A quick word

I apologize profusely for those of you who have been wondering and worrying about me.



We recently had a death in the family that hit very close to home, it was a cancer related death and it really has me down.



So i am okay but not doing well emotionally at this time. I just don't feel i have anything worthwhile to say. I am beginning my treatment on Monday so have to hunker down while that gets underway and i'm really not feeling like i can face it this time. I'm tired all of the time and struggling....i hope you understand.



I will be back soon. Thank you so much for thinking about me, i truly do appreciate it.



Bye for now.

Water on ice and blogging...

Late Saturday night and i am bored and lonely. Tim was tired and went to bed for a nap earlier...i miss him but hate to call and wake him...instead i am waiting for him to wake up and call me. So i am sitting here with my ever-present glass of ice water, blogging...i've missed sharing my thoughts...so it's nice to get back into the swing of things.

I had a rather lazy day today, mostly watching tv. I have got to tell you, in such a short period of time i am really enjoying this digital tv stuff, especially GSN ..the Game Show Network. If you are a fan of game shows as my mother and i are, you'll love it too. We've watched it almost all day today. It's fun because it's interactive...and sort of keeps you thinking. There are quite a few games shows on there that i've heard of but even more that i haven't. Perhaps they are original shows made just for the channel, i don't know but what fun it is.

Tim makes fun of me...for paying all this money for the extra channels and only watching the one...but seriously, i do flip around the channels and even the guide to see what else is on. I am slowly trying to get used to the sheer number of channels and trying to remember them somehow. Keep in mind i am working with a diseased brain...but i really think i am doing pretty well. Late at night when mother is asleep i play around, seeing how high up the channels go, trying to get more familiar with the remote itself...which is hard to do in the dark i tell you....but as i said, i am getting there.

It is a long weekend here. It's the Victoria Day weekend, in honour of Queen Victoria's birthday. It is also the unofficial start of summer here. Lots of people off camping i'm sure...and even more up at their cottages, opening them for the season. My sister Linda and her husband Dan headed north to their cottage to do that. I hope she doesn't work too hard, she's having lots of health issues too and i worry about her, she's a hard worker and is always on the go.

We're having a quiet weekend here. For the most part, quiet and lazy. Well, i did the all the loads of laundry on Friday morning so i could take it easy. Sue has spent last night and this morning cleaning but she is also resting the rest of the weekend. Sunday i'll go get some groceries. We don't need tons but of course that never stops me from getting tons. Seriously though, i am trying to cut down on that and so trying to go weekly, usually on Fridays, rather than going a couple of times a week or whatever. We need to cut back here and i'll do my best to help out in that area.

Well...on Friday too, my nephew came home. So much for him being gone for the summer. I can't tell you how much more i enjoy this place when he isn't here. It just feels more like home than when this adult male with a severe attitude problem walks around here like he owns the place, making messes that he doesn't always clean up, monopolizing the bathroom and his crude jokes which i can do without. I am not a prude but the jokes he often tells are just plain terrible. I know he thinks he is funny or clever or both but i find him rude. He calls me, his mother and my mother, his grandmother..whores and b******...and those are the nice names. He is a smart alec with a chip on his shoulder who thinks the world (and us) owe him. Can you tell i've had enough of him. There is a long story behind all of my feelings on this subject but mainly i just think it's about time he left the nest and flew on his own...but it will never happen, he'll never grow up and you know what...i think my sister likes it that way. For some reason unbeknownst to me, she likes having him around. I just see him as another mouth to feed, more laundry to wash...who doesn't contribute to the household...financially or otherwise. Ugh. Okay enough about that.

A couple of weeks ago i bought a file cabinet. I was able to purchase it online from Staples. I purchased a bunch of things from there but i also splurged on a printer/scanner/fax machine. I haven't scanned or faxed yet. I will rarely have call to fax but it's nice to have...but the printer i will get good use of. I am going to put together a cook book of a bunch of online recipes i've found. I'll get started on that this week i think...i'm looking forward to it. ps...i think i might have mentioned all of this before, if i have, forgive me...i have trouble remembering all that i talk about here sometimes...so bear with me, please.

I finally called my doctor's office on Friday to find out why i hadn't heard anything about scheduling for my tests...turns out the nurse in charge of that is on holidays and will be back in the office on Tuesday...so i'll call back then. I feel bad for sort of chasing after them...but i'm anxious to know everything and find out where we go from here. I hope it's some good news...i'm really in need of some good news.

Thankful and waiting...

The cable guy has just been. Here was here all of two minutes. All he had to do was put a new end on the cable...i asked him a couple of questions but he wasn't very helpful...he told me to call the office. I was trying to avoid that and was hoping he could answer them. Oh well...i will give them a call later. In the meantime i have three huge boxes here that the tuners came in and i'm wondering if i am expected to keep them should we ever want to return them.

