A quick word

It was a long weekend here...it ended up being a nice, relaxing weekend. Monday i started my treatment with Temodar. So far it has made me quite sick. I will take it for five days then be off of it for the next 23 days, then start another cycle.

Mother has been in a better mood bordering on good the last few days. One day i went for groceries, i can't remember what day right now...and another day i did some shopping at Walmart. Their paper products are much cheaper than they are at the grocery store where i shop...i'm sure i've mentioned that before. It was hot here on the weekend but today it is pouring rain. Everything is so green, it's nice.

I am in pain and sick...so i think i'll go lay down. I've put dinner on and now my sister will keep an eye on it and will call me when it's done so i can serve mother hers. I don't know why but my sister really doesn't like to do that....it's ok though, i don't mind so much...i just hope i don't fall asleep.

I've been watching Wipeout on Tuesdays, it's a bit of fun...so that's on tonight as is the Japanese game show one...the name of that escappes me. Big Brother is on tonight too..i hope i can stay awake...i think i'll dvr it, just in case.

I hope you are enjoying your Tuesday...see you at your blogs soon.

Jamie

It just hurts

I am just out of a nice, warm bath. I enjoy a nice soak late at night...and now was when i had the energy to do it. I feel nice and clean and womanly but sad....here's why.

Thursday was not a very good day on the homefront. It really started on Wednesday.

Mother hadn't been feeling well that day and was sitting on the commode chair, throwing up. She asked me to hold the little bucket that she was being sick in. I couldn't, i just couldn't. I'd have been sick too...i don't know why but i get squeamish about that stuff. Things haven't been the same since. She told me i am cruel. She called me all sorts of names that i will not repeat, mostly because they came from a foul mouth. She also told me next time the phone rang and it was Tim, that she would answer it (she NEVER answers the phone) and tell him how horrible i am, etc. She went on and on. It really gets to me, the things my mother says about me. Not taking into account that i am ill and still care for her as best i can...but that i am her 'daughter' and she still says such mean and cruel things to me.

I let it get to me. I feel down and depressed. I mean if your own mother thinks and says such things, what must others think...what does Tim think. Her words niggle away at me...i try to stop them. I have tried all my life to fight her words...but i am weak and they sink in and i sink further and further inside myself.

That was Wednesday. Thursday wasn't much better. The barrage of nastiness continued and try as i might to put on a brave face, to show her her meaness wasn't affecting me...it was.

The thing is...i find it hard to talk about with Tim. I feel ashamed that my 'mother' would say such things and in the vernacular that she uses (mostly curse words). She calls me a goody-goody because i feel like a lady shouldn't swear. I am not perfect and i have uttered them...in fact i did today and it only made me feel worse, that i sunk to her level...but she gets to me...and i let her.

It's tearing me apart. I am crying as i type this. I can't stop the tears, she hurts me, she always has and here i am for her. Am i a fool.

In other news, i saw my doctor on Wednesday morning. My iron levels are low, which may well be part of the reason why i sleep so much lately. The good news is that my tumor is slow-growing and so he has decided to treat me at home, with temodar. Five days on it and then 23 off. I am happy. To be able to be in the comfort of home will be good...i think.

Tuesday evening

It is 11.33pm on this Tuesday night. I just tidied up my room and i am waiting to bathe my mother. She often wants to bathe at odd hours, which doesn't bother me too much because i often feel better later in the day and into the wee hours.

We have the air on but yet i feel warm...i believe i have a temperature but typing that has reminded me yet again that i keep forgetting to pick up a thermometer. I will try to remember to do that tomorrow when i am out. I have to see my doctor in the morning, to see how i am doing and to have labs done, including a urine sample. It is supposed to rain tomorrow and for the next few days. I won't mind going out in the rain, in fact i kind of enjoy it.

Had a fun evening of watching tv with my sister and mom and frequent phone calls to Tim during Big Brother. The people on that show drive me insane but since it seems no one watches, i won't go on about it. One of the shows we watched was Celebrity Family Feud...which pits celebrities and their families against each other. We enjoyed it but i wonder if it is just a summertime show. It is hosted by Al Roker, who is entertaining in his own way but i do like when John O'Hurley hosts...for those of you who don't know him by name, he played Mr Peterman on Seinfeld. He is a fun host.

I know quite a few of you are gardeners...what are you growing? Do any of you have vegetables? I wish i could grow things like peppers and cucumbers and even eggplants. I do so love eggplants. Have you ever breaded eggplant and eaten it on a sandwich, yummy. I'll have to pick up a couple and make loads because it freezes really well...and is also yummy to have as a meat replacement with spaghetti...eggplant parmigiana, yum!

