Grace, too

Thrilled beyond belief...and then some

2010-12-08T13:38:00.002-05:00

I am home from my treatment and after changing into comfortable clothes and making mothers lunch, i couldn't wait to sit down at my computer to write...how i have missed this.

Not only am i happy to be writing again, i am thrilled that a few comments have been left...and i have to tell you i am touched. For those of you who discovered i had resurfaced and returned to read me, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

For those of you new to my blog, welcome...it's just a humble little blog. I am not a professional writer, i didn't go to college so i know not how to write...and i'm sure my grammar leaves a lot to be desired...but this is a place i love and i'm so happy i have returned.

I visited a couple of blogs last night but the hour was late and my eyes weary so trying to read was a lesson in futility. I will do that over time in an attempt to catch up with each of you.

I'm having some memory issues still and i have forgotten how to allow comments to be published or even if they have been, i really need to take a breath and settle in...look around a bit and find my bearings...which i will do.

For now though, i will post this and sign off. I am not feeling well and need my bed. For those of you on Twitter i am there too...my user name there is WillbyJanet, please feel free to add me.*Jay i have already found you and added you* I have been using Twitter for quite some time and i love it because with my blackberry i can tweet from bed...so like i said, if you're there, please add me.

I truly look forward to getting reacquainted with my loyal followers...and new ones as you come.

A reappearance: A new beginning

2010-12-08T02:22:00.003-05:00

Where has the time gone and where have i been. I disappeared.Dropped out of sight. Things got to be too much for me and i exited the building, i checked out.

I make no excuses and i am sure all of my fellow bloggers who loyally stopped by to read my writings have given up the notion that i'd ever reappear...well here i am.

I can't tell you how often i thought of returning, yearned for the outlet that this blog gave me, to talk about, in my own words, on my own terms..where no one judged me. But troubles with my memory and mother issues, deaths in the family...things kept piling up..and i dismissed the urges.

On occasion i tried to return only to discover i could not remember my log in information. Of course there would have been a way to retrieve it but i just used it as another excuse not to return.

In the last few months i have been through a roller coaster ride of emotions on several different issues.

As to my health, on May 12th 2010 i was told i was finally, after a twelve year battle..that there was no sign of a tumour. I was elated and thought it was a magical time for me. I expected certain things to happen...and when they didn't i believe i sank into depression. Cancer had been defining me for so long, what would i do now.

For the people around me, it was as if it was just another day. There was no celebration or marking of the occasion in any sort of fashion. It was just accepted...as if it were nothing. I sunk deeper. I had battled and fought and as always it was my battle, fought and then won. Finally.

I had hoped i'd go right away to go live with Tim. That has not happened. Lots of reasons why, the main reason being finances. After a lengthy search, Tim was able to land a job in the health insurance field...but the pay is not what he'd been making at his previous job..he was having to commute to work in a different state and he was struggling. Still is.

We are still together, very much in love but situationally we are apart and i don't know how or when that will change.

Five weeks ago my cancer returned. I'd been experiencing extremely painful headaches. When i went for scans, sure enough there was a tumour and swelling. On steroids to help reduce swelling, i began chemo.

So who knows where this ends...it is really just the beginning.

The beginning of treatment, again. The return to my blog, the one i so cherished ...to no readers..but a sense of, this is where i belong. Here...typing in the wee hours of the morning, letting it all hang out. Okay so it will be for no one but me...because i left without word...and returned just as quietly.

I want to apologize to each and every one of you readers. I know you won't be reading this but i want to put it out there...in the universe...that i am so sorry i walked away without word of how i was or what happened. It was terribly wrong of me and i am sorry.

I have links to some blogs, i'm hoping to stop by and see some of you, if you are still there. I hope you are...but if you aren't...i may read some of your posts, just for old times sake.

And if someone ...anyone is reading this. Thank you for taking the time. I hope you'll come back. I know i will.

Where are my mittens?

2009-01-07T06:14:00.003-05:00

Brrrr, it's cold this morning as i sit here, typing...but you know the deal, it's Canada, it's winter and my bedroom window is open (just a tad) as per mother's insistence. But i'm cold and my finger tips are freezing...but i feel alive. I think that's why i love winter so...it's a season more than any other that makes me feel alive.

I am awake at this hour...well still awake because i haven't been able to sleep. I have things on my mind and it is racing around in my brain. I won't talk about it now...it's not a huge deal, just not ready to talk about it.

On a very positive note....my doctors appointment went splendidly and all is well for me to have my treatment on Monday. I've been tolerating it very well, i am very proud of myself. I feel healthier than i have felt in years. Next month will be my last month...and then who knows what. It will be my birthday next month too...and i think to myself, what if...but i feel like i can't say 'it' out loud for fear of jinxing myself. Is that silly ...i don't know but that's where i'm at.

Soon i'll have to put a bit of makeup on...fix my hair and brush my teeth to head out to my dentist appointment. I am not exactly sure what they'll be doing today but i somehow don't fear anything. I feel comfortable going there in a way i never thought i would. It's a pleasant atmosphere, the dentist i've been seeing is nice...personable...they hygenist i saw last time was also nice...and funny, joking around a lot, which put me at ease. I am so glad my sister suggested i go there. She started going there a year or so ago...and after a long time of my doctor and oncologist telling me to look after my teeth, i finally am. Yay for me. I've gotten brave in my old age in ways i've never expected.

I think that has come from this long battle with cancer. That and just dealing with life in general. Some of us, i think, are born brave...me...i had to grow into it. I had to fight through the battles all along the way and each time i gained a bit more strength...i'm not saying i'm a hero. I'm not. Heroes are the children battling this disease...i'm just doing what i have to do...and doing it the best way i can.

I had to laugh there...there was me trying to wax philosophical...and that's just not me, i'm not that deep. I wish i was. I have a big heart and i love like crazy but i'm not deep nor philosophical...i'm just me...sitting here in my nighty and socks, cold and a bit tired...ready to face the day..snowy, rainy, dental work, mother and her moods, financial woes and cancer...bring it on.

Where did it go?

2009-01-05T00:57:00.003-05:00

Sunday flew by for me, did it you?

I woke up fairly early.. well for me...and called Tim. We met up online and played some Monopoly until 1pm...when he had to leave to get ready to go out. He was heading to Lexington to watch a basketball game between U of K and U of L with his brother.

I always miss him when he's away but it was good for him to get out and spend some time with his brother and family.

It meant a very quiet day for me as usually there are many phone calls between us all day when we aren't together. Sue had woken up early and did the laundry that my nephew was meant to be doing, so that was taken care of and i didn't have to do that. She had also got everything ready for dinner. Vegetables peeled and in water on the stove. We had a pot roast with potatoes, carrots and onion...with coleslaw and mashed turnips. Oh and Yorkshire pudding...musn't forget that.

I ended up going to pick up some groceries. There were some things we needed...margerine..tea bags...salad...and lots of other things i wanted to pick up. The stores, compared to during the holidays, were relatively quiet...so i leisurely walked around the store, looking for things. Recently they changed the store around to make room for the new pharmacy that they added...so i'm lost and trying to re-familiarize myself with where things are. I am 'known' for forgetting things, even when i have a list...because i often even don't check the list...but i'm trying to be better about that and really checking the list before i check out, to make sure i don't go home with a long list of things i forgot.

Got everything home in a taxi and eventually all put away. It was going on 4pm by that time and mother and i thought of going for a nap but in the end we didn't. At that point dinner was almost ready...we wanted to eat early because my sister, after having been off for 11 days straight, is heading back to work Monday morning and she wanted a relaxing, long evening.

We were done eating dinner by 5.30 or so and shortly thereafter i did the dishes. Man i felt so sleepy at that point (really wished i'd taken a nap earlier) but i got the dishes done and then laid down for a nap. I set my alarm to wake up for 9pm but i ended up waking up just after 8pm...with a headache.

I had my alarm set for 9 because i wanted to watch a show with my sister then...a new show started with international dance teams. I forget what it was called but it is a dance competition with teams from around the world. We liked it ....but it wasn't as good as we'd hoped it would be. A lot of the 'dancing' we thought of as more of tumbling or something...not what i think of as dancing....certainly not on par with say So You Think You Can Dance or Dancing with the Stars.

We'll continue to watch it though...because have you noticed lately there is nothing on tv. Gosh...we're desperate for something to watch. I know American Idol starts next week (i think?) but i am kind of a little tired of that show.

Here in Canada, just before the holidays, the first version of So You Think You Can Dance Canada was on and we really enjoyed that. Hopefully another American version will be on soon. Also hoping another season of Big Brother will be on this winter...i haven't heard anything though, have you?

So we watched the dance show and got through it....at the end i did my usual rituals...made ice cubes and got water and ice for mother and me. Tim then called to let me know he'd just walked in the door. I was so happy to hear his voice and happier still that he had a good time and had arrived back home safely.

I made mother a roast beef sandwich as a late evening snack (which she has already eaten as i type this) and got my sister and i each a piece of cheese bread (oh and a piece for mother too) and went back to my room to call Tim back.

We decided to both have a nap. I tried to sleep but couldn't. This headache is nagging at me and my neck and shoulders are tense. I've heated up my magic bags and i've got them on my back and neck so that should help...i've also taken a muscle relaxer...so we'll see what happens.

I called Tim to tell him i couldn't sleep but he still sounded tired so he's gone back to sleep and i'm here writing this.

This week i have two appointments. Tuesday i see my oncologist and Wednesday i have a dentist appointment. I can't remember exactly what she'll be doing, i think building my teeth back up. I grind them you see and they're worn down to the denta...and so i think thats what will be happening. I have two teeth to be pulled but i'm not sure when that will happen. I'm in no big rush for that but my sister says i should be...so as not to end up with another infected tooth ...with the pain, etc that i experienced. When i go on Wedneday i'll ask about it.

After my appointment Wednesday, mother wants me to do a bit of shopping...so i'll do that then come back home. It will be nice to get out a bit this week.

Next week i'm back on chemo with one more month to go (prayers said). We'll see what happens after that.

Anyway..all in all it was a good day but it certainly went by quickly...which is good and bad...but mostly good because i missed Tim and bad because the day is almost over.

Well i'm off to visit your blogs...see you there.

Chilly nights and days

2009-01-02T03:33:00.002-05:00

Had a nice, relaxing day today...but i've had a terrible headache all day and it rages on. I can't complain because i've been having some really good days lately.

It is the wee hours of the morning and i'll be heading to bed very soon...in the hopes that my head is better when i wake up.

When i do wake up, i think i'll do some laundry. I wanted to do it today but that just didn't happen. That's a good thing about laundry...it will always wait.

It's been cold outside, bitterly cold. I won't complain about that either but we have had the window cracked open (at mothers insistence) so i've been bundling up and wearing socks and slippers on my feet. Mother has been all snuggled up in bed with her blankets too...but she doesn't want the window shut, she prefers the fresh air to how stuffy it can get with the window closed. I do too but this cold snap is something else altogether...if it were up to me i'd have closed it...but must keep mother happy.

When i woke up this morning, it was funny....i looked at my hands and thought...oh yeah, i have nails...i'd totally forgotten or something. Then when i was sitting up, i looked down at my toes and smiled. I know it must sound silly but it makes me feel good that i got them done...makes me feel girlie...sometimes this disease robs me of that, i can't explain why...it just does. So...i hope to keep this up.

Well i think i'll pop by your blogs, see if any of you have written...then i'll crawl into my ice cold bed (which i love) to warm it up soon as i watch the end of Extreme Home Makeover...goodnight all.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T03:12:00.002-05:00

Wow, i can't believe it is 2009...Happy New Year to each and every one of you that stops by my humble little blog to read about my life...i appreciate all of you! I hope you all have a great year filled with peace and joy, love and prosperity...and most of all, good health.

Had a bit of a busy day. Had my dental appointment at 8.30 this morning. That went well, my teeth are nice and clean now. I have two follow up appointments next week and the week after. I'll be a busy bee as i have two other medical appointments those weeks too.

After my teeth were nice and clean, my sister met me at the office and we went and got manicures and pedicures. It's a little treat i gave myself and i hope to pamper myself a bit more this coming year.. but we shall see. Anyway the pedicure was amazing...those of you who go know what it's like..so i won't go on and on but i could have fallen asleep between the massaging chair and the pedicure itself. I used to go every month...i dont know if i'll go that often again but i intend on going more.

So after that i got a manicure and gel nails put on. I've been growing my own nails but recently i'd broken one and when i break one i trim them all back, so i was at a short stage and i just fancied some nice, longer nails. I went with a French colour on both hands and feet and it looks nice, especially on my cute little feet....although my sister was making fun of me because i am one of those 'freaks' that has a long second toe. Oh well, i like them. The lady doing my feet was admiring the tatoos that i have on my big toes (i think i've mentioned them here before, they are pink long stemmed roses)...i've always loved them and do get comments and compliments on them. I remember once i was in hospital ...i was very sick from chemo and a nurse came in to do my blood pressure, etc and she was covering me up and my feet happened to be sticking out of the blankets and she just fell in love with my tatoos...so much so that she decided she wanted to get some on her toes and asked if she could bring her husband in with her the next day to show him my tatoos, as a way to convince him that is was the right place or something (i dont remember exactly now)...it was cute.

It had snowed during the night and since i didn't want to smoosh my toes i took a pair of flip-flops to wear home. So did my sister. We must have looked crazy walking out in the snow to get into our respective taxis...it was funny but hey, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

When i got home i settled in, got changed out of my 'going out' clothes and into my 'hanging around the house shorts and tshirt' and sat and chatted with my mom and sister. Mom decided on what she wanted for lunch and i promptly made it and sister went out on an errand, promising to be back shortly. When she left mother asked if i'd consider going to the grocery store...there were a few things she wanted, a few things we needed and so i decided to go.

Wow...when i got to the store it was packed...and i do mean packed. There was even a line-up for the atm...which isn't usually the case. After i visited that, i got my shopping done. It was brilliantly sunny out but bitterly cold and after i'd checked out i waited outside for the taxi...which when you are waiting in the cold like that, seemed to take forever...but it wasn't long. It took us forever to get out of the parking lot but i was finally on my way home. Got there and put stuff away then met Tim online to play for a while.

After we played i took a nap. Everyone here was napping and i was tired. When i got up i breaded the pork chops for dinner. We didn't eat until late, as i mentioned...but when we did it was yummy.

S did dishes and i laid down. My sciatica was bothering me and so i heated up my 'magic bag' and put it on my leg and that is the last thing i remember until i woke up just before midnight. I called Tim and tried to hurry to meet him online so we could ring in the new year together. I barely made it...but we spent a few fun hours talking and playing.

We hope this will be our year.

Did i make any New Years resolutions....not really...just to beat this disease, get healthy and be with Tim...i guess they could count as resolutions. I have to make them happen. I have to.

I feel like this is my year....(throwing my hat up in the air)... i'm gonna make it after all. From my finger tips to God's ears!

Oh what fun...