One of the tuners is already disconnected. This is because my friend Rich, who hooked them up for me, informed me and my sister that she would not be able to record on any other channel except the one she was watching. When she heard that she asked him to disconnect it and put it back the way it was. So i have a tuner here that i think i have to return unless i find out if it's not true. Does anyone know? My sister records quite a bit on her VCR but doesn't want to pay the extra money for a DVR so this is the reason i'll have to call them later.

I am so tired today ...i didn't get much sleep last night and i woke up with a terrible headache. I've taken something for it and waiting and hoping it will help..in the meantime i can't do much of anything because i am waiting for a delivery and i can't vacuum or do a load of laundry in case i miss it...it really irks me to miss a delivery when i am home...so here i sit.

I haven't heard from my doctors office with my test schedule, i imagine they will call soon...at this point i welcome the break from things but i'm also anxious to know what the next steps will be. For the most part i feel good, except the painful headaches and occasional bouts of nausea...but i am still here, alive and i am very thankful for that!

An early morning blog

Mother has been home close to a week and is settling in nicely. It's taking me some time to get back into the swing of things...but i'll get there.

Seems the phone never stops ringing these days, which is unusual considering my nephew isn't home. He is working out of town for a while, possibly until the end of the summer but i'll believe that when i see it. Yes i am very skeptical but that's because he doesn't hold a job very long. Thirty five years old and still living with his mother (and grandmother and aunt)...not exactly a woman's dream come true...not by a long shot.

I finished this round of treatment last Friday. So happy...but now awaiting appointments to go in and have the usual tests and scans to see where we go next. I tolerated this round very well....and hope the next round goes as well.

I have been having some severe headaches lately though. Sometimes it is just stress though. I can tell because when i have a stress headache my neck and shoulders get very tight and hurt so much. I have muscle relaxers but they don't always help. I do worry about the severity of the headaches i've been having. Will talk to my doctor next time i see him.

We had a nice Mother's day here. My sister and i had a chance to go to the mall together before she came home from the hospital and we bought her some nice things. Then i sent my sister back the Saturday prior to the day...to get a couple of other things too. Decided to spoil her a bit since she'd been so sick but also because we missed her birthday with her being in hospital at the time. For dinner, we had prime rib with all the trimmings, including Yorkshire pudding. It was delicious and practically melted in your mouth.

Last week i finally decided to order digital cable. Today the tuners arrived and so i asked my friend Rich to stop by and install them for me. What a hassle that became. I ordered three...two regular ones and one DVR for my bedroom, so that i can record on it. In the end my sister decided she didn't want one in the living room where she normally sleeps. What a pain for Rich to hook everything up then have to undo it. Mind you he didn't mind but it was all stressing me out. I also wanted a new all-in-one printer installed on my computer but it turned out i didn't have the correct cable for it. I ordered that online and it should be here in a day or two. I'm excited. I've never had a printer/fax/scanner before and i can't wait to put it to use. Rich will come back when the cord arrives...i can hardly wait.

So here it is 5am and i am still awake. I've had a severe headache tonight and while i did try to nap last night, i only slept for about an hour then woke up. In too much pain to sleep. I spent some time with Tim online. We played some Yatzee and chatted, then we shopped a bit. I ordered some more things from Staples.ca and then he was tired and went to bed. I've been bored and lonely since...but i had a nice, long hot bath and just got out a little while ago. I'm flipping the channels on the cable box and enjoying some new tv viewing...it should be fun with more to choose from.

Well it's been so long...i'm headed for your blogs to catch up with you.

Coming home tomorrow

I can't believe it's been so long since i was last here, i'm sorry. Time has just flown by. I got back to my treatments finally and this week is the last for this round. I am both relieved but tentatively so because i don't know what's next yet....more, no doubt. Can i face it...yes but i wish i didn't have to...just want to go to Tim and get on with our life together.

Mother is finally coming home tomorrow after quite a lengthy hospital stay. She went in the day before her birthday, March 31. She is not wanting to come home. She is still weak and unable to walk without assistance but they feel she is ready so that is all that matters.

I think it will do her good to come home but i will miss all the alone time i've been having with Tim...am i terrible or what. Well...i guess i'm not...i can't help wanting to be with the man i love.

I had really hoped that mother would have gone into permanent care after this whole thing but she keeps telling social workers, etc...that her daughter (me) will look after her. So be it...it's fine with me until i am well enough to go be with Tim...then other arrangements will have to be made for her.

It is my off day of treatment today, so i'm just relaxing, waiting for Tim to come home and puttering around. Going to go do a bit of shopping tonight...mother's day is fast approaching.

Is anyone still out there?

ps....Cheryl..sorry for worrying you, i'll do better at keeping in touch once mother is home and settled.

A visit with my mother...

I am tired but i cannot sleep. I tried.

