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Having a rough day today...but what should I expect on treatment day.
Since having chemo this morning..I have been doing really nothing but sleeping. That and frequent trips to the bathroom. I am in pain but I can bear the pain if it means I am alive to keep fighting.
The main reason I wanted to post today, was to thank those of you that commented on my last post. It meant a lot to me that you responded.
I have decided not to say anything, unless he says something to me. Most likely he will not, so I will just leave it at that.
Well, I am going to get a glass of ice water and crawl back into bed. See you again soon.
It's been a little while again, since I last posted. I'm feeling like I need to talk, as it were...so here I go.
Yesterday my male friend was to come over to work on my computer..and stay for dinner. He was to be here at 4pm. At 5.30pm I hadn't heard from him and I sort of assumed he wasn't coming.
Twenty minutes later he calls and asks if I still want him to come. I say yes, of course...dinner is simmering and I needed some help. Plus, to be honest...I was looking forward to a bit of company. I keep to myself far too often. That and he really is my only friend and I rarely see him now...makes for some lonely times.
Anyway, he tells me he will be here in 30 minutes.
Twenty minutes or so passes and the buzzer goes. Ahh, he is here. I let him in and I open the door and there stands my friend and a woman. He introduces her (but I have forgotten her name) and I let them in.
I must say, I was sort of taken aback. I was not expecting anyone else, just him...but I tried to roll with it. After all, I'd made a big pot of spaghetti sauce and garlic bread and pasta...what's one more.
They came to my room, where my computer is and where I spend most of my time. Awkward because I had to invite her to sit on my bed...as he was going to need the computer chair to be working on the computer.
We made pleasantries as he worked...and every once in a while they made time for some canoodling. Okay...I get that..they're in love..or whatever. He works but isn't having much luck. Then she asks when supper will be ready. I asked if they were hungry, they both replied yes...so I went to turn the pasta water on to boil...and preheated the oven for the garlic bread.
As happens when you're waiting for it, water takes forever to boil. I am back and forth to the kitchen, trying to hurry things along...in between...I come back to my room to socialize when they can tear themselves apart.
She begins to ask me questions...probing, personal and sometimes downright hurtful questions. Some of which were...what is wrong with me, do I take a lot of medication, why is my percocet bottle so big...do I really need 240 of them...and one of the most painful questions...am I going to die.
I was dumbfounded. I have never been grilled like this before and I was extremely uncomfortable. I tried to give some answers while protecting my privacy. In the end I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore.
Was I being overly-sensitive or too closed off or was she out of line? I don't know. After they left I cried.
I don't know why exactly but I did.
I was so relieved when after dinner, they left. They needed to get home so didn't stay long after dinner.
Question is...should I say something to my friend about this...or just hold my tongue?
My head is hurting so much today..thinking is painful.
So here I sit, writing this..hoping it will make some sense, or none at all, who knows?
The day started out great. I woke up from a great sleep and felt good. It's been a beautiful day here, weather-wise. Just perfect. In fact I will it could be like this all summer long...sun shining brightly, but it is neither too hot nor humid at all.
I don't deal too well with those things, at all. Knowing that the weather will be turning that way has me anxious for the installation of our window unit air conditioners. My nephew is responsible for putting them in and there is really no telling when that will be. I just hope it's before we hit a really humid spell. Ugh.
In other news, regarding said headache..I slept this afternoon...just for a little bit and had the weirdest dream. It's one of those dreams where you wake up feeling unsettled. Well, I don't have a clue what it was about...but when I woke up I was totally out of it for about 10 minutes. I wonder if said headache caused the dream.
It has me wondering.
I forced myself to leave the house today. More and more I am letting myself become housebound...or in my case, apartment bound.
So yesterday, even though it was chemo day, I made an appointment at a nail salon and promised myself I would keep it.
You see, years ago I used to treat myself better. I don't smoke or drink...i eat...and like to get mani/pedis. Not a crime, right.
