Fully, completely

So my sister left today. Gone for six days. I feel down. I wish it were me gone from this place. Listen to me, i say this place like i hate it. I don't...but i feel like i don't belong here any more. Is that silly? I like to think it's not.

So off S went to dog sit. She'll work Monday and Tuesday and take the rest of the week off. Good thing, it's her birthday on Wednesday, so she'll have some time to relax. Relax, who am i kidding...she hardly ever relaxes, she is almost always on the go, doing something...God bless her.

I, myself am quite happy to do nothing. Too happy sometimes.

Today has been a strange day. I should have gone out and got some groceries but mother is fighting that. It's a long story really but in lieu of contributing to the rent, utilities, etc here...she buys the groceries. Or has been. My sister felt this was a fair way for her to contribute. Mother agreed. Now she is balking at the whole notion. She says she spends way too much and she's fed up. She is also fed up with buying particular items, ie; skim milk for my sister, soya milk (also for my sister)..Tang (my nephew drinks the bulk of it but i do enjoy it sometimes)...cat food and kitty litter (they aren't her cats)...etc etc.

Well, she told me this the other day and i was like...WHAT? What am i supposed to do..just buy what she wants. How selfish. I kept most of my inner comments to myself...but later spoke to my sister about it. I informed her that mother no longer wanted to purchase said items. S was furious....after all, she and i don't get to pick and choose when we pay rent/hydro/phone..etc.

I felt stuck in the middle, she said, she said. Ahhhhhhh. I know i sort of put myself in a bad spot going to my sister but i had to tell her. She'd have expected me to come home with her things from the grocery store and i wouldn't be, according to mother.

When i informed mother that i'd told my sister. She called me a troublemaker and a tattletale. She accused me of stirring up trouble. Ugh. Mother drives me insane and wastes no situation in which she can make mean comments about me. You'd think i'd be used to this. I am not.

So her bottom line was, she wasn't going to buy any groceries, at all. None.

Fine. So i wasn't going to have an outing today. There is very little in the way of milk or bread or potatoes...no laundry soap, low on toilet tissue. You get the picture.

Thing is, i'm in a financial bind right now. My doing. Totally my doing. So i can't just rush out and buy groceries myself, as i have been doing prior to this happening (again...yes again...this situation keeps happening)...so what to do.

As all of you know, it's hard to make breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks umpteen times a day for a woman who is very particular...without ingredients.

So i will make do, somehow until such time that she changes her mind.

Don't get me wrong. We won't starve but we won't be having meat, potatoes and two to three vegetables (which is what she expects) each meal. We'll be having eggs (til they run out)..oven fries and chicken nuggets (which i guiltily enjoy from time to time so keep in the freezer)...oh i'll think of things to have..........and she'll utter the dreaded "yuk" to everything i make...but if she won't be buying groceries, she'll have to grin and bear it.

Is she capable of that. Nope. She is the most unhappy, negative person you'd ever meet. It makes me sad, yes. But i am trying my hardest not to let it get me down. I'm fighting to keep my head above water too.

So it's been a strange day, indeed.

As i type this, mother is making a list. A list of possible groceries? I don't know. She asks me certain things...what brand is this, do we have that. I answer as politely as i can.... but if she wants me to go shopping sometime tomorrow, she'll be left alone and she never wants that. So what now.

Just trying to keep sane here.

Fully, completely.

Trouble at the henhouse

Gosh, what a terrible post that last one was...i apologize for that. I was really in a bad way....things are better, thank God!

I finished my temodar last week and now have some time off of it. It was rough going but i'm doing better. The thing about being treated at home is...now i'm home. No excuses/reason to have to go out. I'll see my doctor soon though and see how things are coming along.

It has been a rough week with mother though..more of the same as usual. Her being difficult and stubborn and yes even hurtful. With Tim's love and support i am getting through it. Only thing is, my sister is going away today. She is dog-sitting for her eldest son and his family as they go off to stay at a summer cottage. She won't be back home until Friday, so i won't have her hear to talk to and keep company with. The way mother has been, i really don't want to be around her too much if i can help it. Of course, for the most part, i can't help it...we share a bedroom and my computer is here...so i'm trying to let her snide comments roll right off my back...but they're not, not really...but i'm fighting it.

Tim has gone golfing today with his brother and his young son...so i will catch up on some blogging and then have a nap..i feel so tired.

Well...that's all for now...i'll pop round to see you all now..i can't wait to get there.

Jamie

Where i hurt.... my head, my body, my heart, my spirit.

Am i doomed?

Blathering on...and on... and on

I've had a day of pain today. Almost unbearable pain. Make me cry pain. This is when i am at my worst. The fear inside me rises and i feel terrified that my end is near. It takes over...i've been crying off and on all day...which only makes my headache worse. I tried to stop. I laid down countless times but could not sleep. When i did manage to get a bit of sleep...i had terrible dreams. My mind would just not rest.