2008-12-30T02:33:00.003-05:00

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.

Here, our Christmas eve festivities went really well. Everyone seemed to enjoy the food and we all had fun talking and laughing at this and that. The kids were well behaved even though they'd been to a couple of other places visiting and were clearly excited about Santa's impending arrival.

People didn't stay too late, were gone before 11pm. After they left S and i did the big clean up and were quite brutal about it, according to her directions. Most food got thrown out. Her reasoning was that it had been sitting out since we'd eaten...we were so busy socializing that we left things. It was hard to argue with her (it always is)...she is the oldest and what she says goes. After we cleared everything up...i was meant to make my stuffing for the next days turkey...but i just couldn't...i was worn out. Instead i think i spent time with Tim (i can't remember if i had a wee nap first) and we enjoyed ourselves, as usual.

This year Tim and i ...because of our finances, decided not to buy gifts for each other. It's so hard not to buy for someone you love so much...i'm a natural-born giver and want to give...but i refrained. Well i could resist no longer and yesterday i ordered some cheese. I ordered a basket for him some months ago from this place called Igourmet. They sell specialized cheeses and fine foods. I'd highly recommend them to anyone. Anyway i ordered a gift basket for him some months ago that i was able to put together and one of the things i chose was some Stilton cheese. Well he loved it and since money is so tight for us this year, i knew he wouldn't treat himself to some more so i ordered him some of that and another favourite of his, brie. This time i sent him some Canadian brie. I hope it's good...i just thought it would be nice to have something from my country. So that should be arriving soon...and i hope he enjoys it and eats it in good health...cheese is just so yummy anyway.

SO back to Christmas. On the eve of...i spent time with Tim and then we decided we'd better go to sleep...which meant it was time for me to fill the stalkings. Yes we still do that here even though we are all adults. It's just a bit of fun and i enjoy doing it. I didn't realize how much stuff i'd bought...so the stockings were all over-flowing...a mix of practical and yummy things.

On the morning of, we rose fairly early, i think it was 9am and once everyone was up and about we sat down to open gifts. I ended up buying a fair amount of things for my sister....well for everyone. S and i gave mother an electric blanket (which we promptly returned on Boxing day)...she didn't even want to try it, she just decided it would be too hot for her ...this from the woman who is almost always cold. Oh well. As it turns out, we bought her a nice, incredibly soft blanket instead.

After we all opened our gifts i got to work on the stuffing. It took me a little while, i make a sausage stuffing....thankfully it turned out better this time than it did for Thanksgiving. We got the veggies and everything ready, stuffed the bird...put it in the oven...and by this time it was 1.30pm so we all decided to lay down for a nap. I think all of us (except my nephew) slept until 5pm, i think we were still tired from the night before....thankfully nephew was awake sooner and had been basting the bird. When we woke at 5pm the bird was a golden beauty and smelled yummy.

After dinner, which we all thoroughly enjoyed, we got the dishes done and relaxed for the evening. The next day, Boxing day too...i started some turkey soup and sister started the process of taking down the tree and decorations (no time to waste). I don't know why she was in such a hurry. She is off over the holidays until the 5th of January so she has 11 days off. Good for her buy she's been like a little whirlwind around here, cleaning etc...bless her little heart.

One day, since we had to go return mother's blanket and some other things, we braved the mall. Wow...it was packed. I think we went the Saturday following Christmas (but now i can't exactly remember)...sister returned what she had to...i bought myself a new purse with my Christmas money...a black Kathy Van Zeeland purse, my current favourite bags. I have three now and i just love them...but back to my mall story. We hurried around the mall as it was just plain nuts and i don't like crowds like that...and sister has very little patience for people...so we got what we wanted and left. The following day we went to Walmart. We had a return there...and again it was crazy...and the line-ups were almost as bad as the ones i'd encountered prior to Christmas. I decided then and there that i'd stay away from the stores for a while...til things have calmed down.

Since then we've just been getting on with things...i have a dental appointment on the thirty-first at 8.30am to get my teeth cleaned (yay!) then after that i'm meeting my sister Lane to get a manicure and pedicure. I am SO looking forward to that. On the sixth i go to see my oncologist and on the 12th i begin another round of chemo. I finish in February then will see what happens after that. I'm so excited to find out what this new year will mean for me, my health and my future with Tim.

New Years eve will be quiet here...no partying. We usually order in some Chinese food but my sister doesn't want to do that this year...so i'd better find out what, if anything, we're doing for New Years day dinner...but hopefully i'll be online with Tim to ring in the new year with him.

Will check back in with all of you soon...before the new year for sure. Now i'll pop round your blogs to hear about your CHristmases.

Tis the season

2008-12-23T04:45:00.002-05:00

Been so busy the last few days...i bet all of you are too. Shopping and getting things ready for the big day. Finally completed my shopping on Sunday but couldn't resist going back to the mall tonight to pick up one gift i'd spotted for my sister but didn't pick up. It was one of those things, a pretty, sparkly bracelet that had caught my eye. She loves blue and it is blue with various faux stones in it...there are three of them, very pretty...and i just couldn't resist getting it for her. Picked up a few more small stocking stuffers too...and two pairs of gloves for myself. I've loved being out in the crowds doing the last minute shopping but it has made me miss Tim all the more.

We are having family over on Christmas eve. We are serving finger foods..a casual affair, everyone is bringing something. It will be fun, full of yummy food and good company. My family isn't close so it will be especially nice to see everyone, i am really looking forward to it.

S has been busy baking, lemon squares, shortbread, hello dolly squares and mincemeat and butter tarts. Monday i made some sweet and sour meatballs and tomorrow i will make the stuffing for the turkey for Christmas day. I have tons of wrapping to do but that is not a chore for me, i love to do it.

Mother has been in reasonable spirits, sister too. I am looking forward. I have two more months of chemo and then we'll see what the future holds. I feel good. I feel strong and i feel very positive.

On that note i will wish all of you a very merry Christmas. I hope you have a wonderful holiday season surrounded by your loved ones. I look forward to reading all about it on your blogs.

Merry Christmas to all...and God bless.

This too shall pass

2008-12-16T11:44:00.002-05:00

Brrrr, it's so chilly in here...it feels like the heat isn't even on. I do have the window open a crack. I do like the fresh air and mother needs the fresh air but i think i'll close it for a while.

I didn't sleep much last night. I had a middle-of-the-night-bath and was wide awake until 7.30 am. By then i was a bit sleepy and laid down. I slept until 10am. Now i have a headache. I hope it passes.

Mother woke up a little while ago, in time for the Price is Right (one of her favourite shows). She isn't speaking...yet. When the show is done i'll ask her what she'd like to eat and will find out what sort of mood she is in. Thus far she hasn't said one word to me. I have spoken to her and i'm not sure if she is ignoring me (which she does do) or didn't hear me. In either case i didn't feel like repeating myself. I feel like i'm in a mood too...not a bad one, a sad one.

And bad/sad moods are all around me. Of course my nephew M is always in a bad mood. He rarely speaks to me when we pass in the hall or we see each other when i'm in the kitchen. S just emailed me from work. It was to be another day off for her today but yesterday she decided to go in. She says she isn't in a good mood, feels suicidal and i feel helpless. Now i am not alarmed that she says she is suicidal. By that she means she is weepy, down...but not going to take her life. That much i know.

So all around me is sadness or anger or whatever it is. I'm fighting to rise above it. After all i am still alive, fighting this disease and living day to day. Sure i've got an infected tooth but it's being taken care of and i have pills for the pain. I have a wonderful man in my life who loves me and i have food and shelter and i have this little blog and all of you who take time out of your days to wish me well, offer your prayers and thoughts and visit me often. I shouldn't be too sad about not being with Tim, i know we'll be with each other in spirit and i know we'll be together as soon as we can be.

SO i better perk up, eh. Christmas is upon us afterall.

Bah humbug...almost

2008-12-16T01:13:00.002-05:00

As Christmas nears, my mood saddens. Tim and i were meant to be together this Christmas but financially it's just not possible. Hopefully we'll be able to spend time together but i know it's a busy family time for him. We'll have a get together here on Christmas eve with my sisters other son and his wife and children here...but Christmas day it will just be the four of us here. Sure we'll have a nice dinner but i won't be with Tim.

So i'm finding it hard to get into the spirit of things. I've yet to do any shopping. I desperately need to go but with chemo and this darned tooth i've just had to put it off. S has been busy with her own things too and my aunt, who has offered to come stay with mother when i need to go, has been sick, so things just aren't working out. S had the day off Monday and i had thought it would be a good time to get out to the stores but it turned out she had plans of her own and was in and out most of the day and into the evening. Maybe i'll get to go on Tuesday at dinner time. Maybe Sue will fix dinner for her and mother and i can go out then. Maybe getting out and doing some shopping will put me in more of a Christmas spirit. I can only hope.

I have two more months of chemo after finishing this past weeks round. So i'll be done in time for my birthday in February. I hope and pray for good results.

Mother is in a fit state. She has never been one to enjoy the holiday season. I don't know why. There have been times when i've tried to talk to her about it, about why she gets like this...but when i have it only makes her worse. Obviously it's a sore subject for some reason. I try to be understanding but she gets so miserable she affects me as she has been lately. Earlier tonight she told me she wants to cancel the hairdresser coming because she just doesn't want to get her hair done for Christmas. I can't believe it. She always wants to look nice. I think i'll wait a few days and see if she changes her mind.

We are expecting snow later on in the week. I hope it comes. It doesn't feel like winter. Sure it's been cold but to see snow on the ground would make it real...and it's always nice to have a white Christmas, isn't it.

Earlier on MSN my sister L and i chatted. We've been keeping in touch via email but i haven't seen her in years even though she lives in the same city. It's difficult to explain why. My family is so dysfunctional and L has been separated from the family for as long as i can remember. It's been so long that i can hardly remember why. Mother sees her as a trouble maker. So does my sister S. My sister Lane has no time for her. I am the only one who keeps in touch but as i said, via email. L wants more. This puts me in an awkward position. I love L and want to see her but it would make things rocky here. My mother went through a bitter divorce and L seemed (according to mother) to take 'his' side. I can't remember all that has gone on anymore and quite frankly i don't care. L is my sister and i want to see her. I have to talk to S and mother about it. I know they won't be happy, i do know that. L feels sad and left out of everything. She's had some strokes lately, has had to give up nursing because of her many health problems and she needs family. I want to be there for her and i know email isn't quite doing it. I'm trying. It's just a bit difficult because i just can't leave mother behind. She doesn't want to be left on her own. As i've mentioned in prior posts (i think?) ...mother lives in the bedroom. We share a room. We have tv and my computer in here. She doesn't like me to leave the room. If i go to the living room to sit with S for a while, chat or watch tv, she gets mad...and i mean mad. She'll get into a real snit and sometimes won't talk for days. Otherwise she will just make things supremely miserable.

So, what to do. I know i'll figure something out but it will take some time. Perhaps when my aunt is feeling better i can ask her to come visit with mother while i go see L...or we could meet for a coffee or go shopping together. It will get figured out i'm sure...and i'll have to deal with mother and her foul moods..i always do.

Just a word from me to you

2008-12-13T03:57:00.002-05:00

Brrrr...it's chilly as i'm sitting here. It is very nearly 4am and i just got finished playing Monopoly with Tim. Since neither one of us felt good today, this was the first time we'd been together, so we played three games and had some laughs. He's gone to bed now and i'll be heading there too shortly..i just thought i'd blog a bit.

My friend Rich came over on Wednesday. I had invited him over to look at my computer and our new tv. The new tv was hooked up and working but for some reason we couldn't switch it over to the digital box. My sister has it set up so she just gets the basic cable channels so that she can tape on her vcr...but we discovered the problem of the cable box and i knew Rich would be able to solve it. He was to stay for dinner and we were to watch a movie...and he was also going to take a look at my computer. He got here shortly before noon. We had already made plans to go get a few groceries. Mother wanted me to go and get some things to make a cabbage casserole, which i'll make on Sunday....but then i picked up the stuff for dinner that day too...and some other things too. Before we left for the stores, he looked at the tv and decided it needed new wiring. So he toook the wires off the LCD tv in my bedroom and put it on the one in the living room and decided the tv in my room needed HDMI cables. Don't ask me what they are...i just paid for them and asked no questions, since he always knows what he is doing. When we got back he went to work, putting the cables on. That didn't take long at all and before long i had the groceries all put away. Since i've been on chemo this week, having it at home...i got to feel nauseous and ended up being quite sick. Thankfully Rich is understanding and kind of knows the drill. We decided to order and movie on demand from the cable thingie...and began watching that so i could lay down and rest...but i promptly fell asleep, not surprisingly. I'm always tired.

I didn't miss too much of the movie. We watched Run Fatboy Run. Rich explained what i did miss and i perked up for the end of it and enjoyed it quite a bit. I wanted to rent another but i knew i'd never stay awake...besides it was time i needed to start dinner. After dinner, we did dishes and i packed up some leftovers (we had pasta with fresh mozzarella) and he left. He had to go to work the next morning, i was feeling unwell...and my sister wanted the living room back.

When i headed back to the bedroom and mom...she asked me if i'd turned off the closed captioning button (we keep it on at all times because it helps mom enjoy tv since her hearing is going)...i didn't think i had but i checked...nope, it was on. So i tried another channel, with a different program, to see if it was just that particular show that she was watching...nope. It just wasn't working. I couldn't figure it out...i checked the settings over and over. Then mom mentioned something pertinent. It hadn't worked since Rich changed the cables. Uh-oh. I texted Rich since i wasn't sure if he was home yet and he said he didn't think it would be because of the cables. In the end i ended up changing the cables back to the original ones...for some reason the hdmi cables didnt allow for the cc. Do any of you know why that is? Weird.

After he left i slept and slept. As i mentioned earlier, Tim has been under the weather ...so the two of us have spent a lot of time apart, unfortunately. I hope he feels better soon, i miss him terribly.

This afternoon mother had a nosebleed. Not sure what causes them every now and again, i suspect it's the oxygen tube, probably drying out her nose with the constant flow. I had just begun to make lunch for the two of us when it started so i shut it down to try to help her. It took about 45 minutes for us, pinching her nose as hard as she could stand, before it finally stopped. She got herself all uptight and in a fit state but i stayed calm and was able to talk her through it. All she could think of was what if i'd gone out shopping (as we'd talked about the night before)...and she'd been alone.

After it stopped she didn't have an appetite. We were going to have poached eggs but in the end she just had some toast and tea. I had eggs and it was yummy but it didnt stay with me long. Afterwards we both laid down for a nap, a nice long one at that.

I still have tons and i do mean TONS of Christmas shopping to do. I'm hoping to get out either get out tomorrow or Sunday. It's just getting closer and closer and won't get done on its own. I have some ideas for some gifts but the others i will just look around.

Brrrr, i'm really chilly so will close and crawl into my cold bed which i hope will warm up quickly. Hope you all have a great weekend...i'll be around to read y ou all soon!

