makes for some lonely times.

Anyway, he tells me he will be here in 30 minutes.

Twenty minutes or so passes and the buzzer goes. Ahh, he is here. I let him in and I open the door and there stands my friend and a woman. He introduces her (but I have forgotten her name) and I let them in.

I must say, I was sort of taken aback. I was not expecting anyone else, just him...but I tried to roll with it. After all, I'd made a big pot of spaghetti sauce and garlic bread and pasta...what's one more.

They came to my room, where my computer is and where I spend most of my time. Awkward because I had to invite her to sit on my he was going to need the computer chair to be working on the computer.

We made pleasantries as he worked...and every once in a while they made time for some canoodling. Okay...I get that..they're in love..or whatever. He works but isn't having much luck. Then she asks when supper will be ready. I asked if they were hungry, they both replied I went to turn the pasta water on to boil...and preheated the oven for the garlic bread.

As happens when you're waiting for it, water takes forever to boil. I am back and forth to the kitchen, trying to hurry things between...I come back to my room to socialize when they can tear themselves apart. 

She begins to ask me questions...probing, personal and sometimes downright hurtful questions. Some of which were...what is wrong with me, do I take a lot of medication, why is my percocet bottle so I really need 240 of them...and one of the most painful I going to die.

I was dumbfounded. I have never been grilled like this before and I was extremely uncomfortable. I tried to give some answers while protecting my privacy. In the end I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

Was I being overly-sensitive or too closed off or was she out of line? I don't know. After they left I cried.

I don't know why exactly but I did.

I was so relieved when after dinner, they left. They needed to get home so didn't stay long after dinner. 

Question is...should I say something to my friend about this...or just hold my tongue?


Sunday, May 26, 2013

Dream a little dream of me

My head is hurting so much today..thinking is painful.

So here I sit, writing this..hoping it will make some sense, or none at all, who knows?

The day started out great. I woke up from a great sleep and felt good. It's been a beautiful day here, weather-wise. Just perfect. In fact I will it could be like this all summer long...sun shining brightly, but it is neither too hot nor humid at all.

I don't deal too well with those things, at all. Knowing that the weather will be turning that way has me anxious for the installation of our window unit air conditioners. My nephew is responsible for putting them in and there is really no telling when that will be. I just hope it's before we hit a really humid spell. Ugh.

In other news, regarding said headache..I slept this afternoon...just for a little bit and had the weirdest dream. It's one of those dreams where you wake up feeling unsettled. Well, I don't have a clue what it was about...but when I woke up I was totally out of it for about 10 minutes. I wonder if said headache caused the dream.

It has me wondering.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

A little outing

I forced myself to leave the house today. More and more I am letting myself become housebound...or in my case, apartment bound. 

So yesterday, even though it was chemo day, I made an appointment at a nail salon and promised myself I would keep it.

You see, years ago I used to treat myself better. I don't smoke or drink...i eat...and like to get mani/pedis. Not a crime, right.

Well for a long while, by my mom and other family members, I was left feeling like I was wasting money. On some level too, I felt I was no longer 'worth' the cost. But what the I said, I have no vices..I don't go to movies, or to clubs..only thing I spend my money on, apart from my living food. But don't get me started on that.

So off I went this morning, 8.30am for a 9am appointment. I am always nervous going to new places alone...and this was my first time at this salon...but as soon as I opened the door they welcomed me and the whole time I was there, there was a lot of laughter and pleasant conversation. And not just with the technicians, but with the other clients too. I really did enjoy myself..and I got a pedicure and a manicure to boot. Not bad, eh!

So..that was a fun, non-medically related appointment that I have had in a long time. I intend to go again too.

I need to stop being so hard on myself.

And so it begins.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Little things

Today is chemo day. As a result, at the moment I am not feeling very well. But in light of all that has taken place in Moore, Oklahoma, I shall try not to complain.

I read somewhere this morning, something that I take my next breath, think about those that are taking their last.

That really struck a chord with me today. Still in disbelief that mom is truly gone. Sometimes when the phone rings, I wonder if it's her. Or I'll see something coming on TV that I just know she'd enjoy and I almost pick up the phone to call her.

