Thursday, May 2, 2013

Good morning. I had a pretty good sleep last night, albeit a short one. I did wake up at 4am, not feeling well at all, but that has passed and I am now ready to face the day.

Yesterday started off sadly. Sometimes the sadness of mom being gone washes over me and I break down in tears. That happened then. It is as if her passing was not real.

I remember walking in the room and seeing her, laying there on her bed. The life gone from her body, just the shell of who she had been remained. I went to her immediately..bent down, put my head next to hers..and placed my hand on her forehead. I remember vividly how cold she felt. That feeling has stuck with me. It just comes to mind every now and again throughout the day.

Lots was going on around her that evening. People talking, hugging and of course crying. Myself and my 3 sisters there. Our step-sister and some of mom's grandchildren. Family politics reared their ugly head that they often do at times like this. It hit me that I would probably never see two of my sisters again..for reasons I just can't go in to right now.

Arrangements were made for mom..and so we waited with her until they arrived to pick up her body. When they did, we all went out into the hall while they did what they had to do, then they wheeled her out in the body bag. That image for me is something I will never forget.

After mom was taken away, we all said our goodbyes and 3 of my sisters made arrangements to meet the next day at the funeral home to make the arrangements. For health reasons I was not to attend. I really wish I had gone that day. That is something I will regret til the end of my days.

Mom left no money, no will and she was deeply in debt. Mom had spoken about not wanting to be put in the ground, she was terrfied of being buried. So cremation was chosen for mom. Mom had no friends. Her two remaining siblings *out of 11* are critically ill themselves and in palliative care and would not have been able to attend a service. The 3 sisters decided to cremate mom, not have a service and that was that. Unfortunately, finances played a heavy part in their decision.

The day they made these decisions I was home and my oldest sister, whom I share and apartment with, was making decisions for me for mom. As I said, mom was to be cremated and the person that they met with said mom would be ready to take home by that Wednesday. My oldest sister and I had already decided that we did not want mom's ashes. That is something else I regret already. I wish I had mom with me. Just typing this makes my heart hurt and makes me cry. Mom was given to my two other sisters and my niece and nephew.

My oldest sister paid for the cremation. She felt it was easier than asking the other two for any contributions...and trust me when I say, they were not offering. I did offer to help my sister but she declined my offer. She knows I am on a disability pension and cannot afford to help. I feel guilty that I haven't contributed but that's where it's been left.

A week after mom passed away, my two other sisters held a memorial for mom. I don't know all of the people that were invited but I do know that my son and his family went. My sister and I were not invited. In fact we were told it was private and not welcome.

And so that is basically how my family handled mom's passing. A family divided for sure.   


I'm With Stupid said...

Don't feel guilty. You could only do what you could do. You are a sweetie Jamie. :)


Z said...

I was 16 when my father died. I still remember how cold he felt. But please don't feel guilt or regret, it's the last thing your mom would want. As you say yourself, her body became a shell, it's your love for her and your memories that count, and they are with you always.

jAMiE said...

Thank you Matt!

jAMiE said...

Thank you're right, of course.