Toothy news

2008-12-10T03:21:00.002-05:00

Well Monday i started chemo again and so far so good. Yes i've been sick and combined with the tooth, in general, been feeling quite miserable at time...but hey, i'm still alive and kicking, right.

Tuesday i went to the dentist. Relatively uneventful appointment. After doing an xray she (the dentist) determined that my tooth is infected and she started me on a new antibiotic. She didn't want to give me anything for the pain, instead said it should start to feel better in three to four days. I am not sure i can last that long with this pain, so tomorrow i will call my doctor and see if i can get some more percocets to tide me over. I go back on December 31 at 8.30am to have a full set of xrays and to have my teeth cleaned. She said it would probably make more sense to extract the tooth rather than do a root canal and since it is at the back of my mouth, i will be able to do just fine without it. Good news to me because i've heard some real horror stories about root canals and even if i hadn't...they just don't sound like fun. Thing is, i haven't had a tooth pulled since i was a child and i cannot remember what it's like. I think it hurt but surely dentistry has come a long way since then. Either way i am looking forward to it being taken care of and looking forward to having some nice clean teeth for the new year.

Other than my chemo and my tooth, not much new happening with me. On Sunday my sister came with me and we went to get groceries. BIG mistake taking her. She has no patience for crowds and part way through shopping she starting telling me to hurry up (have i mentioned how bossy my sister is)...there were things we needed and she kept trying to talk me out of getting them. It got so frustrating i just wanted to tell her to go if she wanted to (which i'm sure she'd have taken me up on) but we were, at that point, pushing two grocery carts and so i needed her help. We got a ton of groceries because we were out of a lot of things and plus she needed a bunch of things for baking...sugar, flour, fine sugar,nuts, coconut, butter, chocolate and butterscotch chips...etc etc. She loves to bake at this time of year. Has made a few batches of shortbread already but she took those to work to give to her boss to take home, apparently she just loves it and i must admit it is quite yummy.

Wednesday my friend Rich is coming over. We are going grocery shopping to pick up some things for dinner and for a cabbage casserole that i am going to make on the weekend. When we get back he'll be doing some work on my computer, as well as readying my other computer so i can send it to Tim. He'll also be checking on the new tv. For some reason i don't think i have it hooked up correctly because i can't switch over to the dvd or digital cable. Hopefully he'll solve those matters and then we can watch a movie. It's his day off from work so i appreciate him coming over.

Tim and i just playing...yep, you got it...Monopoly. I won the last game, hooray for me...i enjoy my wins when they happen...so few and far between. He has gone to bed and i'm having a wave of nauseousness right now so i think i'll close and go to bed.

Are you all ready for Christmas yet?

Monopolizing our time...

2008-12-06T13:40:00.002-05:00

Gosh, i woke just a little while ago and ouch, the percocets have worn off. Then again i think i only took one before going to bed (in the wee hours of the morning) so maybe that's why it hurts so bad right now.

I really do need to go for groceries though. We're running out of things and we need meats and things for dinners. Feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment with all of the shopping that still needs to be done and not looking forward to Tuesdays dentist appointment...but really trying to just hang in there and deal with it.

I don't know if i've mentioned here but our latest game playing craze is Monopoly....it's like we've forgotten all of the other games we enjoyed and we are addicted. Well i can't speak for Tim but i certainly am. I have always loved playing Monopoly...but no one else in my family ever enjoyed it....so the year i was given it for CHristmas, i think someone played with me...but thereafter it mostly sat on a shelf, until i was older and discovered friends who also enjoyed it. Two of my favourite games are Monopoly and Trivial Pursuit. Both games can last for hours and i love that...the getting together with family or friends or both...to sit around a table and play and enjoy each other's company....so now i get to spend my time with Tim, playing it online (how cool is that) and enjoying his company. Problem is (or maybe it isn't such a problem...no wait, it is!)...he wins like 90% of the time, if not more. He makes all the good deals with the robots we play with...and just beats the pants off of me...i don't know, maybe he just has more of a business acumen and i do not....whatever it is, he's good at this too, much to my chagrin.

Luckily though, i just love spending time with him, playing one of my favourite games...how can it not be fun.

Dental woes

2008-12-05T03:22:00.002-05:00

So i was foolish. My tooth started feeling 'better' last week and in a last ditch effort of avoidance, i didn't call the dentist. Wednesday i was in excruciating pain and i finally called the dentist. It's a new dentist to me, it will be my first visit...but they are short one dentist right now so the soonest i could get in is Tuesday at 2.30. My own darn fault, i'll have to wait. She did say she'd put me on the short list to get called in Thursday if they had a cancellation, so i woke early that day and washed my hair and had myself mentally ready to go. They didn't call...but midday i finally called my family doctor to ask for something for the pain. They sent me out some percocets, which didn't arrive until almost 7pm...but as soon as they did i took two. They are helping me get by. They don't totally alleviate the pain but it dulls it. Maybe after i have some more in my system it will work better. I can only hope.

Lesson learned though....don't ignore dental problems.

Otherwise, we are slowly getting ready for Christmas. My sister has begun the baking aspect. We have started a list of things i need to get at the grocery store. We'll be having some family over on Christmas eve and food will be served, so we've been planning on things to have. So far we've decided on cheeses and kielbassa with crackers and pickles, sweet and sour meatballs, a fruit platter and various baked goods. We are trying not to go overboard with food because we don't have a huge fridge so storage is an issue, especially considering we'll have food in for the big dinner on Christmas day. It should be fun, i am really looking forward to it.

Still have all my Christmas shopping to do for mother. I don't mind doing it last minute, it sort of gets me in the Christmas spirit being in the hustle and bustle of the stores. I hope to get it going this weekend, assuming i'm well enough with this darned tooth.

On Monday my sister came home from work and went to turn on the tv in the living room and found out the tv died. At first we thought it was the remote, so i changed the batteries. Nope...wasn't that because i then thought to try turning it on by the button on the front of the tv. That didn't work either. Sheesh. We can't do without a tv in the living room, especially since my sister sleeps there, it is technically her bedroom...so off we went to Sears and in less than an hour she'd bought a new 32inch LCD tv. It was a dream for us to get it home, they are light as feathers practically. It was a real pain to carry the old one down to the garbage room in our building, those older tvs are so heavy and cumbersome but we did it, my sister and i (while my nephew lay in his comfy bed, watching tv...grrrr!) It is a great tv and cost her less than $600...so she was pleased.

Well i'll close this post and run around to all your blogs before i head to bed. It's the wee hours of the morning but i don't think i can sleep ....yet.

Results are in

2008-11-28T11:25:00.002-05:00

Wednesday was a day for great news!

First and foremost, the cancer has not spread. Thank God! My doctor said it might have been a shadow on the first test or perhaps it was misread but the second scan was fine, as was the internal and pap test. Whew! I felt i could breathe after that.

In other good news, my blood pressure is much better, it was 140 over 70, so i don't need to be on medication for high blood pressure. Wouldn't have been the end of the world but it was definitely worrisome.

One thing concerning my doctor was the fact that my blood sugar is out of whack. I am diabetic and take a drug called Metformin. I used to take one tablet twice daily...he doubled that. I'll need to be more diligent about it, i confess i am not right now but will strive to improve on that. In January i will go and see the diabetic dietician and see what she can help me with...i know there is plenty of room for improvement.

Two recommendations my doctor made was to get my eyes checked and see a podiatrist. I will do both right after the holidays. Will feel weird seeing a foot doctor (i'll definitely need a pedicure beforehand) but i think it would be for the best.

So that is my news, finally. Tim and i are both very happy. Now i can get back to my neuro-oncologist and go from there....will keep you posted.

No news is good news...so far

2008-11-17T01:47:00.002-05:00

Here i am, the wee hours of Sunday/Monday, posting.

I am sorry i haven't posted sooner. Short story long, i didn't make my appointment on Wednesday because i ended up with an infected tooth. Talk about pain...amazing how such a little thing can cause so much pain...but it did. I was put on antibiotics and will call and make a dental appointment as soon as the course of pills is done. I don't think they'll do anything with me until then. All week i've been taking multiple tylenol 3's and oxys. They would dull the pain but i could always tell when they were wearing off...the left side of my face hurt. I am feeling much better but it hasn't totally gone away, yet. It is a broken tooth at the back and i'm thinking perhaps another small piece broke off, exposing a nerve. Will find out more when i finally get to the dentist. Gosh i sort of an aversion to them. I do have fairly nice teeth and do brush and gargle but i'm lazy when it comes to flossing. I know it's one of the first things they'll say...and i'll do whatever it takes if they'll just make sure this pain stays away.

Funny how i have a hard time dealing with the pain of a toothache...(since it really knocked me for a loop) but my battle with cancer wages on and i can deal with that (mostly).

So the wait for the news continues. I tried to get in sooner, say for instance this week but my doctor is away this week so the soonest i could get in was the 26th...another wait. This time, come hell or high water i will make that appointment. I simply must know.

In other news, the more things change (around here) the more they stay the same. Just when i think i had my mom's sights set on assisted living, my sister talked her out of it. Told her it was no place for her and she wouldn't allow her to go. (Gee Sue, thanks for consulting me, the caregiver on that one)...i mean she didn't even ask what i wanted. She simply decided.

I can't think about it right now though...too much going on in my head as is. After i find out, when i know...then i can make decisions for myself. I hope.

Another Sunday night posting

2008-11-10T03:33:00.002-05:00

Another Sunday late night and here i am posting. Nothing new to report, i've been doing relatively well...the usual headaches and the constant tiredness is with me but i am getting through each day just fine.

The latest thing around here is my sisters Sues obsession with buying a new electric fireplace for our living room. She is having trouble coming up with ways to finance the idea and has sort of put it on me to come up with a way. Problem is i feel, as a people-pleasing person, that i want to help...but i really can't...i'm really struggling myself for various reasons. Usually when she gets this way, i do manage to find a way to help her but after being burned one too many times, i'm trying to just stay out of it.

My sister Linda is in bad health. She is a nurse but can no longer work as one because she has several health issues preventing that. One of which is her high blood pressure. She is about 12 years older than i am and has smoked all of her life. Though she has been cautioned by her doctor to quit, she is finding it very hard to. I understand. Not that i've ever been a smoker but i can certainly appreciate how difficult it would be...but the thing is she has had several strokes now and i am worried about her. Her latest stroke was last weekend and she just got out of hospital. I will continue to pray for her to get well and find the strength to give up the smoking.

Mother has been unwell the last little while. The problem is, she wont let me make a doctors appointment to take her in to have her seen. She just tells me she can't make it there, she is too weak, etc. Well these days doctors don't do home visits, or at least ours doesn't and so she feels she is going to end up in hospital again. Maybe she will, i don't know. I really think she needs to go into long-term care. I feel like i am just not capable to meet her medical needs. If she was in care, she'd have access to the medical care it seems she needs. She talks about it but she is struggling with it. She has asked me what i think and i've told her i do think it'd be for the best. When she is cranky or mad at me she tells me i don't do a very good job of caring for her. I remind her of that when she asks my thoughts. I love her even though she makes it very difficult but i do think it's time. I am tired and i really believe i need to focus on my health and my future. Does that sound awful. Reading it, it sounds it to me...but i want to get well and get on with my life, my future with Tim and i cannot do that as long as i am responsible for my mother.

When i see my doctor on Wednesday, i intend on talking to him about it. See what our options are and hopefully, with mothers blessing, get the ball rolling.

Speaking of Wednesday, i am nervous...i just want it to come so i get the results...at one point it seemed so far away. I dreaded having to wait and now the day is practically upon me and i'm not ready. I'm trying to remember to think positive but my negative tendencies take over sometimes and i think the worst. Once we have the results, we'll know where to go next...i'll see my neuro-oncologist and go from there.

So til Wednesday i'll just be hanging on....and now i'll pop by your blogs to see what's going on with you.

More news

2008-11-02T14:52:00.003-05:00

What a chilly day it is today. I was out earlier to pick up a few groceries, things i had forgotten when i went to the store yesterday. Brrr, it was cold but the sun was lovely and thankfully warm.

Part of the reason i went again after i'd just been there yesterday, was to go to the local drug store and check my blood pressure, which has been high lately.

You see, the week before this past week i was supposed to see my doctor for a pap test regarding the spot on my ovaries...but had to reschedule that test as my period started....so fast forward to this past Wednesday. I went in for my exam. When the nurse did the test, it was fine...as you ladies know, a little uncomfortable but certainly not the end of the world. When she did an internal exam, she said everything felt normal. Whew! That was a glimmer of hope for me...i'll hang onto that until the test results come back. So then she took my blood pressure. It was 186 over 104. Very high. Especially high for me since i've never really had any signs of being high before. Sure there were occasions when i was anxious at various appointments but the readings were never that high.

Long story short, she asked me to go back in a week, to get the results of my tests and bloodwork and to have my bp taken again ( i couldn't get an appointment until the 12th though) and in the meantime, wanted me to go to this drug store as often as i could to see how it is doing. Well i've been twice now and both times it's been high, according to the machine very high, especially for someone with diabetes. Yesterday it was 167 over 87 and today it was 168 over 83. Better than the first reading at the doctors appointment but still quite high.

Needless to say i've done some reading on high blood pressure on the internet and it's quite scary (as if cancer isn't scary enough)....the risks of stroke and heart attack so very high. I'm worried that my doctor didn't put me straight onto some medication...so i think i'll call tomorrow and talk to the nurse, tell her the readings that i've had so far and see what they say.

Lately i've been so tired, even more tired than i usually am....but i'm doing better emotionally. Tim is being a wonderful support and my family is trying to be understanding of my need for sleep.

I go back to see my neuro-oncologist as soon as we find out what is happening with the spot on the ovary. This week i have to schedule another ultra-sound....so life is all about doctors and tests and being prodded and poked...as per normal.

Well that's my news for now. I'm keeping busy and Tim and i spend as much time together as we can, when i'm not asleep, etc. Our latest game addiction is to Monopoly on pogo. We gave great fun playing, since we both love the game...and as always ...Tim almost always wins...but i'm working on that.

Dinner is simmering on the stove and it smells yummy...my sister made a hearty beef stew...and i'm sitting here with a coffee, anxious to get to your blogs to see what's been happening in your world...see you there!

News

2008-10-17T03:56:00.003-04:00

I've had some news that has me scared. While having a scan, the radiologist saw a spot on my ovaries. I have been having a bit of a rough time for a while, severe cramps, leg pains, lower back pain..on top of the very painful headaches, which have increased in the pain department. My oncologist fears the cancer has spread.

On Wednesday i go for further testing and we will go from there i am told.

I feel so scared but i am trying to be strong...i think i've been doing pretty well in that department lately but right now i'm feeling scared and alone.

Your positive thoughts and prayers would be so appreciated.

I will keep you posted...if anyone is still out there.