She died March 08, 2013 and it still feels like it isn't real. How long does it take to adjust yourself to the loss. I don't know.

I was 6 years old when my father died, in 1969. He was only 36 years old when he passed away from complications due to having diabetes. It is so sad to me that I don't remember the man, half responsible for bringing me into this world. So young too..he had 4 children, a wife and seemingly his whole life ahead of him. 

I may not be a thrill seeker, in light of my disease. I may not be searching for the meaning of life. To mean, life is to be lived. And so I try to take each day as it comes.

I try to really appreciate the little things in life, for they are what's so important to me now.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Happy Reading

It is a beautiful day in my neighbourhood today and I'm too grouchy and headachey to fully enjoy it.

I had planned to grab the book I am trying to read and go sit out on the balcony to read..but it is so bright that I would need my sunglasses...problem is a I need my glasses to read. I think the bright sun would not have helped my headache situation, so I decided to stay indoors...laze on my bed and read.

The book I am reading has really grabbed me. It is called Death's Shadow by Jon Wells. It is about true tales of homicide in my city. So far I'd say well worth the read, particularly if you are interested in local cases from the Hamilton, ON area

My sister is going to a church function after work, so I do not have to cook dinner. My nephew suggested we make a shepherd's pie for dinner. It's one of those frozen deals. Quick and easy, my favourite. Sounds like a plan I say.

I have a couple of loads of laundry to do today but I'm just not in the mood right now. Hoping that will change later as I'd really like to get it done today.

For now, I think I will go laze about on my bed some more and read that book I've been telling you about.



Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Oh My Aching Head

I had a good night's sleep last night but boy did I wake up with one heck of a headache. Feeling like I just want to stay in bed but must fight the urge.

Had great medical news yesterday. Labs and scans were good so we are set for another round of chemo. I was so relieved when I got home yesterday, that I passed out and slept for a couple of hours. 

So next Wednesday, it's on like Donkey Kong!

Going to take something for my headache and lay down, watch some TV and hopefully doze off for a bit. With any luck, I'll feel a bit better when I wake up.


Sunday, May 12, 2013

A Bit Of Sunshine

The day was a sad one for me but I got through it. My honey Tim cheered me up and is so patient when I cry. I love him for that.

The sun poked it's head out here and there today...which was just like my mood. Sometimes grey, sometimes not.

Two things are certain. I thought a lot about my mom and my son Brad today and I miss them both, terribly.

And so life goes on...I'll continue to wipe away the tears and smile through them as Tim makes me laugh.

I'll watch the Toronto Maple Leafs hopefully win game six against the Boston Bruins tonight...and I'll listen to my favourite radio show on called I'm With Stupid. If you have a chance, listen to these two amazingingly funny men. With their help today too, I am laughing through my tears.

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's day. A day to celebrate mom's. This is my first without mom and I am missing her.

I woke up this morning feeling down. Didn't stay up long. Bed seems to be the place for me today. It's rainy and my mood is grey.

Not only do I miss my mom but I miss my son. I know I probably won't hear from him today yet deep inside I am hoping I will.

There is a distance between us that I do not know how to mend. I know I wasn't the greatest mom, so I don't blame him for harbouring the feelings he does. But today they just hurts.


Saturday, May 11, 2013

Sobering fact

Good morning. It is just after 9am here and I've been awake for about 4 hours. I'm feeling good but a little sleepy.

I had a rough week. Chemo doing it's thing, lots of vomiting and other unpleasantness. I've had much love and support getting through the days...but I've been in such pain, it really makes it hard to function on any given day. That same pain that makes me feel bad also makes me grateful to be alive. And I am so grateful to be alive.

So I'm in pain, so what. I take pain meds. Said pain meds make me sleepy. Sometimes it seems like all I do is sleep. I have to accept this for now. My body needs rest to heal...and I want it to heal.

This coming week I am off chemo.  A whole blessed week off. Sure there will be medical appointments, etc...but I can do that. Sure I can. 

Five weeks on, one off. This for a year. Until they stop seeing any improvement. Or I die. 


Thursday, May 2, 2013

Good morning. I had a pretty good sleep last night, albeit a short one. I did wake up at 4am, not feeling well at all, but that has passed and I am now ready to face the day.

