Wednesday, December 8, 2010

A reappearance: A new beginning

Where has the time gone and where have i been. I disappeared.Dropped out of sight. Things got to be too much for me and i exited the building, i checked out.

I make no excuses and i am sure all of my fellow bloggers who loyally stopped by to read my writings have given up the notion that i'd ever reappear...well here i am.

I can't tell you how often i thought of returning, yearned for the outlet that this blog gave me, to talk about, in my own words, on my own terms..where no one judged me. But troubles with my memory and mother issues, deaths in the family...things kept piling up..and i dismissed the urges.

On occasion i tried to return only to discover i could not remember my log in information. Of course there would have been a way to retrieve it but i just used it as another excuse not to return.

In the last few months i have been through a roller coaster ride of emotions on several different issues.

As to my health, on May 12th 2010 i was told i was finally, after a twelve year battle..that there was no sign of a tumour. I was elated and thought it was a magical time for me. I expected certain things to happen...and when they didn't i believe i sank into depression. Cancer had been defining me for so long, what would i do now.

For the people around me, it was as if it was just another day. There was no celebration or marking of the occasion in any sort of fashion. It was just if it were nothing. I sunk deeper. I had battled and fought and as always it was my battle, fought and then won. Finally.

I had hoped i'd go right away to go live with Tim. That has not happened. Lots of reasons why, the main reason being finances. After a lengthy search, Tim was able to land a job in the health insurance field...but the pay is not what he'd been making at his previous job..he was having to commute to work in a different state and he was struggling. Still is.

We are still together, very much in love but situationally we are apart and i don't know how or when that will change.

Five weeks ago my cancer returned. I'd been experiencing extremely painful headaches. When i went for scans, sure enough there was a tumour and swelling. On steroids to help reduce swelling, i began chemo.

So who knows where this is really just the beginning.

The beginning of treatment, again. The return to my blog, the one i so cherished no readers..but a sense of, this is where i belong. Here...typing in the wee hours of the morning, letting it all hang out. Okay so it will be for no one but me...because i left without word...and returned just as quietly.

I want to apologize to each and every one of you readers. I know you won't be reading this but i want to put it out the universe...that i am so sorry i walked away without word of how i was or what happened. It was terribly wrong of me and i am sorry.

I have links to some blogs, i'm hoping to stop by and see some of you, if you are still there. I hope you are...but if you aren't...i may read some of your posts, just for old times sake.

And if someone ...anyone is reading this. Thank you for taking the time. I hope you'll come back. I know i will.

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