Jamie

A quick note

2008-10-10T02:17:00.003-04:00

The last few weeks have been a blur...tests, bloodwork...being sick, terrible headaches, trips to the emergency room...and being loved by Tim. Right now my sister is sick with a nasty cold and i am trying my hardest, with my immune system, such as it is...to avoid her and keep from getting sick too. At this point, it's the last thing i need.

I will get back to posting soon and checking in on all of you.

Til then, take care of yourselves!

Ike aftermath

2008-09-16T04:10:00.003-04:00

I just spent some time with Tim. He is from Louisville, Kentucky and Sunday he lost power after remnants of Hurricane Ike hitl. Close to 300,000 people are without electricity. As of Monday, the local electric company suggested it might be up to two weeks before power could be restored for all of it's customers without power, so Tim decided to go stay with his parents in Lexington. He is very fortunate that he has family to stay with, i can't imagine what others are doing. I only hope they get it sorted out quickly, for everyones sake. I wish that for all of the people afftected by the hurricane and it's aftermath.

So Tim is with his parents and we were able to spend some time together, playing chess. Yes he wins more often then not...but i sneak in a few wins every once in a great while. My last post was just a bit of fun, i meant nothing against Tim...he doesn't need to use such antics...he is good...very good...but he keeps me laughting with the things he does...and what can i say, i always fall for them. It's one of the many reasons why i love him so.

Monday afternoon my friend Yuni, my hairdresser, came to do our hair. Mainly she was coming to do my sisters hair...but my mother and i decided we'd get our done too. I just had it washed and styled and mother the same. My mother is SO cranky and unhappy with hers. She is terribly fussy about her hair and it looks nice, very nice...but she just is so used to her own hairdresser doing it for many, many years ...that any slight (and it is slight) deviation from his stylings and all she does is complain. I had hoped it would cheer her up...it did for a while. Mind you in front of Yuni she is complimentery and happy with her hair...it is only afterwards that i hear about it. Ahh well, i'm thrilled with mine and so is my sister. She had her roots done (darn grey that grey hair) and then the cap used for some highlights. Yuni mentioned we are the only two of her customers that still use the cap, all the others use foils. I don't know why i like the cap...but i do. Perhaps i should give it up though and switch to foils. What do you think Cheryl?

After i had my hair done, Yuni dropped me off to go shopping at Walmart. She thought of shopping with me but in the end decided she'd go home and relax. It had been her day off and she'd been busy all day. I shopped around, picked up all the stuff i wanted and more. Seriously, never go shopping hungry. I was starving and bought so much junk food it wasn't funny. I did buy a lot of it for my mom and sister.

Came home from Walmart and changed into my jammies, threw a frozen pizza in the oven (it was yummy!) and lounged in front of the tv. There wasn't much on (that i was interested in)...and i was so tired after i ate, that i took a nap. I'd been waiting for Tim. He made the drive to Lexington tonight and i had to wait for him to set up the computer stuff. After my nap i texted him and we met online. Now he's gone to bed and i should head there too.

Tuesday i have the cable guy coming. We've been experiencing some problems getting in a channel that i am paying for but not getting...so we'll see what happens. I'll keep my toes crossed that he's able to sort the problem out.

Off to bed i go...

A question for you

2008-09-13T02:48:00.003-04:00

I can't believe what just happened. Tell me what you think...was i hoodwinked?

Tim and i are playing chess...and he asked me what my mom was doing. I turned to look and she was doing some personal for herself so when Tim pushed the point and asked me again i said he didn't want to know. Next thing i know...he took my queen. Can you believe that? He purposely asked me to look away...he distracted me by asking me to look at my mom and then moved a man into position to take my queen. Because apparently i thought he was genuinely curious, i turned to look and fell for his antics. Now i am down a queen and fighting for my life, in the game.

Do you think that was fair? I need to know.

Update...he won that game, grrrr!

Good night, good morning

2008-09-12T04:57:00.003-04:00

I've been having bouts of serious dizziness...so last night i decided to call the doctor on call, rather than go to emerg. When he called me back i explained to him what was happening and he we talked about my tumour and he explained that of course, with brain tumours, can come some degree of dizziness but then he inquired about the medications i was taking. I explained that i'd recently begun taking Decadron for the swelling...and he then said that it was that that was probably causing it. He also explained, which i didn't realize, that it was important for me to take the medication with food. A light went on, i hadn't been doing that either. I am notorious for not eating breakfest and that is when i have to take my pills.

Today i had a bite to eat...not much but it was better than nothing...and i felt much better. Thank goodness. I really wasn't much good to mother being so dizzy, all i wanted to do was sleep/lay down.

It is early morning and i'm still up, though i am getting ready for bed. Tim and i spent the evening and wee hours together, doing the things we do...and we just parted company. I took down all of the garbage and made some ice cubes and tidied up the kitchen a tiny bit, then called him to say goodnight (again) and now here i am.

Going to catch up on your blogs before i lay down. Wish i could have seen some of your night tables but i totally understand why those of you didn't participate. I am a curious person, by nature and it would have been fun. Maybe next time, eh? ps...i didn't straighten out my table, it is always pretty tidy and somewhat dusty....but i'm working on that.

Crusty, i loved your comments on the pic!

A challenge

2008-09-07T03:35:00.005-04:00

So over on Little Wanderers blog the other day i noticed she had issued a challenge, one that sounded fun to me, so i decided to participate.

The challenge was this...

1. Without cleaning up, take a photo of the floor on your side of the bed or your nightstand, wherever you collect things.

2. Tell us the 'to do' list associated with it.

3. Come back here and let me know you've decided to play along.

4. Do this all by Saturday September 6th (ooops i just noticed there was a time limit, i'm late...does it still count?)

So above is my pic because i cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to get the photo below my text (i am hopeless)...

In the photo is my radio/docking station with my iPOD, full of music which i can never listen to (it annoys my mother)...behind it is the first teddy bear that Tim gave me with an arrangement of lovely flowers... the 'to do' part is...if you look closely, there is one pill at the forefront which i must take each day at dinner time...the pills to the right of there, at the side of the radio are also pills i must take each day (all of the rest of them are in a case on the shelf below) ...there is a book...or rather there should be a book on the top of the table, one i'm meant to be reading but it has fallen to the back and i haven't picked it up yet.

Anyway, that's my contribution to the bit of fun...i hope you'll play along too. Incidentally, Little Wanderer took photos of the top of her fridge and another desk...i stopped at the one. I liked doing this though, kind of gave me a little project to do today...if only i'd been paying attention to the deadline.

Let's remove the deadline...let me know if you play along, k.

I'm baaaack

2008-09-06T16:27:00.002-04:00

I still haven't had a nap...but i'm going to just as soon as i am done this post.

I just finished playing some canasta with Tim....he beat me two games. I think we'll have to go back to playing some chess...i've had more luck with that game of late.

It's still rainy here and i feel like making some soup, so i might make a soup that i saw made earlier on PBS. It was called pasta fagoli (spelling?) and it seems it basically soup made with diced tomatoes, beans and tortellini. I don't have any tortellini but i do have some itty bitty frozen ravioli so i'll cheat and use that instead...it's just such a perfect day for soup.

So far today i've done some tidying up, dishes and vacumming. Oh and i also cleaned the bathroom sink and toilet (ugh!)...but as yet, i haven't felt like doing any laundry. I don't know why...i'd be more apt to do it if i didn't have to look presentable to go out and do it. I have a bad case of bedhead and i just don't feel like doing anything about it...so laundry can wait me thinks.

Hopefully you are all enjoying the day...i notice more than a couple of you haven't been blogging as often...just want you to know i miss you...you know who you are.

Oh...and i'll get to the challenge that i am taking part in later...stay tuned for that.

Off to nap...ciao.

A rainy Saturday morning, purrrfect for a nap

2008-09-06T10:52:00.003-04:00

It's a rainy Saturday morning. I'm awake early and feeling okay. I can live with 'okay'...in fact i'm quite thrilled to...when i think of the alternatives...it's just fine to be okay.

Had a good sleep i think and so far i have only the slightest hint of a headache. I think the low-dose steroids are helping. I finished another cycle of temodar and now will follow that up with labs and scans. It was a bit of a rough week but i made it through, hurray for me.

Mother has come around and is in 'better spirits', thank goodness. I spent some time away from her yesterday but not much. She wasn't feeling well and pleaded with me not to leave her alone. When i'm cooking dinner, i have to be near the kitchen...so i stayed there for a while, watched some tv and left her alone. She did fine, she always does...she just fusses a bit.

After dinner i had to nap, i was so tired from lack of sleep. I've been awake about an hour now and already i'm feeling sleepy. I was going to call Tim but i won't call and wake him just to tell him i am going back to sleep....i'll call him when i get up.

When i get up there is laundry waiting to be done...and i need to vacuum this place, it's a mess. Then i have a challenge to post to my blog...but more about that later.

Off i go for a wee morning nap.

Just a quick note

2008-09-05T14:25:00.003-04:00

Had a miserable night last night...mostly due to mother.

Okay so the Temodar isn't helping, i know but mother was full of vinegar last night and took it out on me. Who else, she'd dare not talk to or treat my sister the way she does me. I am her doormat. I know you've heard it all before so i will spare you the details...but i didn't get much sleep if any at all...so i am tired and feel just plain lousy. It could be worse, i know...so i am thankful to be up and out of bed, here typing.

It is the last day of treatment, i am thankful for that too. I will rest later...a nap is definitely in the cards for me.

Ouch it hurts

2008-09-03T03:56:00.003-04:00

Saturday night i ended up in the emergency room. I had a rather serious headache which scared me. The pain was unbearable and it just suddenly came on, which worried me even more...so i called the doctor on call, who suggested i get to the hospital right away to be seen.

While there they gave me morphine for the pain and did a lab workup as well as a scan. Long story short there was some swelling of my brain. They decided to put me on a course of steroids and sent me home to rest. They did want to keep me in overnight but i really needed to get back home to mother. I knew she was worried about me and so i was adamant. Sunday i slept all day and most of the night too. I get so scared at times like that, i wonder if my end is near.

Other than that an uneventful Labour day weekend. Sunday we ordered some Chinese food for dinner, which was yummy. I was thankful i didn't have to cook as so was my sister, who quite often cooks a big Sunday meal.

Monday i started another cycle of temodar. I was quite sick and spent more of that day and night in bed too. I remember watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 at some point but other than that, the evening was a blur.

Tonight i have a terrible headache. I'm in pain. I achel all over. I worry and i wonder if that makes it worse. For some reason too my neck and shoulders are so tight. I feel tense. I am wracked with pain and worry.

Worry because i got a message from my sister Lane today, eluding to the fact that something was wrong. She isn't ready to tell me what so i feel like she's left me dangling, worrying...but if she isn't ready to disclose the reason, i have no choice but to wait until she is. Granter, she is a grown woman but still i worry about her. I think it is natural to worry about a sibling who is obviously going through something at the moment. I know it's not her health or the health of either of her two children....which is a relief...but as i said, i'll just have to wait to find out.

Well i think i'll read some blogs then head to bed. I hope i can sleep. I have groceries being delivered in the morning. So happy about that. Tomorrow, assuming i am well enough, i will make a potato and pasta salad to go with some sirloin steaks. Hopefully i get it done.

Goodnight all.

Happy, happy...joy, joy

2008-08-30T04:03:00.002-04:00

So Friday i had my doctors appointment. I had my alarm set early enough to get up, get myself ready, feed mother and tidy up a bit before leaving. Unfortunately, none of that happened.

My appointment was for 10.30am...i woke up at 10.10am. Ahhhh. That meant a quick brush of my teeth, a brush across my head(with a bit of water to try to fix my bedhead) and a quick 'i'm sorry' to mother for not having time to make her breakfast (she did not want just cereal)...thankfully she didn't give me a hard time about it...said she wasn't very hungry anyway and would wait until i got home. Whew! I called a taxi and flew out the door.

I slept in mainly because i'd been up most of the night with anxiety. I thought i was okay but i usually stress out with these appointments...i was worried. Turned out i needn't have been. Everything was good news. My labs were good...quite good, my oncologist was pleased...and when we went over the scans, he said there was a 'signifigant reduction in my tumor'...i was so happy and relieved that i sobbed...uncontrollably. The news just allowed me to release all the pent up anxiety. It took me some time to get myself together again but i did and i was so happy...i could hardly wait to get home to share the news with Tim and my mother.

Tim was very happy when we spoke. I think he was relieved too. It was nice to have some good news between us.

The only thing that caused me to be down was a painful headache. While at the doctors, he gave me a shot of morphine. It helped take the edge off definitely but by the time i got home, i was ready for bed. Tim hasn't been feeling well so after we spoke for a while, each of us decided to nap. My nap lasted until 3.30pm. I really needed it and felt better for it but my headache persisted.

I had a bit of laundry to do so got dressed (i undressed and got into my jammies upon returning from my appointment, i like to be comfortable for my naps...usually) and threw in two loads. I'd promised my sister i'd do the loads which had the shower curtains in...she wanted them washed so she could iron and then re-hang them after she cleaned the bathroom. While all of that was washing and drying, Tim and i played some chess. He beat me, as usual.

After the laundry was done, Tim went back to lay down...i folded and put away the laundry and got changed again...to lay down. My mother massaged my head for me for a few minutes but my head has been super sensitive lately and so i didn't want it done for long.

For the past few days we'd been talking about me going to get some more groceries. I was willing to go but really wasn't feeling up to it. I still wasn't but got a bee in my bonnet and decided to go. So up i got, back into some clothes and off i went.

It is a long weekend here...the last weekend of the summer...so i thought the grocery store would be packed. It wasn't so bad. I didn't go until 7.30pm ...we were to have a late dinner when i got back. I shopped and got some meat and veggies for the coming days...and picked up the ingredients to make some spaghetti sauce for Saturdays dinner. I picked up some chickent cutlets too..to make a sort of chicken parmigiana...and also picked up two loaves of garlic bread. I thought about picking up a salad but in the end i forgot. Oh well..we've got plenty. I am sure it will be yummy.

When i got back i got everything put away...i was pooped and it was so hot and sticky outside, which only made me feel sort of cranky. I was fine once i got into the air conditioned apartment though...it didn't take me long to cool off.

As i put stuff away i boiled some eggs for egg salad and put some soup on for mom. It was just a simple dinner tonight...those are nice to have from time to time. Later we thought of ordering out for pizza but decided to wait until Sunday night...when we'll order in some Chinese food. I can hardly wait.

So i've just spent a couple of hours playing some canasta with Tim. He has gone to bed and here i sit blogging. I am off to bed as soon as i finish typing this....which is now.

Goodnight...or good morning...or afternoon...or whatever (by the time you read this)...enjoy your weekend!

Early morning

2008-08-29T05:53:00.003-04:00

It's early morning and so far i've been unable to get back to sleep. I have slept off and on all evening...getting up out of bed only to play some games with Tim.

I feel nervous...i have a doctors appointment this morning, to check up on my scans and lab works and to find out what's next. It should be fine but i am a worrier by nature.

I will blog after i get back...better try to get a couple of hours of sleep.