Well mother is ready for her bath now so i'll post this and post again tomorrow. Been to most of your blogs...though i found two or was it three that had been taken down. I'm sorry i missed out on why...or if they've gone somewhere else. Let me know if you are reading this.

Jamie

Sunshining Tuesday

It feels like it's going to be another hot one here in Southern Ontario today. I was just out on our balcony, checking in on our plants, including our tomato plants...and the sun is hot. The tomato plants aren't doing well. We did plant them late and they are pretty big but we have no flowers on them, so no tomatoes. We have been feeding and watering them...and when i say 'we' i mean my sister has...the balcony is the smoking area for my sister and her son. I rarely go out there for that reason. I'm a fussy non-smoker and really don't like the smells associated with it...but this morning i snuck out there.

I woke up early this morning. I am not on treatment right now due to an infection...so my days are my own. It is nice to wake up and not have somewhere to go. I'm a real lazy person in that way...but today, as i said, i am awake early. I went to bed early last night because i wasn't feeling well. The sleep did me a world of good but i do have the headache still. I just did some dishes from last nights snacks...got some fresh water and ice for both mother and i and have settled down in front of my new computer to type this.

Yes, last week i splurged and got a new computer. I won't bore you with any of it except to say i am happy with it and it came with a tv tuner which will allow me to watch any tv shows that my mother isn't interested in. I could also watch with Tim when we are together online, which could be fun. We are both fans of Big Brother and various other tv shows.

Speaking of tv shows, for any of you dog lovers out there, have you been watching America's Greatest Dog? It's on CBS on Wednesdat at 8pm and i highly recommend it, it's a lot of fun and is like Big Brother for dogs. The one man that i really liked was voted off last week and i missed the episode so i didn't get to see it. I'll be watching this week though.

Are all of you busy with summertime stuff and not watching tv? I have a feeling that you all are busy...what has been keeping you busy?

Well i am finally off to read your blogs, see you there.

Jamie

Here i am again

I am really feeling like my old self again these days. The shock and sadness over losing my aunt and the impact of all of that has lessened but only just. It is not that we were terribly close, i'm sad to say...but i did feel her loss. As a child, my family and hers were often together and i guess i've been mourning her and thinking about those days. Such is life.

Tim has been wonderful throughout...being loving and caring and spending as much time as possible together. What a wonderful man he is. We've been playing together online still...our latest games of choice, chess and canasta. Thank goodness for Pogo...we spend countless hours there, playing and talking voice....sometimes talking up a storm and other times one or the other or sometimes both of us are quiet...but it's okay because we are together.

He has been puppysitting for his brother's dog the last little while and it has been so neat to hear him interact with her. Her is Millie and he sent me some photos of her, i forget what kind of dog she is (sorry, my memory is being affected as of late, darn tumor) ...she is darling but a bit of a handful apparently. She is also a bed hog and poor Tim hasn't been getting a lot of sleep. Today she went home, so maybe he'll take a nap when i do.

On Monday i started a new schedule for my chemo....and today i went in for treatment only to be told i couldn't have it, due to an infection of my bladder, as it turns out. I'd been sick yesterday, could barely get out of bed...well, quite honestly i didn't get out of bed much at all yesterday. I slept and slept. To say i was tired is an understatement, i was just plain exhausted...chemo just really has this way of taking it out of you. My appetite comes and goes...sometimes i barely eat and other times i can and do. I've noticed a difference in my memory and so has my doctor. They do some tests on me to test me as far as memory and recall, etc. He isn't surprised that i am struggling to come up with words. I've told him that i blog but have gotten away from it lately and why...he suggested i resume as it would be good for me to work my brain...so here i am. Please forgive me if i make mistakes with my words...if i use the wrong ones...or maybe even something might not make sense...we'll see what happens. I'll do my best not to let it show...wherever possible.

Well i am tried so i am going to lay down for a nap...i will write again soon...and soon i hope to stop by all of your blogs and check in with you, i've really missed reading you.

Jamie

Hello again

Time seems to be passing me by so quickly. I can hardly believe it is almost the middle of July already...the summer is flying by. Perhaps that is because i really haven't been out much. Not that i usually am...but i am in the throes of chemo and the thoughts of being out in the hot humid weather make me feel even worse. Instead i am hibernating in my air conditioned bedroom with my computer where i can spend time with Tim or in my bed watching, what else, the GSN (the Game Show Network, for those of you who are unfamiliar).

Most of Friday and Saturday i spent the days and nights in bed or in the bathroom, vomiting. Not pleasant to talk about, i'm sorry...but this is my reality right now. I haven't had much of an appeitite but right now i am craving something cold...i just don't know what.