This afternoon Tim and i watched some video footable about a former hospital in Louisville that treated tuberculosis patience. In the footage they talked about and showed what was called a death tunnel, which they used to transport dead people from the hospital, so as not to cause unessecary upset to the patience. When i i did manage to sleep a bit this afternoon, i dreamt i was wheeling down that dark tunnel and when i woke i was so frightened. It felt so real...i saw myself going down that tunnel. It scared me.

I guess i really haven't come to terms with the very real possibility that i could die. I need to do that. I accept that it could happen and that it could happen at any time...but some days, when i am having a good day, i manage to forget i am sick... and it's wonderful. Otherwise i seem to live in fear. It is not a good place to be.

I guess ever since i got sick some ten years ago i didnt realize what i was in for. Lots of stuff was going on in my life. I had been raped and only after an examination due to that, did they find a mass in my stomach. I was diagnosed with gastric cancer. Several years later that cancer metatasized to my brain. I was so busy living my life day to day that i just dealt with it the best i could. I was reeling from the rape and another traumatic incident that the cancer has almost always seemed secondary. It still does. Mother comes first. I know it's crazy but its pretty much true.

I wasn't one of those people that upon being diagnosed...decided to live life to the fullest. I didn't make a list of things that i wanted to do. I didn't set out to accomplish anything else but survive.

I think i've done a good job of that so far. It will be ten years in January that i have been battling cancer and i am still alive to talk about it. I am fairly productive...though i don't hold down a job, i look after my mother to the best of my abilities. Sure she complains. I hear all about the fact that i sleep too much, that i don't do enough around here to help my sister (in the cleaning department) but i do quite a lot, all things considered.

When my mother was in her own home, with her then husband (technically my step-father but i never viewed him as such) i did my best for both of them. I moved in to take care of her, then him after he had a stroke even though i detested the man because he molested me when i was a young girl. Still i looked after both of them. I was the one in the family not working (because i was ill) and didn't have a family to look after so it fell to me. I had a home i maintained financially, etc while living there too. I know...most if not all of you will say i was just being a doormat. I was silly for taking all of this on and i'm worse than silly for not getting out now. But as her daughter (not her natural daughter, but i was raised as such, just not treated as such) i took my duties very seriously.

I still do. But my heart is no longer in it. My heart and soul long to be with Tim. I need to find a way to make that happen.

God help me, i need to do it soon.

Wednesdays words

Well the mystery about my missing profile continues. I think (but i'm not positive) that this happened over on my other blog which is why, in part, i think i moved it here. Now it has happened again and i am perplexed because i don't know what i did but would like to know so that i don't do it again, should i move again.

It's just so frustrating not having a brain in proper working condition...or maybe i'm just a ditz and mess things up from time to time...which case, i cannot blame my tumor for that, can i.

I had a rather good day today. My third day of temodar and i have some sick times but otherwise i am functioning. I am thankful that i am not having to spend tons of time in bed because of it. Don't get me wrong...i'm tired most of the time and so i do take frequent naps but at least i am not bedridden. Thank God for that.

Today Tim went golfing with his brother and nephew. I am so glad he's been going most Wednesday with them. Last week they started out to play but the weather was iffy so they went to a movie instead. Today they played a full course and it sounded like they had a good time. Afterwards they went out for dinner to a Mexican restaurant which Tim said was very good. He didn't get home until after 8pm so he was gone most of the day. I missed him but i kept myself busy, when i wasn't napping that is.

I had a nap after i made mother her lunch and tidied up the kitchen and did the dishes. I set my alarm to wake me up 4pm. I was up and down during my nap, getting sick. I felt rough for a while there but it passed and i was able to get some sleep eventually. I awoke before the alarm went off, feeling much better and decided i'd get a start on dinner. I made a hamburger stew for the ladies which i would would have over rice. I know...kind of weird but my mom fancied rice and i wanted some too...just some plain white rice for me.

As the stew was simmering away, i decided to get together a couple of loads of laundry. I guess you could say i was feeling energetic...but more to the point, i was missing Tim and needed to do something to occupy myself, otherwise i sit and almost watch the clock, wondering when he'll get home.

It wasn't long before it was after 5pm and my sister came home from work. She'd left work early today because she had an appointment, then visited an elderly lady that she visits regularly for the VON (the Victorian Order of Nurses) as a volunteer. She was in a good mood and said dinner smelled yummy. By that time i was feeling somewhat nauseous again and wasn't enjoying it at all.

I got the laundry all done and folded and put away, then finished up making dinner. The ladies seemed to enjoy it...and i had a nice bowl of rice with a few brown beans. After dinner my sister did the dishes and i laid down in bed to watch some tv. I was feeling so tired again and needed to rest.