I had my treatment for the week. Came home exhausted. Went to bed. I woke, sick...but felt a bit better after a while. I took a nice warm shower, then spent some much needed time with Tim. Not long enough though...but i had to get ready to go see mother. It was my day today. My sister and i have been trying to take turns going, to give each other a bit of a break. Sue saw mother yesterday and mother asked where i was. Sue told her i was at home resting and mother told her to tell me to get my rear end in to see her. So i went today.

I strolled up to the fourth floor, cardiology ward where she has been for the past three and a bit weeks..only to find a gentleman asleep in the bed where i usually see her. I went straight to the nurses station only to be told she'd been moved to the geriatric ward. They directed me where to go and off i went. By the time i reached mothers room, i was so tired, sweaty and feeling so ill. I did my best to be good company for her but in fact i wasn't. I didn't feel up to being there but i was pressured to be...i really just wanted to be home, in my bed.

Mother was upset that she'd been moved. She says she was drugged and moved without being told. I tried to explain that it was bound to happen and we're just lucky that she'd had the room all to her self all that time. Now she has a roommate and she is none too pleased. Mother doesn't like strangers, she prefers to be alone. I'm hoping a bit of company will cheer her up a bit ... but knowing her, it will not.

She says the nurses are meanies too...but mother has an acid tongue...and so i'm not sure how much of that to believe. I'm sure there are some instances where they might be. I have seen mother sit in soiled diapers, waiting to be changed...or waiting and waiting for medication...and no amount of gentle prodding by me or not so gentle by mother or my sister helps. They just get to them when they get to them. I suppose there is an argument to be made for nursing shortages and budget cuts but all of that is hard to think about when you have a loved one laying in a hospital bed. You want them cared for, period.

My sister came with me for groceries after i visited mother. We stopped in at Blockbuster and rented four movies. One of them was called The Savages. I hadn't realized what the subject of the movie was, i just knew i wanted to see it. As it happens, it's hitting really close to home. It's about two siblings dealing with the care of their elderly father, who has dementia and has to be placed into a nursing facility. It's had some funny point but also some really sad ones. We got tired and stopped watching it an hour and a half into it...so we'll finish it tomorrow.

After we stopped it, i called Tim, then went to sleep. I only slept for about an hour, if that. So many thoughts running through my head. When i woke, i tried to call Tim but i guess he is fast asleep. I'm hoping he'll wake up and call me.

Well i guess i will take myself back to bed and see if i can get some more sleep. I want to get as much rest as possible this weekend, i've been so very tired and it's been a very rough week.

Hope you all are well...thank you for your continued support, it means the world to me.

An update

Gosh, it's been since forever since i last posted and read your blogs. I apologize for that. I apologize too for worrying those of you that did...I haven't forgotten about my blog but mother is still in hospital and lots has been going on.



There is talk about her getting out of hospital the first of this week...but mother doesn't feel ready to come home...and i'm not convinced she is either.



For one thing, she can't get out of bed on her own. She requires help to just move around in bed, she's that weak. Secondly, she is still being kept in diapers, i assume because she cannot get up on her own...and i don't think i'm up for the job of changing her diapers. I suppose that makes me horrible on some or many levels but it just seems to be where i draw the line.



On Thursday of this past week, we had a family meeting with the doctor, social worker and occupational therapist. Basically they feel they've done all they can for her...and feel she is ready to come home. My sister expressed the concerns i mentioned above and they decided to keep her in a little while longer, to hopefully help to build up her strength but i haven't seen that happen. Each day she is helped out of bed and into a chair to sit for a while but she can't do it for very long. So anyway....she may be on her way home after being in there 3 weeks tomorrow. They are sending her home with a walker, a commode chair (because of my nephews constant use of the bathroom...but that's a whole other issue) and a gel pad for the bed because she has bed sores.

Monday i finally resumed my treatment...and this morning i am paying frequent visits to the bathroom, so sick. Today is a day off so i hope to rest and be with Tim and also get over to see mother.

I hope you don't mind this quick post, i just wanted to post something. I'll be back more often once mother is home and settled and we get back into the swim of things.

I hope you all are well.

Mom

No treatment for the rest of this week...hope to resume next week. Numbers are bad. Just what i need.

Had some news regarding mother. She has had an aneurysm in her stomach for many years and other than the threat of it, she has been problem free... but now it has grown considerably in size and is pressing on her liver, which is what is causing her diarrhea and vomiting and lack of appetite. Apparently the risk is greater of it bursting now that it is touching her organs. The doctor referred to mother as 'a ticking time bomb'. She is losing weight, is quite weak and is so uncomfortable in the hospital bed. They've put her on a pureed diet, along with giving her Ensure...i hope she'll tolerate it better and gain some weight back...and more importantly, get stronger and feel better.

So it's been an upsetting couple of days. Will post more soon. Thank you all for your kind words of support.