I'm back

2008-08-26T12:55:00.002-04:00

Back from my scan finally. They were pretty busy and i had to wait my turn. I thought about going to the emergency room while there because i'm in such pain but i guess i feel like it's not really an emergency it's just par for the course.

I am going to take some oxy and lay down, right after i'm finished making mother's lunch. She had a hard time deciding what she wanted today then finally settled on some hard boiled eggs with pickled pepper slices too. Not very appetizing for me but i'm not the one who has to eat it.

I hope i feel better when i get up...my nephew has the laundry sitting in the hall, waiting for me to do it...just left there as if to say 'do the laundry today'....but today won't be the day it gets done after all...it will wait. If he doesn't like it he'll have to do it himself.

Back to the kitchen then to my bed.

Ooops i forgot

2008-08-26T10:21:00.002-04:00

So a new day has dawned. I awoke soaking wet this morning...i was drenched. Had to bathe and change my nightclothes. I felt fine other than that....or rather i did...but i have a headache now and i'm aching all over.

I need to get the laundry done and of course the garbage needs to go down and so does all of the recycling and mother needs to be bathed and fed but right now i feel like doing none of it. I will do something though...have to, it waits for me.

It looks like a beautiful day out there...bright blue skies and not too warm. Fall is in the air...the nights have been getting cooler and it's just about time for the children to go back to school. Here they don't go back until after Labour day weekend...so i think they go back Tuesday. As i've said before, the summer has just flown by.

I forgot to mention that yesterday morning i went to have my lab work done. Well i forgot i was supposed to get my scan done too, my doctors office just called to remind me...so now i have to rush out and do that. I don't want to go out..i want to lay down.

I will go now and get it over with though....then i see my doctor on Friday...so we'll see how things are and what is next.

Off i go...

ps to the chess reference

2008-08-26T01:39:00.002-04:00

...i forgot that on Sunday i beat Tim two times.....................twice in a row.

It did.......it happened...and i didn't imagine it, honest!

ps...i love you Tim

Just some stuff

2008-08-26T01:15:00.002-04:00

Well...the week flew by and my sister is back home. She arrived home on Friday. It is good to have her back.

It's been relatively uneventful in these parts the last few days but yesterday (when i say yesterday i mean Sunday because of course it is Tuesday as i post this) was a bad day for me. I was in such pain and took my oxy's but it just didn't help. It's days like that that scare me so much. Perhaps that is normal...the fear i mean. I guess i feel it is. I don't know if it's healthy though. Do you think it is? Do you think it is normal for me to worry...Lord knows i have such worries...but don't we all. None of us knows how much longer we have on this earth, do we.

The thing i'm trying to do is to make the most of each day...as best i can. I'm not one for skydiving or jumping off cliffs. I don't think i need to feel the thrill of danger to feel alive. Cancer is danger enough for me, it's all i can handle right now. Do you know what i mean? I am just trying to live my life day by day and getting through the pain and sickness the only way i know how...one step at a time...it's all i can do.

On a happier note...my hairdresser came to the house today to do our hair, mothers and mine. Mother has been wanting a perm for the longest time and kept putting it off. Today she finally got it done and then had it styled. It looks so nice and turned out so curly...almost as nice and Cheryl's. I had mine cut and streaked with the cap. Often we do it with just the foils but this time we used the cap. We normally go with the foils because the cap is quite tight on the head and causes me quite a bit of pain. Today was no different but i sat through it...all in the name of beauty. So my hair is blondish and it looks nice. I had my hair dark for the fall and winter when i had some...and i'm so fortunate to have some now...so for the summer i went blonde. I enjoy it and somehow it cheers me up. It's kind of short (of course) and spikey with longish bangs. Sounds weird but it looks nice...kind of like Kate's hair on Jon and Kate plus 8 (for those of you who watch that show...i just love it, their children are darling and they seem like such loving, patient parents.

Wow...i am all over the place today...my mind is going a mile a minute.

I am online with Tim as i type this...we are talking as i am typing...he is watching Big Brother after Dark on a channel i don't get and filling me in on all that is going on. It's so much fun because we're both fans and can dish about the show...and he finds out stuff earlier than is aired on the show...fun! since i am so impatient to know things.

I think i am doing remarkably well...talking..typing..commenting...i'm so proud of myself..woohoo.

Off i go to play some chess...perchance to beat my Tim...it is a rarity but it has happened....wish me luck.

An Award...thank you Gabriel

2008-08-25T01:20:00.003-04:00

On August 18th Gabriel of Live from Waterloo chose me as one recipient of this award. Thank you Gabriel, i am sorry it has taken me this long to post about it.

Here are the rules,

1. Only five people are to receive this award.

2. Four of them are followers of your blog

3. One has to be new to your blog and live in another part of the world.

4. You must link back to the person who gave you this award.

Now i have to choose five blog friends to pass this along to. I have chosen the following.

Cheryl at Ladeda (USA)

Mary at Pathways (USA)

Jessica at Daysgoby (Canada)

CJM-R at MyPersonalLens (USA)

Punxxi at NeverGonnaBePC (UK)

If it were my choice i'd give it to all of you...thank you all for reading my blog.

Jamie

Here comes the food

2008-08-17T19:35:00.004-04:00

It happened. Somehow, someway...it happened.

Mother, who'd been giving me the mostly silent treatment, began to talk to me. It happened slowly at first...then she became quite a chatty Cathy. Sure it was the wee hours of the morning. Yes it meant she was interrupting my conversation with Tim...but it happened.

And then...by total surprise, she broached the subject of food/groceries. There were things she wanted at a local bakery here...did i feel like going. Sure i said. What will we do about groceries, she asked. Hmmm, i said...could we order online? Yes she said...what will we get. And so it started..i logged onto the on to GroceryGateway and began making up an order. It has been the greatest thing, this online grocery store. As i added things to the list, i talked with mother, who was on the bed behind me, watching the Olympic coverage, trying to make her feel a part of the process. A bone of contention for her has always been that i buy what i want. Well to a certain degree that is true because i am the one who cooks the meals so i try, as best i can, to plan at least some meals in advance....and have ingredients for other possible choices...so she's right in that regard but i need some room to change things up.

Got everything ordered and even remembered the laundry soap, hooray for me. It will all be delivered tomorrow morning between 9-11am. Then i got myself tidied up and dressed and got ready to go to Zarky's. There, i picked up some mini pizzas, rolls and sausage rolls, yummy...they make nice sausage rolls. A few other things and i was on my way back home. I was gone less than an hour, probably only 30 mins or so a nd she stayed alone...so it can be done.

I told her so. Gosh she hates when i'm right.

Well, i'm getting a break from cooking tonight, we're ordering in some food. Should be good...we're watching the Olympic coverage until 8pm when Big Brother 10 comes on...looking forward to that.

Off i go...

What a beauty!

2008-08-17T00:45:00.001-04:00

Perfect little rain drops

2008-08-17T00:44:00.000-04:00

A rain soaked beauty

2008-08-17T00:36:00.001-04:00

Fully, completely

2008-08-17T00:01:00.002-04:00

So my sister left today. Gone for six days. I feel down. I wish it were me gone from this place. Listen to me, i say this place like i hate it. I don't...but i feel like i don't belong here any more. Is that silly? I like to think it's not.

So off S went to dog sit. She'll work Monday and Tuesday and take the rest of the week off. Good thing, it's her birthday on Wednesday, so she'll have some time to relax. Relax, who am i kidding...she hardly ever relaxes, she is almost always on the go, doing something...God bless her.

I, myself am quite happy to do nothing. Too happy sometimes.

Today has been a strange day. I should have gone out and got some groceries but mother is fighting that. It's a long story really but in lieu of contributing to the rent, utilities, etc here...she buys the groceries. Or has been. My sister felt this was a fair way for her to contribute. Mother agreed. Now she is balking at the whole notion. She says she spends way too much and she's fed up. She is also fed up with buying particular items, ie; skim milk for my sister, soya milk (also for my sister)..Tang (my nephew drinks the bulk of it but i do enjoy it sometimes)...cat food and kitty litter (they aren't her cats)...etc etc.

Well, she told me this the other day and i was like...WHAT? What am i supposed to do..just buy what she wants. How selfish. I kept most of my inner comments to myself...but later spoke to my sister about it. I informed her that mother no longer wanted to purchase said items. S was furious....after all, she and i don't get to pick and choose when we pay rent/hydro/phone..etc.

I felt stuck in the middle, she said, she said. Ahhhhhhh. I know i sort of put myself in a bad spot going to my sister but i had to tell her. She'd have expected me to come home with her things from the grocery store and i wouldn't be, according to mother.

When i informed mother that i'd told my sister. She called me a troublemaker and a tattletale. She accused me of stirring up trouble. Ugh. Mother drives me insane and wastes no situation in which she can make mean comments about me. You'd think i'd be used to this. I am not.

So her bottom line was, she wasn't going to buy any groceries, at all. None.

Fine. So i wasn't going to have an outing today. There is very little in the way of milk or bread or potatoes...no laundry soap, low on toilet tissue. You get the picture.

Thing is, i'm in a financial bind right now. My doing. Totally my doing. So i can't just rush out and buy groceries myself, as i have been doing prior to this happening (again...yes again...this situation keeps happening)...so what to do.

As all of you know, it's hard to make breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks umpteen times a day for a woman who is very particular...without ingredients.

So i will make do, somehow until such time that she changes her mind.

Don't get me wrong. We won't starve but we won't be having meat, potatoes and two to three vegetables (which is what she expects) each meal. We'll be having eggs (til they run out)..oven fries and chicken nuggets (which i guiltily enjoy from time to time so keep in the freezer)...oh i'll think of things to have..........and she'll utter the dreaded "yuk" to everything i make...but if she won't be buying groceries, she'll have to grin and bear it.

Is she capable of that. Nope. She is the most unhappy, negative person you'd ever meet. It makes me sad, yes. But i am trying my hardest not to let it get me down. I'm fighting to keep my head above water too.

So it's been a strange day, indeed.

As i type this, mother is making a list. A list of possible groceries? I don't know. She asks me certain things...what brand is this, do we have that. I answer as politely as i can.... but if she wants me to go shopping sometime tomorrow, she'll be left alone and she never wants that. So what now.

Just trying to keep sane here.

Fully, completely.

Trouble at the henhouse

2008-08-16T14:20:00.003-04:00

Gosh, what a terrible post that last one was...i apologize for that. I was really in a bad way....things are better, thank God!

I finished my temodar last week and now have some time off of it. It was rough going but i'm doing better. The thing about being treated at home is...now i'm home. No excuses/reason to have to go out. I'll see my doctor soon though and see how things are coming along.

It has been a rough week with mother though..more of the same as usual. Her being difficult and stubborn and yes even hurtful. With Tim's love and support i am getting through it. Only thing is, my sister is going away today. She is dog-sitting for her eldest son and his family as they go off to stay at a summer cottage. She won't be back home until Friday, so i won't have her hear to talk to and keep company with. The way mother has been, i really don't want to be around her too much if i can help it. Of course, for the most part, i can't help it...we share a bedroom and my computer is here...so i'm trying to let her snide comments roll right off my back...but they're not, not really...but i'm fighting it.

Tim has gone golfing today with his brother and his young son...so i will catch up on some blogging and then have a nap..i feel so tired.

Well...that's all for now...i'll pop round to see you all now..i can't wait to get there.

Jamie

2008-08-08T06:05:00.002-04:00

Where i hurt.... my head, my body, my heart, my spirit.

Am i doomed?

Blathering on...and on... and on

2008-08-08T04:36:00.004-04:00

I've had a day of pain today. Almost unbearable pain. Make me cry pain. This is when i am at my worst. The fear inside me rises and i feel terrified that my end is near. It takes over...i've been crying off and on all day...which only makes my headache worse. I tried to stop. I laid down countless times but could not sleep. When i did manage to get a bit of sleep...i had terrible dreams. My mind would just not rest.

This afternoon Tim and i watched some video footable about a former hospital in Louisville that treated tuberculosis patience. In the footage they talked about and showed what was called a death tunnel, which they used to transport dead people from the hospital, so as not to cause unessecary upset to the patience. When i i did manage to sleep a bit this afternoon, i dreamt i was wheeling down that dark tunnel and when i woke i was so frightened. It felt so real...i saw myself going down that tunnel. It scared me.

I guess i really haven't come to terms with the very real possibility that i could die. I need to do that. I accept that it could happen and that it could happen at any time...but some days, when i am having a good day, i manage to forget i am sick... and it's wonderful. Otherwise i seem to live in fear. It is not a good place to be.

I guess ever since i got sick some ten years ago i didnt realize what i was in for. Lots of stuff was going on in my life. I had been raped and only after an examination due to that, did they find a mass in my stomach. I was diagnosed with gastric cancer. Several years later that cancer metatasized to my brain. I was so busy living my life day to day that i just dealt with it the best i could. I was reeling from the rape and another traumatic incident that the cancer has almost always seemed secondary. It still does. Mother comes first. I know it's crazy but its pretty much true.

I wasn't one of those people that upon being diagnosed...decided to live life to the fullest. I didn't make a list of things that i wanted to do. I didn't set out to accomplish anything else but survive.

I think i've done a good job of that so far. It will be ten years in January that i have been battling cancer and i am still alive to talk about it. I am fairly productive...though i don't hold down a job, i look after my mother to the best of my abilities. Sure she complains. I hear all about the fact that i sleep too much, that i don't do enough around here to help my sister (in the cleaning department) but i do quite a lot, all things considered.

When my mother was in her own home, with her then husband (technically my step-father but i never viewed him as such) i did my best for both of them. I moved in to take care of her, then him after he had a stroke even though i detested the man because he molested me when i was a young girl. Still i looked after both of them. I was the one in the family not working (because i was ill) and didn't have a family to look after so it fell to me. I had a home i maintained financially, etc while living there too. I know...most if not all of you will say i was just being a doormat. I was silly for taking all of this on and i'm worse than silly for not getting out now. But as her daughter (not her natural daughter, but i was raised as such, just not treated as such) i took my duties very seriously.

I still do. But my heart is no longer in it. My heart and soul long to be with Tim. I need to find a way to make that happen.

God help me, i need to do it soon.

Wednesdays words

2008-08-07T01:39:00.002-04:00

Well the mystery about my missing profile continues. I think (but i'm not positive) that this happened over on my other blog which is why, in part, i think i moved it here. Now it has happened again and i am perplexed because i don't know what i did but would like to know so that i don't do it again, should i move again.

It's just so frustrating not having a brain in proper working condition...or maybe i'm just a ditz and mess things up from time to time...which case, i cannot blame my tumor for that, can i.

I had a rather good day today. My third day of temodar and i have some sick times but otherwise i am functioning. I am thankful that i am not having to spend tons of time in bed because of it. Don't get me wrong...i'm tired most of the time and so i do take frequent naps but at least i am not bedridden. Thank God for that.

