Friday, August 1, 2008

It just hurts

I am just out of a nice, warm bath. I enjoy a nice soak late at night...and now was when i had the energy to do it. I feel nice and clean and womanly but's why.

Thursday was not a very good day on the homefront. It really started on Wednesday.

Mother hadn't been feeling well that day and was sitting on the commode chair, throwing up. She asked me to hold the little bucket that she was being sick in. I couldn't, i just couldn't. I'd have been sick too...i don't know why but i get squeamish about that stuff. Things haven't been the same since. She told me i am cruel. She called me all sorts of names that i will not repeat, mostly because they came from a foul mouth. She also told me next time the phone rang and it was Tim, that she would answer it (she NEVER answers the phone) and tell him how horrible i am, etc. She went on and on. It really gets to me, the things my mother says about me. Not taking into account that i am ill and still care for her as best i can...but that i am her 'daughter' and she still says such mean and cruel things to me.

I let it get to me. I feel down and depressed. I mean if your own mother thinks and says such things, what must others think...what does Tim think. Her words niggle away at me...i try to stop them. I have tried all my life to fight her words...but i am weak and they sink in and i sink further and further inside myself.

That was Wednesday. Thursday wasn't much better. The barrage of nastiness continued and try as i might to put on a brave face, to show her her meaness wasn't affecting was.

The thing is...i find it hard to talk about with Tim. I feel ashamed that my 'mother' would say such things and in the vernacular that she uses (mostly curse words). She calls me a goody-goody because i feel like a lady shouldn't swear. I am not perfect and i have uttered fact i did today and it only made me feel worse, that i sunk to her level...but she gets to me...and i let her.

It's tearing me apart. I am crying as i type this. I can't stop the tears, she hurts me, she always has and here i am for her. Am i a fool.

In other news, i saw my doctor on Wednesday morning. My iron levels are low, which may well be part of the reason why i sleep so much lately. The good news is that my tumor is slow-growing and so he has decided to treat me at home, with temodar. Five days on it and then 23 off. I am happy. To be able to be in the comfort of home will be good...i think.

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