Since i slept most of the day and evening i didn't get to spend much time with Tim. I miss him when i'm not with him, hearing his voice. We just finished playing some canasta and chess. We are each off to bed, i just thought i'd write a few words to keep up with all of you. Tomorrow i intend on popping by your blogs in the hopes of catching up with you...it's been so long. I am sorry about that but i know you understand and i thank you for that.

I think i'll grab a popsicle or two and head back to bed with a magazine...i hope you all are well.

Jamie

A quick word

I apologize profusely for those of you who have been wondering and worrying about me.



We recently had a death in the family that hit very close to home, it was a cancer related death and it really has me down.



So i am okay but not doing well emotionally at this time. I just don't feel i have anything worthwhile to say. I am beginning my treatment on Monday so have to hunker down while that gets underway and i'm really not feeling like i can face it this time. I'm tired all of the time and struggling....i hope you understand.



I will be back soon. Thank you so much for thinking about me, i truly do appreciate it.



Bye for now.

Water on ice and blogging...

Late Saturday night and i am bored and lonely. Tim was tired and went to bed for a nap earlier...i miss him but hate to call and wake him...instead i am waiting for him to wake up and call me. So i am sitting here with my ever-present glass of ice water, blogging...i've missed sharing my thoughts...so it's nice to get back into the swing of things.

I had a rather lazy day today, mostly watching tv. I have got to tell you, in such a short period of time i am really enjoying this digital tv stuff, especially GSN ..the Game Show Network. If you are a fan of game shows as my mother and i are, you'll love it too. We've watched it almost all day today. It's fun because it's interactive...and sort of keeps you thinking. There are quite a few games shows on there that i've heard of but even more that i haven't. Perhaps they are original shows made just for the channel, i don't know but what fun it is.

Tim makes fun of me...for paying all this money for the extra channels and only watching the one...but seriously, i do flip around the channels and even the guide to see what else is on. I am slowly trying to get used to the sheer number of channels and trying to remember them somehow. Keep in mind i am working with a diseased brain...but i really think i am doing pretty well. Late at night when mother is asleep i play around, seeing how high up the channels go, trying to get more familiar with the remote itself...which is hard to do in the dark i tell you....but as i said, i am getting there.

It is a long weekend here. It's the Victoria Day weekend, in honour of Queen Victoria's birthday. It is also the unofficial start of summer here. Lots of people off camping i'm sure...and even more up at their cottages, opening them for the season. My sister Linda and her husband Dan headed north to their cottage to do that. I hope she doesn't work too hard, she's having lots of health issues too and i worry about her, she's a hard worker and is always on the go.

We're having a quiet weekend here. For the most part, quiet and lazy. Well, i did the all the loads of laundry on Friday morning so i could take it easy. Sue has spent last night and this morning cleaning but she is also resting the rest of the weekend. Sunday i'll go get some groceries. We don't need tons but of course that never stops me from getting tons. Seriously though, i am trying to cut down on that and so trying to go weekly, usually on Fridays, rather than going a couple of times a week or whatever. We need to cut back here and i'll do my best to help out in that area.

Well...on Friday too, my nephew came home. So much for him being gone for the summer. I can't tell you how much more i enjoy this place when he isn't here. It just feels more like home than when this adult male with a severe attitude problem walks around here like he owns the place, making messes that he doesn't always clean up, monopolizing the bathroom and his crude jokes which i can do without. I am not a prude but the jokes he often tells are just plain terrible. I know he thinks he is funny or clever or both but i find him rude. He calls me, his mother and my mother, his grandmother..whores and b******...and those are the nice names. He is a smart alec with a chip on his shoulder who thinks the world (and us) owe him. Can you tell i've had enough of him. There is a long story behind all of my feelings on this subject but mainly i just think it's about time he left the nest and flew on his own...but it will never happen, he'll never grow up and you know what...i think my sister likes it that way. For some reason unbeknownst to me, she likes having him around. I just see him as another mouth to feed, more laundry to wash...who doesn't contribute to the household...financially or otherwise. Ugh. Okay enough about that.

A couple of weeks ago i bought a file cabinet. I was able to purchase it online from Staples. I purchased a bunch of things from there but i also splurged on a printer/scanner/fax machine. I haven't scanned or faxed yet. I will rarely have call to fax but it's nice to have...but the printer i will get good use of. I am going to put together a cook book of a bunch of online recipes i've found. I'll get started on that this week i think...i'm looking forward to it. ps...i think i might have mentioned all of this before, if i have, forgive me...i have trouble remembering all that i talk about here sometimes...so bear with me, please.

I finally called my doctor's office on Friday to find out why i hadn't heard anything about scheduling for my tests...turns out the nurse in charge of that is on holidays and will be back in the office on Tuesday...so i'll call back then. I feel bad for sort of chasing after them...but i'm anxious to know everything and find out where we go from here. I hope it's some good news...i'm really in need of some good news.