Today Tim went golfing with his brother and nephew. I am so glad he's been going most Wednesday with them. Last week they started out to play but the weather was iffy so they went to a movie instead. Today they played a full course and it sounded like they had a good time. Afterwards they went out for dinner to a Mexican restaurant which Tim said was very good. He didn't get home until after 8pm so he was gone most of the day. I missed him but i kept myself busy, when i wasn't napping that is.

I had a nap after i made mother her lunch and tidied up the kitchen and did the dishes. I set my alarm to wake me up 4pm. I was up and down during my nap, getting sick. I felt rough for a while there but it passed and i was able to get some sleep eventually. I awoke before the alarm went off, feeling much better and decided i'd get a start on dinner. I made a hamburger stew for the ladies which i would would have over rice. I know...kind of weird but my mom fancied rice and i wanted some too...just some plain white rice for me.

As the stew was simmering away, i decided to get together a couple of loads of laundry. I guess you could say i was feeling energetic...but more to the point, i was missing Tim and needed to do something to occupy myself, otherwise i sit and almost watch the clock, wondering when he'll get home.

It wasn't long before it was after 5pm and my sister came home from work. She'd left work early today because she had an appointment, then visited an elderly lady that she visits regularly for the VON (the Victorian Order of Nurses) as a volunteer. She was in a good mood and said dinner smelled yummy. By that time i was feeling somewhat nauseous again and wasn't enjoying it at all.

I got the laundry all done and folded and put away, then finished up making dinner. The ladies seemed to enjoy it...and i had a nice bowl of rice with a few brown beans. After dinner my sister did the dishes and i laid down in bed to watch some tv. I was feeling so tired again and needed to rest.

By that time it was 8pm and So You Think You Can Dance was on. AMerica's Greatest Dog was on at the same time but i set that to record and dozed during Dance. It's a good show but it just couldn't keep me awake. At some point after that Tim called to let me know he was home. It was so good to hear from him...he told me a bit about his game and dinner then he let me go to go lay down himself. Soon after i set my alarm again and dozed off.

At 9.30 my alarm went off but i still felt very tired so i just laid there, watching tv. Mother had Dog the Bounty Hunter on...i couldn't get into that so went into the living room to see what my sister was watching. I saw the last bit of Dance and then we watched Primtime while i rubbed my sister neck and shoulders. She had a headache and needed it..i was glad to help out. It's nice too when she does me but i was feeling fine so just did her.

After that show was over i made ice...my twice daily ritual (i would LOVE an ice maker) which i don't mind doing because i love my iced water...tidied up the kitchen, put the dinner dishes away and went to my room and laid down again.

Soon after that Tim called and we agreed to meet online and play some games...we played for a bit then i remembered mother wanted a bath. So we stopped playing and i went to bathe mother...after i was done, Tim decided he was pooped and wanted to go to bed. I can certainly feel for him there...i'm tired too but thought i'd blog before i got back into bed, this time for the night.

I'm looking forward to the Dance finale tomorrow night as well as eviction night on Big Brother...oh and the last episdoe of Hopkins...it's been an excellent medical series...i have two peidsodes that i haven't even watched yet, i'm saving them...maybe i'll even watch one when i go to bed now.

Off i go...hope each of you had a great day.

Jamie

Blog help please

2008-08-06T01:42:00.000-04:00

I am wondering if anyone can help me. I just noticed a few minutes ago that my profile is no long appearing on my blog. I checked for it and can't seem to find it anywhere. What am i doing that it could just disappear. Is there a setting somewhere that i've unchecked, i don't know...i am confused. So confused.

Help.

A quick word

2008-08-05T18:05:00.002-04:00

It was a long weekend here...it ended up being a nice, relaxing weekend. Monday i started my treatment with Temodar. So far it has made me quite sick. I will take it for five days then be off of it for the next 23 days, then start another cycle.

Mother has been in a better mood bordering on good the last few days. One day i went for groceries, i can't remember what day right now...and another day i did some shopping at Walmart. Their paper products are much cheaper than they are at the grocery store where i shop...i'm sure i've mentioned that before. It was hot here on the weekend but today it is pouring rain. Everything is so green, it's nice.

I am in pain and sick...so i think i'll go lay down. I've put dinner on and now my sister will keep an eye on it and will call me when it's done so i can serve mother hers. I don't know why but my sister really doesn't like to do that....it's ok though, i don't mind so much...i just hope i don't fall asleep.

I've been watching Wipeout on Tuesdays, it's a bit of fun...so that's on tonight as is the Japanese game show one...the name of that escappes me. Big Brother is on tonight too..i hope i can stay awake...i think i'll dvr it, just in case.

I hope you are enjoying your Tuesday...see you at your blogs soon.

Jamie

It just hurts

2008-08-01T02:46:00.002-04:00

I am just out of a nice, warm bath. I enjoy a nice soak late at night...and now was when i had the energy to do it. I feel nice and clean and womanly but sad....here's why.

Thursday was not a very good day on the homefront. It really started on Wednesday.

Mother hadn't been feeling well that day and was sitting on the commode chair, throwing up. She asked me to hold the little bucket that she was being sick in. I couldn't, i just couldn't. I'd have been sick too...i don't know why but i get squeamish about that stuff. Things haven't been the same since. She told me i am cruel. She called me all sorts of names that i will not repeat, mostly because they came from a foul mouth. She also told me next time the phone rang and it was Tim, that she would answer it (she NEVER answers the phone) and tell him how horrible i am, etc. She went on and on. It really gets to me, the things my mother says about me. Not taking into account that i am ill and still care for her as best i can...but that i am her 'daughter' and she still says such mean and cruel things to me.

I let it get to me. I feel down and depressed. I mean if your own mother thinks and says such things, what must others think...what does Tim think. Her words niggle away at me...i try to stop them. I have tried all my life to fight her words...but i am weak and they sink in and i sink further and further inside myself.

That was Wednesday. Thursday wasn't much better. The barrage of nastiness continued and try as i might to put on a brave face, to show her her meaness wasn't affecting me...it was.

The thing is...i find it hard to talk about with Tim. I feel ashamed that my 'mother' would say such things and in the vernacular that she uses (mostly curse words). She calls me a goody-goody because i feel like a lady shouldn't swear. I am not perfect and i have uttered them...in fact i did today and it only made me feel worse, that i sunk to her level...but she gets to me...and i let her.

It's tearing me apart. I am crying as i type this. I can't stop the tears, she hurts me, she always has and here i am for her. Am i a fool.

In other news, i saw my doctor on Wednesday morning. My iron levels are low, which may well be part of the reason why i sleep so much lately. The good news is that my tumor is slow-growing and so he has decided to treat me at home, with temodar. Five days on it and then 23 off. I am happy. To be able to be in the comfort of home will be good...i think.

Tuesday evening

2008-07-29T23:33:00.004-04:00

It is 11.33pm on this Tuesday night. I just tidied up my room and i am waiting to bathe my mother. She often wants to bathe at odd hours, which doesn't bother me too much because i often feel better later in the day and into the wee hours.

We have the air on but yet i feel warm...i believe i have a temperature but typing that has reminded me yet again that i keep forgetting to pick up a thermometer. I will try to remember to do that tomorrow when i am out. I have to see my doctor in the morning, to see how i am doing and to have labs done, including a urine sample. It is supposed to rain tomorrow and for the next few days. I won't mind going out in the rain, in fact i kind of enjoy it.

Had a fun evening of watching tv with my sister and mom and frequent phone calls to Tim during Big Brother. The people on that show drive me insane but since it seems no one watches, i won't go on about it. One of the shows we watched was Celebrity Family Feud...which pits celebrities and their families against each other. We enjoyed it but i wonder if it is just a summertime show. It is hosted by Al Roker, who is entertaining in his own way but i do like when John O'Hurley hosts...for those of you who don't know him by name, he played Mr Peterman on Seinfeld. He is a fun host.

I know quite a few of you are gardeners...what are you growing? Do any of you have vegetables? I wish i could grow things like peppers and cucumbers and even eggplants. I do so love eggplants. Have you ever breaded eggplant and eaten it on a sandwich, yummy. I'll have to pick up a couple and make loads because it freezes really well...and is also yummy to have as a meat replacement with spaghetti...eggplant parmigiana, yum!

Well mother is ready for her bath now so i'll post this and post again tomorrow. Been to most of your blogs...though i found two or was it three that had been taken down. I'm sorry i missed out on why...or if they've gone somewhere else. Let me know if you are reading this.

Jamie

Sunshining Tuesday

2008-07-29T08:45:00.002-04:00

It feels like it's going to be another hot one here in Southern Ontario today. I was just out on our balcony, checking in on our plants, including our tomato plants...and the sun is hot. The tomato plants aren't doing well. We did plant them late and they are pretty big but we have no flowers on them, so no tomatoes. We have been feeding and watering them...and when i say 'we' i mean my sister has...the balcony is the smoking area for my sister and her son. I rarely go out there for that reason. I'm a fussy non-smoker and really don't like the smells associated with it...but this morning i snuck out there.

I woke up early this morning. I am not on treatment right now due to an infection...so my days are my own. It is nice to wake up and not have somewhere to go. I'm a real lazy person in that way...but today, as i said, i am awake early. I went to bed early last night because i wasn't feeling well. The sleep did me a world of good but i do have the headache still. I just did some dishes from last nights snacks...got some fresh water and ice for both mother and i and have settled down in front of my new computer to type this.

Yes, last week i splurged and got a new computer. I won't bore you with any of it except to say i am happy with it and it came with a tv tuner which will allow me to watch any tv shows that my mother isn't interested in. I could also watch with Tim when we are together online, which could be fun. We are both fans of Big Brother and various other tv shows.

Speaking of tv shows, for any of you dog lovers out there, have you been watching America's Greatest Dog? It's on CBS on Wednesdat at 8pm and i highly recommend it, it's a lot of fun and is like Big Brother for dogs. The one man that i really liked was voted off last week and i missed the episode so i didn't get to see it. I'll be watching this week though.

Are all of you busy with summertime stuff and not watching tv? I have a feeling that you all are busy...what has been keeping you busy?

Well i am finally off to read your blogs, see you there.

Jamie

Here i am again

2008-07-25T13:14:00.002-04:00

I am really feeling like my old self again these days. The shock and sadness over losing my aunt and the impact of all of that has lessened but only just. It is not that we were terribly close, i'm sad to say...but i did feel her loss. As a child, my family and hers were often together and i guess i've been mourning her and thinking about those days. Such is life.

Tim has been wonderful throughout...being loving and caring and spending as much time as possible together. What a wonderful man he is. We've been playing together online still...our latest games of choice, chess and canasta. Thank goodness for Pogo...we spend countless hours there, playing and talking voice....sometimes talking up a storm and other times one or the other or sometimes both of us are quiet...but it's okay because we are together.

He has been puppysitting for his brother's dog the last little while and it has been so neat to hear him interact with her. Her is Millie and he sent me some photos of her, i forget what kind of dog she is (sorry, my memory is being affected as of late, darn tumor) ...she is darling but a bit of a handful apparently. She is also a bed hog and poor Tim hasn't been getting a lot of sleep. Today she went home, so maybe he'll take a nap when i do.

On Monday i started a new schedule for my chemo....and today i went in for treatment only to be told i couldn't have it, due to an infection of my bladder, as it turns out. I'd been sick yesterday, could barely get out of bed...well, quite honestly i didn't get out of bed much at all yesterday. I slept and slept. To say i was tired is an understatement, i was just plain exhausted...chemo just really has this way of taking it out of you. My appetite comes and goes...sometimes i barely eat and other times i can and do. I've noticed a difference in my memory and so has my doctor. They do some tests on me to test me as far as memory and recall, etc. He isn't surprised that i am struggling to come up with words. I've told him that i blog but have gotten away from it lately and why...he suggested i resume as it would be good for me to work my brain...so here i am. Please forgive me if i make mistakes with my words...if i use the wrong ones...or maybe even something might not make sense...we'll see what happens. I'll do my best not to let it show...wherever possible.

Well i am tried so i am going to lay down for a nap...i will write again soon...and soon i hope to stop by all of your blogs and check in with you, i've really missed reading you.

Jamie

Hello again

2008-07-13T05:34:00.002-04:00

Time seems to be passing me by so quickly. I can hardly believe it is almost the middle of July already...the summer is flying by. Perhaps that is because i really haven't been out much. Not that i usually am...but i am in the throes of chemo and the thoughts of being out in the hot humid weather make me feel even worse. Instead i am hibernating in my air conditioned bedroom with my computer where i can spend time with Tim or in my bed watching, what else, the GSN (the Game Show Network, for those of you who are unfamiliar).

Most of Friday and Saturday i spent the days and nights in bed or in the bathroom, vomiting. Not pleasant to talk about, i'm sorry...but this is my reality right now. I haven't had much of an appeitite but right now i am craving something cold...i just don't know what.

Since i slept most of the day and evening i didn't get to spend much time with Tim. I miss him when i'm not with him, hearing his voice. We just finished playing some canasta and chess. We are each off to bed, i just thought i'd write a few words to keep up with all of you. Tomorrow i intend on popping by your blogs in the hopes of catching up with you...it's been so long. I am sorry about that but i know you understand and i thank you for that.

I think i'll grab a popsicle or two and head back to bed with a magazine...i hope you all are well.

Jamie

A quick word

2008-06-28T04:59:00.003-04:00

I apologize profusely for those of you who have been wondering and worrying about me.

We recently had a death in the family that hit very close to home, it was a cancer related death and it really has me down.

So i am okay but not doing well emotionally at this time. I just don't feel i have anything worthwhile to say. I am beginning my treatment on Monday so have to hunker down while that gets underway and i'm really not feeling like i can face it this time. I'm tired all of the time and struggling....i hope you understand.

I will be back soon. Thank you so much for thinking about me, i truly do appreciate it.

Bye for now.

Water on ice and blogging...

2008-05-18T01:06:00.003-04:00

Late Saturday night and i am bored and lonely. Tim was tired and went to bed for a nap earlier...i miss him but hate to call and wake him...instead i am waiting for him to wake up and call me. So i am sitting here with my ever-present glass of ice water, blogging...i've missed sharing my thoughts...so it's nice to get back into the swing of things.

I had a rather lazy day today, mostly watching tv. I have got to tell you, in such a short period of time i am really enjoying this digital tv stuff, especially GSN ..the Game Show Network. If you are a fan of game shows as my mother and i are, you'll love it too. We've watched it almost all day today. It's fun because it's interactive...and sort of keeps you thinking. There are quite a few games shows on there that i've heard of but even more that i haven't. Perhaps they are original shows made just for the channel, i don't know but what fun it is.

Tim makes fun of me...for paying all this money for the extra channels and only watching the one...but seriously, i do flip around the channels and even the guide to see what else is on. I am slowly trying to get used to the sheer number of channels and trying to remember them somehow. Keep in mind i am working with a diseased brain...but i really think i am doing pretty well. Late at night when mother is asleep i play around, seeing how high up the channels go, trying to get more familiar with the remote itself...which is hard to do in the dark i tell you....but as i said, i am getting there.