By that time it was 8pm and So You Think You Can Dance was on. AMerica's Greatest Dog was on at the same time but i set that to record and dozed during Dance. It's a good show but it just couldn't keep me awake. At some point after that Tim called to let me know he was home. It was so good to hear from him...he told me a bit about his game and dinner then he let me go to go lay down himself. Soon after i set my alarm again and dozed off.

At 9.30 my alarm went off but i still felt very tired so i just laid there, watching tv. Mother had Dog the Bounty Hunter on...i couldn't get into that so went into the living room to see what my sister was watching. I saw the last bit of Dance and then we watched Primtime while i rubbed my sister neck and shoulders. She had a headache and needed it..i was glad to help out. It's nice too when she does me but i was feeling fine so just did her.

After that show was over i made ice...my twice daily ritual (i would LOVE an ice maker) which i don't mind doing because i love my iced water...tidied up the kitchen, put the dinner dishes away and went to my room and laid down again.

Soon after that Tim called and we agreed to meet online and play some games...we played for a bit then i remembered mother wanted a bath. So we stopped playing and i went to bathe mother...after i was done, Tim decided he was pooped and wanted to go to bed. I can certainly feel for him there...i'm tired too but thought i'd blog before i got back into bed, this time for the night.

I'm looking forward to the Dance finale tomorrow night as well as eviction night on Big Brother...oh and the last episdoe of Hopkins...it's been an excellent medical series...i have two peidsodes that i haven't even watched yet, i'm saving them...maybe i'll even watch one when i go to bed now.

Off i go...hope each of you had a great day.

Jamie

Blog help please

I am wondering if anyone can help me. I just noticed a few minutes ago that my profile is no long appearing on my blog. I checked for it and can't seem to find it anywhere. What am i doing that it could just disappear. Is there a setting somewhere that i've unchecked, i don't know...i am confused. So confused.

Help.

A quick word

It was a long weekend here...it ended up being a nice, relaxing weekend. Monday i started my treatment with Temodar. So far it has made me quite sick. I will take it for five days then be off of it for the next 23 days, then start another cycle.

Mother has been in a better mood bordering on good the last few days. One day i went for groceries, i can't remember what day right now...and another day i did some shopping at Walmart. Their paper products are much cheaper than they are at the grocery store where i shop...i'm sure i've mentioned that before. It was hot here on the weekend but today it is pouring rain. Everything is so green, it's nice.

I am in pain and sick...so i think i'll go lay down. I've put dinner on and now my sister will keep an eye on it and will call me when it's done so i can serve mother hers. I don't know why but my sister really doesn't like to do that....it's ok though, i don't mind so much...i just hope i don't fall asleep.

I've been watching Wipeout on Tuesdays, it's a bit of fun...so that's on tonight as is the Japanese game show one...the name of that escappes me. Big Brother is on tonight too..i hope i can stay awake...i think i'll dvr it, just in case.

I hope you are enjoying your Tuesday...see you at your blogs soon.

Jamie

It just hurts

I am just out of a nice, warm bath. I enjoy a nice soak late at night...and now was when i had the energy to do it. I feel nice and clean and womanly but sad....here's why.

Thursday was not a very good day on the homefront. It really started on Wednesday.

Mother hadn't been feeling well that day and was sitting on the commode chair, throwing up. She asked me to hold the little bucket that she was being sick in. I couldn't, i just couldn't. I'd have been sick too...i don't know why but i get squeamish about that stuff. Things haven't been the same since. She told me i am cruel. She called me all sorts of names that i will not repeat, mostly because they came from a foul mouth. She also told me next time the phone rang and it was Tim, that she would answer it (she NEVER answers the phone) and tell him how horrible i am, etc. She went on and on. It really gets to me, the things my mother says about me. Not taking into account that i am ill and still care for her as best i can...but that i am her 'daughter' and she still says such mean and cruel things to me.

I let it get to me. I feel down and depressed. I mean if your own mother thinks and says such things, what must others think...what does Tim think. Her words niggle away at me...i try to stop them. I have tried all my life to fight her words...but i am weak and they sink in and i sink further and further inside myself.

That was Wednesday. Thursday wasn't much better. The barrage of nastiness continued and try as i might to put on a brave face, to show her her meaness wasn't affecting me...it was.

The thing is...i find it hard to talk about with Tim. I feel ashamed that my 'mother' would say such things and in the vernacular that she uses (mostly curse words). She calls me a goody-goody because i feel like a lady shouldn't swear. I am not perfect and i have uttered them...in fact i did today and it only made me feel worse, that i sunk to her level...but she gets to me...and i let her.

It's tearing me apart. I am crying as i type this. I can't stop the tears, she hurts me, she always has and here i am for her. Am i a fool.

In other news, i saw my doctor on Wednesday morning. My iron levels are low, which may well be part of the reason why i sleep so much lately. The good news is that my tumor is slow-growing and so he has decided to treat me at home, with temodar. Five days on it and then 23 off. I am happy. To be able to be in the comfort of home will be good...i think.