Well for a long while, by my mom and other family members, I was left feeling like I was wasting money. On some level too, I felt I was no longer 'worth' the cost. But what the heck..as I said, I have no vices..I don't go to movies, or to clubs..only thing I spend my money on, apart from my living expenses...is food. But don't get me started on that.
So off I went this morning, 8.30am for a 9am appointment. I am always nervous going to new places alone...and this was my first time at this salon...but as soon as I opened the door they welcomed me and the whole time I was there, there was a lot of laughter and pleasant conversation. And not just with the technicians, but with the other clients too. I really did enjoy myself..and I got a pedicure and a manicure to boot. Not bad, eh!
So..that was a fun, non-medically related appointment that I have had in a long time. I intend to go again too.
I need to stop being so hard on myself.
And so it begins.
Today is chemo day. As a result, at the moment I am not feeling very well. But in light of all that has taken place in Moore, Oklahoma, I shall try not to complain.
I read somewhere this morning, something that said...as I take my next breath, think about those that are taking their last.
That really struck a chord with me today. Still in disbelief that mom is truly gone. Sometimes when the phone rings, I wonder if it's her. Or I'll see something coming on TV that I just know she'd enjoy and I almost pick up the phone to call her.
She died March 08, 2013 and it still feels like it isn't real. How long does it take to adjust yourself to the loss. I don't know.
I was 6 years old when my father died, in 1969. He was only 36 years old when he passed away from complications due to having diabetes. It is so sad to me that I don't remember the man, half responsible for bringing me into this world. So young too..he had 4 children, a wife and seemingly his whole life ahead of him.
I may not be a thrill seeker, in light of my disease. I may not be searching for the meaning of life. To mean, life is to be lived. And so I try to take each day as it comes.
I try to really appreciate the little things in life, for they are what's so important to me now.
It is a beautiful day in my neighbourhood today and I'm too grouchy and headachey to fully enjoy it.
I had planned to grab the book I am trying to read and go sit out on the balcony to read..but it is so bright that I would need my sunglasses...problem is a I need my glasses to read. I think the bright sun would not have helped my headache situation, so I decided to stay indoors...laze on my bed and read.
The book I am reading has really grabbed me. It is called Death's Shadow by Jon Wells. It is about true tales of homicide in my city. So far I'd say well worth the read, particularly if you are interested in local cases from the Hamilton, ON area.
My sister is going to a church function after work, so I do not have to cook dinner. My nephew suggested we make a shepherd's pie for dinner. It's one of those frozen deals. Quick and easy, my favourite. Sounds like a plan I say.
I have a couple of loads of laundry to do today but I'm just not in the mood right now. Hoping that will change later as I'd really like to get it done today.
For now, I think I will go laze about on my bed some more and read that book I've been telling you about.
I had a good night's sleep last night but boy did I wake up with one heck of a headache. Feeling like I just want to stay in bed but must fight the urge.
Had great medical news yesterday. Labs and scans were good so we are set for another round of chemo. I was so relieved when I got home yesterday, that I passed out and slept for a couple of hours.
So next Wednesday, it's on like Donkey Kong!
Going to take something for my headache and lay down, watch some TV and hopefully doze off for a bit. With any luck, I'll feel a bit better when I wake up.
The day was a sad one for me but I got through it. My honey Tim cheered me up and is so patient when I cry. I love him for that.
The sun poked it's head out here and there today...which was just like my mood. Sometimes grey, sometimes not.
Two things are certain. I thought a lot about my mom and my son Brad today and I miss them both, terribly.
And so life goes on...I'll continue to wipe away the tears and smile through them as Tim makes me laugh.
I'll watch the Toronto Maple Leafs hopefully win game six against the Boston Bruins tonight...and I'll listen to my favourite radio show on www.blogtalkradio.com called I'm With Stupid. If you have a chance, listen to these two amazingingly funny men. With their help today too, I am laughing through my tears.