It is a long weekend here. It's the Victoria Day weekend, in honour of Queen Victoria's birthday. It is also the unofficial start of summer here. Lots of people off camping i'm sure...and even more up at their cottages, opening them for the season. My sister Linda and her husband Dan headed north to their cottage to do that. I hope she doesn't work too hard, she's having lots of health issues too and i worry about her, she's a hard worker and is always on the go.

We're having a quiet weekend here. For the most part, quiet and lazy. Well, i did the all the loads of laundry on Friday morning so i could take it easy. Sue has spent last night and this morning cleaning but she is also resting the rest of the weekend. Sunday i'll go get some groceries. We don't need tons but of course that never stops me from getting tons. Seriously though, i am trying to cut down on that and so trying to go weekly, usually on Fridays, rather than going a couple of times a week or whatever. We need to cut back here and i'll do my best to help out in that area.

Well...on Friday too, my nephew came home. So much for him being gone for the summer. I can't tell you how much more i enjoy this place when he isn't here. It just feels more like home than when this adult male with a severe attitude problem walks around here like he owns the place, making messes that he doesn't always clean up, monopolizing the bathroom and his crude jokes which i can do without. I am not a prude but the jokes he often tells are just plain terrible. I know he thinks he is funny or clever or both but i find him rude. He calls me, his mother and my mother, his grandmother..whores and b******...and those are the nice names. He is a smart alec with a chip on his shoulder who thinks the world (and us) owe him. Can you tell i've had enough of him. There is a long story behind all of my feelings on this subject but mainly i just think it's about time he left the nest and flew on his own...but it will never happen, he'll never grow up and you know what...i think my sister likes it that way. For some reason unbeknownst to me, she likes having him around. I just see him as another mouth to feed, more laundry to wash...who doesn't contribute to the household...financially or otherwise. Ugh. Okay enough about that.

A couple of weeks ago i bought a file cabinet. I was able to purchase it online from Staples. I purchased a bunch of things from there but i also splurged on a printer/scanner/fax machine. I haven't scanned or faxed yet. I will rarely have call to fax but it's nice to have...but the printer i will get good use of. I am going to put together a cook book of a bunch of online recipes i've found. I'll get started on that this week i think...i'm looking forward to it. ps...i think i might have mentioned all of this before, if i have, forgive me...i have trouble remembering all that i talk about here sometimes...so bear with me, please.

I finally called my doctor's office on Friday to find out why i hadn't heard anything about scheduling for my tests...turns out the nurse in charge of that is on holidays and will be back in the office on Tuesday...so i'll call back then. I feel bad for sort of chasing after them...but i'm anxious to know everything and find out where we go from here. I hope it's some good news...i'm really in need of some good news.

Thankful and waiting...

2008-05-14T10:53:00.005-04:00

The cable guy has just been. Here was here all of two minutes. All he had to do was put a new end on the cable...i asked him a couple of questions but he wasn't very helpful...he told me to call the office. I was trying to avoid that and was hoping he could answer them. Oh well...i will give them a call later. In the meantime i have three huge boxes here that the tuners came in and i'm wondering if i am expected to keep them should we ever want to return them.

One of the tuners is already disconnected. This is because my friend Rich, who hooked them up for me, informed me and my sister that she would not be able to record on any other channel except the one she was watching. When she heard that she asked him to disconnect it and put it back the way it was. So i have a tuner here that i think i have to return unless i find out if it's not true. Does anyone know? My sister records quite a bit on her VCR but doesn't want to pay the extra money for a DVR so this is the reason i'll have to call them later.

I am so tired today ...i didn't get much sleep last night and i woke up with a terrible headache. I've taken something for it and waiting and hoping it will help..in the meantime i can't do much of anything because i am waiting for a delivery and i can't vacuum or do a load of laundry in case i miss it...it really irks me to miss a delivery when i am home...so here i sit.

I haven't heard from my doctors office with my test schedule, i imagine they will call soon...at this point i welcome the break from things but i'm also anxious to know what the next steps will be. For the most part i feel good, except the painful headaches and occasional bouts of nausea...but i am still here, alive and i am very thankful for that!

An early morning blog

2008-05-13T04:50:00.002-04:00

Mother has been home close to a week and is settling in nicely. It's taking me some time to get back into the swing of things...but i'll get there.

Seems the phone never stops ringing these days, which is unusual considering my nephew isn't home. He is working out of town for a while, possibly until the end of the summer but i'll believe that when i see it. Yes i am very skeptical but that's because he doesn't hold a job very long. Thirty five years old and still living with his mother (and grandmother and aunt)...not exactly a woman's dream come true...not by a long shot.

I finished this round of treatment last Friday. So happy...but now awaiting appointments to go in and have the usual tests and scans to see where we go next. I tolerated this round very well....and hope the next round goes as well.

I have been having some severe headaches lately though. Sometimes it is just stress though. I can tell because when i have a stress headache my neck and shoulders get very tight and hurt so much. I have muscle relaxers but they don't always help. I do worry about the severity of the headaches i've been having. Will talk to my doctor next time i see him.

We had a nice Mother's day here. My sister and i had a chance to go to the mall together before she came home from the hospital and we bought her some nice things. Then i sent my sister back the Saturday prior to the day...to get a couple of other things too. Decided to spoil her a bit since she'd been so sick but also because we missed her birthday with her being in hospital at the time. For dinner, we had prime rib with all the trimmings, including Yorkshire pudding. It was delicious and practically melted in your mouth.

Last week i finally decided to order digital cable. Today the tuners arrived and so i asked my friend Rich to stop by and install them for me. What a hassle that became. I ordered three...two regular ones and one DVR for my bedroom, so that i can record on it. In the end my sister decided she didn't want one in the living room where she normally sleeps. What a pain for Rich to hook everything up then have to undo it. Mind you he didn't mind but it was all stressing me out. I also wanted a new all-in-one printer installed on my computer but it turned out i didn't have the correct cable for it. I ordered that online and it should be here in a day or two. I'm excited. I've never had a printer/fax/scanner before and i can't wait to put it to use. Rich will come back when the cord arrives...i can hardly wait.

So here it is 5am and i am still awake. I've had a severe headache tonight and while i did try to nap last night, i only slept for about an hour then woke up. In too much pain to sleep. I spent some time with Tim online. We played some Yatzee and chatted, then we shopped a bit. I ordered some more things from Staples.ca and then he was tired and went to bed. I've been bored and lonely since...but i had a nice, long hot bath and just got out a little while ago. I'm flipping the channels on the cable box and enjoying some new tv viewing...it should be fun with more to choose from.

Well it's been so long...i'm headed for your blogs to catch up with you.

Coming home tomorrow

2008-05-06T13:01:00.002-04:00

I can't believe it's been so long since i was last here, i'm sorry. Time has just flown by. I got back to my treatments finally and this week is the last for this round. I am both relieved but tentatively so because i don't know what's next yet....more, no doubt. Can i face it...yes but i wish i didn't have to...just want to go to Tim and get on with our life together.

Mother is finally coming home tomorrow after quite a lengthy hospital stay. She went in the day before her birthday, March 31. She is not wanting to come home. She is still weak and unable to walk without assistance but they feel she is ready so that is all that matters.

I think it will do her good to come home but i will miss all the alone time i've been having with Tim...am i terrible or what. Well...i guess i'm not...i can't help wanting to be with the man i love.

I had really hoped that mother would have gone into permanent care after this whole thing but she keeps telling social workers, etc...that her daughter (me) will look after her. So be it...it's fine with me until i am well enough to go be with Tim...then other arrangements will have to be made for her.

It is my off day of treatment today, so i'm just relaxing, waiting for Tim to come home and puttering around. Going to go do a bit of shopping tonight...mother's day is fast approaching.

Is anyone still out there?

ps....Cheryl..sorry for worrying you, i'll do better at keeping in touch once mother is home and settled.

A visit with my mother...

2008-04-26T01:38:00.003-04:00

I am tired but i cannot sleep. I tried.

I had my treatment for the week. Came home exhausted. Went to bed. I woke, sick...but felt a bit better after a while. I took a nice warm shower, then spent some much needed time with Tim. Not long enough though...but i had to get ready to go see mother. It was my day today. My sister and i have been trying to take turns going, to give each other a bit of a break. Sue saw mother yesterday and mother asked where i was. Sue told her i was at home resting and mother told her to tell me to get my rear end in to see her. So i went today.

I strolled up to the fourth floor, cardiology ward where she has been for the past three and a bit weeks..only to find a gentleman asleep in the bed where i usually see her. I went straight to the nurses station only to be told she'd been moved to the geriatric ward. They directed me where to go and off i went. By the time i reached mothers room, i was so tired, sweaty and feeling so ill. I did my best to be good company for her but in fact i wasn't. I didn't feel up to being there but i was pressured to be...i really just wanted to be home, in my bed.

Mother was upset that she'd been moved. She says she was drugged and moved without being told. I tried to explain that it was bound to happen and we're just lucky that she'd had the room all to her self all that time. Now she has a roommate and she is none too pleased. Mother doesn't like strangers, she prefers to be alone. I'm hoping a bit of company will cheer her up a bit ... but knowing her, it will not.

She says the nurses are meanies too...but mother has an acid tongue...and so i'm not sure how much of that to believe. I'm sure there are some instances where they might be. I have seen mother sit in soiled diapers, waiting to be changed...or waiting and waiting for medication...and no amount of gentle prodding by me or not so gentle by mother or my sister helps. They just get to them when they get to them. I suppose there is an argument to be made for nursing shortages and budget cuts but all of that is hard to think about when you have a loved one laying in a hospital bed. You want them cared for, period.

My sister came with me for groceries after i visited mother. We stopped in at Blockbuster and rented four movies. One of them was called The Savages. I hadn't realized what the subject of the movie was, i just knew i wanted to see it. As it happens, it's hitting really close to home. It's about two siblings dealing with the care of their elderly father, who has dementia and has to be placed into a nursing facility. It's had some funny point but also some really sad ones. We got tired and stopped watching it an hour and a half into it...so we'll finish it tomorrow.

After we stopped it, i called Tim, then went to sleep. I only slept for about an hour, if that. So many thoughts running through my head. When i woke, i tried to call Tim but i guess he is fast asleep. I'm hoping he'll wake up and call me.

Well i guess i will take myself back to bed and see if i can get some more sleep. I want to get as much rest as possible this weekend, i've been so very tired and it's been a very rough week.

Hope you all are well...thank you for your continued support, it means the world to me.

An update

2008-04-22T05:34:00.000-04:00

Gosh, it's been since forever since i last posted and read your blogs. I apologize for that. I apologize too for worrying those of you that did...I haven't forgotten about my blog but mother is still in hospital and lots has been going on.

There is talk about her getting out of hospital the first of this week...but mother doesn't feel ready to come home...and i'm not convinced she is either.

For one thing, she can't get out of bed on her own. She requires help to just move around in bed, she's that weak. Secondly, she is still being kept in diapers, i assume because she cannot get up on her own...and i don't think i'm up for the job of changing her diapers. I suppose that makes me horrible on some or many levels but it just seems to be where i draw the line.

On Thursday of this past week, we had a family meeting with the doctor, social worker and occupational therapist. Basically they feel they've done all they can for her...and feel she is ready to come home. My sister expressed the concerns i mentioned above and they decided to keep her in a little while longer, to hopefully help to build up her strength but i haven't seen that happen. Each day she is helped out of bed and into a chair to sit for a while but she can't do it for very long. So anyway....she may be on her way home after being in there 3 weeks tomorrow. They are sending her home with a walker, a commode chair (because of my nephews constant use of the bathroom...but that's a whole other issue) and a gel pad for the bed because she has bed sores.

Monday i finally resumed my treatment...and this morning i am paying frequent visits to the bathroom, so sick. Today is a day off so i hope to rest and be with Tim and also get over to see mother.

I hope you don't mind this quick post, i just wanted to post something. I'll be back more often once mother is home and settled and we get back into the swim of things.

I hope you all are well.

Mom

2008-04-09T10:09:00.003-04:00

No treatment for the rest of this week...hope to resume next week. Numbers are bad. Just what i need.

Had some news regarding mother. She has had an aneurysm in her stomach for many years and other than the threat of it, she has been problem free... but now it has grown considerably in size and is pressing on her liver, which is what is causing her diarrhea and vomiting and lack of appetite. Apparently the risk is greater of it bursting now that it is touching her organs. The doctor referred to mother as 'a ticking time bomb'. She is losing weight, is quite weak and is so uncomfortable in the hospital bed. They've put her on a pureed diet, along with giving her Ensure...i hope she'll tolerate it better and gain some weight back...and more importantly, get stronger and feel better.

So it's been an upsetting couple of days. Will post more soon. Thank you all for your kind words of support.

A busy weekend

2008-04-06T23:43:00.002-04:00

Sunday evening, where on earth did the weekend go. Did yours fly by too.

The weather all weekend was so perfect, i wouldn't have to hibernate during the hot, humid summer months if the weather was more like it was the past three days. Sunny and bright but breezy, bordering on cold. I know...it wouldn't be summer if it weren't for the stifling heat, ugh...but one can dream.

So...Friday i found out my white cell count was very low...so i have to have some shots to help boost it. I have to have bloodwork tomorrow, to see when i can resume my treatment. That was the beginning of my weekend.

Friday dinner time i went to the hospital to visit mother. My aunt Maude was there. It was good to see her again and though mothers side of the family is not close and rarely see each other, she's been there every day, faithfully, sometimes for hours on end. She's been a Godsend really...keeping mother company when i feel really that it should be me there...and probably would be if i didn't know my aunt was there.

Mother is doing about the same. Thursday she had a catscan and my mother says they found something on the lower bowels but i don't know what and so far i've been unable to get any clear answers, from my mother or the staff that i have spoken with. My sister will speak to them tomorrow when she goes after work, she'll get to the bottom of things. I'm not terribly assertive and feel like i am bothering the nurses when i do ask...my sister won't feel that way, she will demand to be informed....and so we should be.

Mother is still having the runs and vomiting. She had been on an iv drip with antibiotics and fluids and morphine. When i went Saturday, she was no longer on the drip but today when i went, she was back on it.

I'm just thinking now and i couldn't remember going there Saturday, let alone if she had the drip going then...but i do remember going, seeing my aunt and my sister Lane and her husband coming in and waking mother, only to visit for 10 minutes because they were off to church and some social engagement afterwards. It was dinner time and mother needed help to be fed. Lane said she would do it and was bemoaning the fact that she couldn't believe she had to feed her own mother. I couldn't believe she was making such remarks. Really, she is far and removed from the day to day care involved in looking after mother. She has her busy social life and is not about to let the fact that mother is infirm (or now in hospital) interfere with that. Mother asked her why she could only stay 10 minutes....Lane replied they had to go out...mother was sad and said is that more important than me. Perhaps a guilt trip....but Lane is never around. She rarely visits...or hardly ever calls even. At one time, the three of us talked and Lane committed to try to do more for mother...i mean even if she could just come and sit with her, spend time with her...something, anything...but so far, nothing. Just a perfuntory visit that never lasts long.