Yesterday started off sadly. Sometimes the sadness of mom being gone washes over me and I break down in tears. That happened then. It is as if her passing was not real.

I remember walking in the room and seeing her, laying there on her bed. The life gone from her body, just the shell of who she had been remained. I went to her immediately..bent down, put my head next to hers..and placed my hand on her forehead. I remember vividly how cold she felt. That feeling has stuck with me. It just comes to mind every now and again throughout the day.

Lots was going on around her that evening. People talking, hugging and of course crying. Myself and my 3 sisters there. Our step-sister and some of mom's grandchildren. Family politics reared their ugly head that they often do at times like this. It hit me that I would probably never see two of my sisters again..for reasons I just can't go in to right now.

Arrangements were made for mom..and so we waited with her until they arrived to pick up her body. When they did, we all went out into the hall while they did what they had to do, then they wheeled her out in the body bag. That image for me is something I will never forget.

After mom was taken away, we all said our goodbyes and 3 of my sisters made arrangements to meet the next day at the funeral home to make the arrangements. For health reasons I was not to attend. I really wish I had gone that day. That is something I will regret til the end of my days.

Mom left no money, no will and she was deeply in debt. Mom had spoken about not wanting to be put in the ground, she was terrfied of being buried. So cremation was chosen for mom. Mom had no friends. Her two remaining siblings *out of 11* are critically ill themselves and in palliative care and would not have been able to attend a service. The 3 sisters decided to cremate mom, not have a service and that was that. Unfortunately, finances played a heavy part in their decision.

The day they made these decisions I was home and my oldest sister, whom I share and apartment with, was making decisions for me for mom. As I said, mom was to be cremated and the person that they met with said mom would be ready to take home by that Wednesday. My oldest sister and I had already decided that we did not want mom's ashes. That is something else I regret already. I wish I had mom with me. Just typing this makes my heart hurt and makes me cry. Mom was given to my two other sisters and my niece and nephew.

My oldest sister paid for the cremation. She felt it was easier than asking the other two for any contributions...and trust me when I say, they were not offering. I did offer to help my sister but she declined my offer. She knows I am on a disability pension and cannot afford to help. I feel guilty that I haven't contributed but that's where it's been left.

A week after mom passed away, my two other sisters held a memorial for mom. I don't know all of the people that were invited but I do know that my son and his family went. My sister and I were not invited. In fact we were told it was private and not welcome.

And so that is basically how my family handled mom's passing. A family divided for sure.   
I had a rather good day today. 

I had an outing with my sister. I went with her to get her hair done, then we went shopping. When we got home, we hung out in front of the tv, watching this and that...but by 10pm I was tired and headed to my room to bed.

It is now after midnight and I am still awake. I have a headache and my sciatica is really acting up. I need to Google  more about far as possibly finding something that might help relieve it. It is quite bothersome and painful.

When I sat down here, it was my goal to write about my mom and my son a bit...but to be honest I can't face writing about either of them tonight.

I'm trying to get back into the swing of writing a blog..thank you to those who have commented on my recent posts. I did not receive notification of any replies, so I think I need to check my settings. Also, this font seems awfully small to me as I type this so I am wondering if it will be just as small when I post this.

I'm on re-learning curveplease be patient.

Will get into bed now and hope that sleep comes soon.


Thursday, March 21, 2013

On Friday March 8th my mother passed away. My world has not been the same since. I'm having trouble sleeping. Images of her as she laid in her bed as we all said our goodbyes and waited for the funeral home to arrive and remove her body are emblazoned in my mind.

Mom did not want to be buried, so we had her cremated. Also pressed into my mind are awful images of my mother burning. I cannot get these out of my mind. I'm trying though.

Our family has fallen to pieces in the meantime. Four sister divided in two. My oldest sister and I and then the other two.

This makes me so sad but it cannot be helped. Family politics aside, we've always been a dysfunctional all of this happening is not surprising. The chasms have just widened. So yes it is sad but knowing my family, it is not surprising.

I loved my mom...and i took care of her for the better part of the last 10 years. We spent so much time together... we drove each other crazy but we loved each other too...and I will miss her.

RIP mom.