Mother is still in hospital. We believe she will be there for some time to come. They are still running tests and trying to figure things out. Yesterday after my treatment i popped in to see her. She seemed slightly more alert than she had been the last time i was there but that is probably because she'd been on morphine.
Now they are giving her two tylenol 3's every 6 hours and she doesn't feel it's enough. She is in a great deal of pain. I just can't get over seeing her there, laying in that hospital bed...so frail, so vulnerable. I am sad and scared of what's to come. Her death weighing heavy on my mind. Not that she is near death (not that i know of) but that at her age, at any time, the possibility exists.
I face that issue with myself. I never know if i will have a tomorrow...so i try, as i might, to make the best of today.
Mother doesn't feel the same. She is full of woe-is-me sentiments and can be nasty and snippy with the nurses. I used to know my mother to hold her tongue, now she lets it all out. Where did that come from. I cringe when i hear the way she speaks to some of the staff, or about them to me or other staff. When did she become this nasty, bitter woman. I am saddened by it and right now i have such a heavy heart.
I am getting through my treatments relatively unscathed. Of course there is the usual sickness and overwhelming tiredness to deal with but i am dealing with it. I sleep a lot, i can't help that...but i often feel sad and sometimes guilty because it robs me of time with Tim. I do enjoy sleeping and i know its what helps my body heal but i want to be awake to enjoy my moments with him.
Today a parcel arrived in the mail. I thought it was some new cordless phones i'd ordered. It wasn't...it was from Tim. My Christmas parcel. We were late in sending to each other because we had hoped we could celebrate in person...but we finally decided to send them. Inside i found one of my favourite perfumes right now...Glow by JLo. I get more compliments on it when i wear it. Of course i can't wear it very often...especially when mother is around because it bothers her lungs...but i have already sprayed some on myself...and i feel pretty and girlie...not something i'm used to anymore.
Also inside was a lovely, heavy silver chain (i prefer silver to gold anyday and my engagement ring is white gold) . Just so pretty and sparkly. With that, another chain with a lovely cross. I will cherish that ...it is my first ever, made all the more special because he gave it to me. There was a book by John Grisham, who i've always enjoyed reading...and i thought it was so thoughtful of him because i've really been trying my hardest to read again. It takes some work but i've read two books lately. Another thing he sent was a DVD game of Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I tape that show daily for my mother and i to watch on the weekend...and i can't wait to try my hand at the game on my computer...wish me luck.
Hmmm, let's see...what else was there...oh yeah...my favourite...a baseball cap. A University of Kentucky Wildcats hat. I love it and will wear it often. Enclosed too was a stocking full of candies, something called Now and Laters (i think thats what they're called) which he sent me before and i gobbled them up...ooooh and some Lifesavers and last back not least...a real treat for me since we do not have them here in Canada...White chocolate Reese's peanut butter cups. Mmmmm...yummy! I haven't had one yet but i will soon. Isn't he lovely for sending me all of these things.
Well...i should go lay down. I am not feeling well. Not sure if i'll get over to see mom today because of it...but we'll see. I might feel better when i've had a nap...the only thing is...my doctor is concerned since my mother is in isolation and you have to wear latex gloves and a gown to see her...he wants me to find out why because i can't remember right now. So it might be better if i don't go today until i know, especially since i don't feel well....but oh the guilt for staying home.
Dear Big Kid,
1 week ago