Wednesday, September 19, 2012

I meant to be back sooner but the computer gods are conspiring against me. The computer i had been using began acting up a couple of weeks ago and got progressively worse. I finally couldn't take it any more and called a friend who agreed to take it home with him and look at it.

It just so happens that i had an older computer tucked away in my closet. I don't know why i saved it but i did and it has come in handy. My friend set it up for me and i've been using since he took away my newest computer on Monday.

I haven't heard from my friend since Wednesday, when he texted me to say he'd be looking at it that night. In the meantime, this computer that I'm on right now is really starting to drive me crazy (not far to go) keeps locking up, etc. I am determined to make due with this until said friend repairs the other one, assuming he can within my budget.

So this week was just another week. Treatment, yes. Caring for mother, yes. Well you get the idea, just a week like any other...except its right before Christmas and i have done zero shopping. I am not usually a last minute person. By now i've bought most things for whomever i'm buying for...but this year has been different and money is scarce. I stretch it as best i can but it's just never enough. I am on a fixed income and so i don't have a lot of extra money.

This year, my sister, mother and i decided we would not be exchanging gifts. Something i can accept, we've all had a tough year for one reason or another...but originally we were still going to do each others stockings. Three weeks ago or so, my sister decided we wouldn't do that either. Fine with me, i said. I am an adult after all...and besides i didn't the money. It seemed to take the pressure off.

What i'm really having a hard time dealing with though...are the moods people are in around this place. Clearly, no one here is in a 'Christmas mood'...and for some reason it is really getting me down.

Of course i can live without gifts, there is nothing i need and i can't think of anything i really want...except to be with Tim.

Something changed a few months ago though. Something huge for me.

I have been estranged from my son, my only child...for 10 years. A few months ago i searched for him on Facebook and alas, i found him. At first i didn't know what to do...torn between reaching out to him or not. I was scared you see. Scared he would reject me again.

We were estranged for reasons i don't totally understand myself. I'd been going through a hard time after being raped. I was suicidal and spent some time on a psychiatric ward. He was having a hard time dealing with all of it. One day i sent him an email and he wrote back, saying all sorts of painful things. The jist of it was that i was a terrible mother and he wanted nothing to do with me ever again.

My then therapist told me i needed to respect his wishes...and that in time he would 'come back to me'. I heard that so often over the years, from various people whenever i opened up about my greatest pain...being separated from him...and i never believed it. So, as the time passed, i grew more and more afraid of reaching out to him. I tried in small ways but out of cowardice, it was never anything concrete...until this day when i located him on Facebook.

I finally found the courage to write him a brief letter there. I didn't want to

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