Sunday i woke up and felt well rested really. I had gone to bed when i got home from visiting mother (it tires me out) and slept right through most of the night, waking only for quick washroom breaks and drinks of water. I called Tim at one point during the night. He was asleep so we decided we'd both go back to bed and be with each other when we woke. So i slept a long, long time.

When i woke up Sunday, it was a bright, beautiful day. I asked my sister if she wanted to go shopping. I wanted to pick up something for Tim (a cross pendant for his chain) and i wanted to buy my sister some new clothes. She rarely treats herself to things and i decided, what the heck...so we each got ready and off we went. I hate shopping this time of the year. The stores are so hot...i think they still have their heat on or something...at one point i had to rush my sister along...because i desperately needed fresh air. We got everything we needed for her and left to go home. When we got home my sister tried on all of her new clothes, most were fine but there were three things that didn't fit. Darn. I'd also totally forgot about looking at crosses and forgot to get the green tea i'd wanted. She asked if she could leave them with me to exchange. I was fine with that but i didn't know when i'd get back there and if i waited for any length of time, what would the selection, size wise, be like, so we got ready again and headed back. I did the returns while she began the search for the new sizes. When i joined up w ith her, we found everything in the new sizes...and found a couple of other things...and then headed over to jewellery. I found a nice one (i hope you like it honey) and then we bought some cushions for the chairs out on the balcony and then we headed home...and guess what, for the second time, i forgot the green tea. I was so disappointed. Since Tim introduced me to Lipton's green tea, citrur flavour, i've really enjoyed it and been wanting to pick up a case of them. Next time i hope.

When sister and i got home, she tried on the new things and we rested for a while. I talked with Tim for a bit, my sister played on the computer. Then we talked about doing laundry and i was so tired by then...so my sister volunteered to do it. I was so relieved. We got it all sorted and she threw it in the washers. I had a think about it and thought since i was so tired, i'd not go visit mom....in the end my conscience got the best of me and i felt i couldn't not go. So i got myself ready (again!) and off i went out...to the hospital.

When i got there, she was fast asleep. I didn't know what to do. I was torn. A part of me wanted to write her a note, let her know i'd been and she was asleep and then go home....but the other side of me decided to sit with her for a while and see if she woke on her own. At first there was no sign of her waking...she was snoring and looked so comfortable ...but tiny in the big bed....but after about 30 minutes she began to stir and i called out to her a few times...and she finally came around and opened her eyes.

She was surprised to see me and wondered how long i'd been there. I told her not long and we talked for a w hile. She was uncomfortable and kept asking me to put pillows behind her back and neck. I did my best but even though she is so tiny, it is hard to sit her up on my own, etc....but i did my best.

I stayed until 7.30pm and then excused myself...i was starving (we hadn't eaten yet) and i needed to go home and eat. When i got home, Sue had the pasta on and the garlic bread made...we were having rigatoni and meatballs with buttery, garlicky bread, yum!

After dinner i did the dishes and Sue got started on the huge pile of ironing(most of it her new stuff). I felt pretty good up until a little while ago...now it is past midnight and i am sleepy. I just got off the phone with Tim. We aren't going to play games right now, instead we are both going to sleep for a bit and call the other when we wake.

So i will go and lay down, get some much needed sleep...but i will be around to catch up with you all soon...in the meantime, what did you do this weekend?

Further news

2008-04-03T15:20:00.002-04:00

Mother is still in hospital. We believe she will be there for some time to come. They are still running tests and trying to figure things out. Yesterday after my treatment i popped in to see her. She seemed slightly more alert than she had been the last time i was there but that is probably because she'd been on morphine.

Now they are giving her two tylenol 3's every 6 hours and she doesn't feel it's enough. She is in a great deal of pain. I just can't get over seeing her there, laying in that hospital bed...so frail, so vulnerable. I am sad and scared of what's to come. Her death weighing heavy on my mind. Not that she is near death (not that i know of) but that at her age, at any time, the possibility exists.

I face that issue with myself. I never know if i will have a tomorrow...so i try, as i might, to make the best of today.

Mother doesn't feel the same. She is full of woe-is-me sentiments and can be nasty and snippy with the nurses. I used to know my mother to hold her tongue, now she lets it all out. Where did that come from. I cringe when i hear the way she speaks to some of the staff, or about them to me or other staff. When did she become this nasty, bitter woman. I am saddened by it and right now i have such a heavy heart.

I am getting through my treatments relatively unscathed. Of course there is the usual sickness and overwhelming tiredness to deal with but i am dealing with it. I sleep a lot, i can't help that...but i often feel sad and sometimes guilty because it robs me of time with Tim. I do enjoy sleeping and i know its what helps my body heal but i want to be awake to enjoy my moments with him.

Today a parcel arrived in the mail. I thought it was some new cordless phones i'd ordered. It wasn't...it was from Tim. My Christmas parcel. We were late in sending to each other because we had hoped we could celebrate in person...but we finally decided to send them. Inside i found one of my favourite perfumes right now...Glow by JLo. I get more compliments on it when i wear it. Of course i can't wear it very often...especially when mother is around because it bothers her lungs...but i have already sprayed some on myself...and i feel pretty and girlie...not something i'm used to anymore.

Also inside was a lovely, heavy silver chain (i prefer silver to gold anyday and my engagement ring is white gold) . Just so pretty and sparkly. With that, another chain with a lovely cross. I will cherish that ...it is my first ever, made all the more special because he gave it to me. There was a book by John Grisham, who i've always enjoyed reading...and i thought it was so thoughtful of him because i've really been trying my hardest to read again. It takes some work but i've read two books lately. Another thing he sent was a DVD game of Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I tape that show daily for my mother and i to watch on the weekend...and i can't wait to try my hand at the game on my computer...wish me luck.

Hmmm, let's see...what else was there...oh yeah...my favourite...a baseball cap. A University of Kentucky Wildcats hat. I love it and will wear it often. Enclosed too was a stocking full of candies, something called Now and Laters (i think thats what they're called) which he sent me before and i gobbled them up...ooooh and some Lifesavers and last back not least...a real treat for me since we do not have them here in Canada...White chocolate Reese's peanut butter cups. Mmmmm...yummy! I haven't had one yet but i will soon. Isn't he lovely for sending me all of these things.

Well...i should go lay down. I am not feeling well. Not sure if i'll get over to see mom today because of it...but we'll see. I might feel better when i've had a nap...the only thing is...my doctor is concerned since my mother is in isolation and you have to wear latex gloves and a gown to see her...he wants me to find out why because i can't remember right now. So it might be better if i don't go today until i know, especially since i don't feel well....but oh the guilt for staying home.

News on mother

2008-04-01T04:31:00.002-04:00

Mother has finally gone to hospital. I called for an ambulance to take her around 6pm, they did not arrive until almost 7.30 pm. Since it wasn't an emergency, per se, we kept getting bumped down the list.

She did not want to go, she cried and carried on a little but in the end we made her see sense... she was only getting weaker and she needed to be seen. She fears she may not 'come out' of hospital or that they will find something seriously wrong, as if what she already has isn't serious enough. I feel so relieved now, at peace that she is in the hands of people who will take care of her and find out what is wrong.

My sister accompanied her to the hospital but the paramedics warned us that all of the local hospitals were swamped and she'd be in for a long wait. Sister stayed until almost 11pm then came home at mother's insistance, thank goodness. I was told to stay home and rest, thankfully...since i'd had my treatment today. I will go and see mother in the morning. I am really hoping they will admit her and look after her for a day or so, if not more. I think she really needs the care and it's obvious that something is wrong. We should have made her go sooner...i have such guilt over that... but she is a grown woman and has a mind of her own and she can be downright stubborn.

So i will keep you posted.

Tomorrow promises to be a busy day. I want to go get my hair cut off. It is thinning badly and not that it's long or anything but what the heck, i may as well go with the flow. I might get it coloured too...as a last hurrah, but we shall see. This is just a thought i had...i need a hair cut badly...we'll see how tomorrow pans out. Tim has a medical appointment tomorrow (technically today now i guess) so he'll be busy for a large part of the day. I haven't seen him much at all the last few days, i've been sleeping so much...but i hope to remedy that soon.

Well i am going to see about reading your blogs, i didn't get around to all of them yesterday...so i'll get myself a fresh glass of ice water and read on.

A bit of fun...will you play along?

2008-03-31T01:59:00.002-04:00

This was a challenge from Cheryl at Ladeda....i'm going to try it out, let me know if you do too so i can read yours.

You

Can

Only

Type

One

Word

Answers

It's not as easy as you think...but have fun!

1. Where is your mobile phone? desk

2. Your signifigant other? Tim

3. Your hair? Thinning

4. Your mother? Ill

5. Your father? Deceased

6. Your favourite thing? Vanilla

7. Your dream last night? Death

8. Your favourite drink? Water

9. Your dream/goal? Live

10. The room you're in? Bedroom

11. Your ex? Gone

12. Your fear? Death

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Louisville

14. Where were you last night? Bed

15. What you're not? Racist

16. Muffins? Bran

17. One of your wish list items? Phone

18. Where you grew up? Hamilton

19. The last thing you did? Posted

20. What are you wearing? Jammies

21. Your tv? On

22. Your pets? Cats

23. Your computer? Lifeline

24. Your life? Stressful

25. Your mood? Scared

26. Missing someone? Tim

27. Your car? None

28. Something you're not wearing? Undergarments

29. Favourite Store? Sears

30. Your summer? Hibernating

31. Like someone? Yes

32. Your favourite colour? Purple

33. When is the last time you laughed? Today

34. When is the last time you cried? Tonight

35. Who will re-post this? All?

That was fun...i hope you'll play along...let me know, k.

ps...eye crisis over...was very scary (could you tell?)...i have no idea what that was.

My eyes

2008-03-31T01:15:00.003-04:00

I am scared right now...my eyes are acting funny...a blotch started out small..but is really growing in size...it is weird shaped but is outlined in dazzling lines, sparkly and moving around the blob...i've never had this happen before...has anyone else?

It is seriously affecting my sight right now..it is there when my eyes are open and when they are closed...what is happening, what is this, what does it mean...have any of you had such a thing happen?

Help.

Sunday night late

2008-03-31T00:22:00.002-04:00

Getting ready for another week of treatment. Week three. I know i can do it but i can't wait for it to be over. Three days a week is really getting to me. I am so very tired all of the time, it's so hard tending to mother these days. Making meals can be torture when you are feeling nauseous...but it has to be done. The only thing is, mother is barely eating. She is still unwell. We had a urine sample tested and they found she has a bladder infection (does that cause the diarrhea and vomiting, i don't know)...i need to call the doctors office on Monday to ask. She needs to be seen but is refusing to go. She wants to be home. I am of the mind to call an ambulance and have her taken to the hospital. Surely they would treat her much better there than i can do here....but she cries and whines and does not want to go. I think i will just have to make the decision for her after i've spoken to the doctors office, to tell them how sick she still is. They did give her antibiotics and at least she is tolerating them, she often has a tough time with them.

Have i ever talked about the fact that my adult nephew lives here with us? He is 35 and acts like an immature teenager and has a terrible mouth on him. He has no respect for his mother nor mother or myself. He calls us rude names and makes all sorts of comments...but the worst thing is, he is a scammer and fast talker. I'll go into him another time because i just don't want to talk much about him....i just want him out but my sister won't put him out. She is enabling him and we are guilty of that too. The craziness has to stop, it is doing my head in and i don't need to be dealing with all of this right now, nor does mother. At this point in her life she deserves some peace.

Other than all of this 'stuff' going on, i have had a very lazy weekend. I slept most of it away though...spending some time in between sleeps and naps with Tim. My sister rented two movies this weekend. We watched one last night, Oscar nominated Atonement. I fell asleep last night so had to watch it again this morning. It was very good, i really enjoyed it. The second movie was called Becoming Jane. I didn't see it. My sister was in a big rush to take them back to the store. It wasn't one i'd been wanting to see so it was no big deal, i just enjoy watching movies. Usually i have popcorn with it but i didn't this time...oh well, next time.

Well i am going to head to your blogs now...see you there.

Thursdays ramblings

2008-03-27T09:55:00.002-04:00

Time seems to fly in between my posts. I apologize for that, there is a lot going on.

The treatments you know about...Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. This is my second week...almost done for this one and craving the weekend and two days off in a row. Joy. Needless to say, i'm sick...and tired, so very tired and oh the headaches. I won't drone on about them, suffice it to say...they hurt.

On top of that, mother is ill. We think she hasn't gotten over her kidney infection. She is having trouble urinating and she also has the runs. I know, not pleasant...but it's been going on for over a week now. She isn't eating much at all. She won't see the doctor and does not want to go to the hospital. The doctor has requested the local lab come by and take a urine sample...but so far they haven't come and i am worried. I've never seen her this way. She looks so tiny, so frail. When she is sleeping i check her to make sure she is still breathing. Worried, indeed. We can't let this go untreated much longer though, we'll have to put our foot down and have an ambulance come and take her to hospital... even if the lab comes today (or tomorrow) it will be next week before we get the results. Sigh.

I also have some computer problems. Not hardware related, thankfully... but at least if it were that, it could be replaced and sorted out. Right now i am in a frustrating place... waiting for an installation disc from my isp to reinstall MSN Premium. I was told to uninstall it (long story) and now i can't get it reinstalled. I've tried doing it from an online download site and it just keeps getting stuck...hence them sending me out a disc. The whole disc thing got complicated...again a long story (isn't every story w ith your isp) but i hope for its arrival in 5-7 business days. I won't hold my breath...just in case. As well as problems with my MSN Premium, i've been having problems using IE 7 and playing on Pogo...but i think i have that problem solved (fingers and toes crossed)....and as if that weren't enough...i keep getting an error message from my Windows XP on startup...something about the drive not being ready. I think this might mean that i need to do some kind of repair with my Windows....but between that and that problems with MSN Premium, i am worried sick that i will lose all of the beautiful emails that Tim has written me over the past few months. I hope it won't come to that. I wish i had printed them all out...heck i wish i had a printer....but now, here i am...at a loss and still keeping my toes and fingers crossed and saying a prayer that i don't lose them, they mean that much to me.

On a happier note...some time ago i mentioned Tim had sent me a gift. It was a lovely teddy bear from the Vermont Teddy Bear company....a beautiful white angel teddy bear. She is positively darling and i cried when i got her because the card from Tim said that angels were watching over me. So touching. He really is a lovely man.

Which brings me to the parcel i sent Tim. Hooray he received it on Tuesday, finally. I sent him a bunch of things..including an iPOD shuffle and some monogrammed cufflinks...a silver chain and some cologne. Some other things too, which escape my diseased brain right now....but the most important thing was the laptop. Hooray! He has it. I am so glad i sent it to him. He's been busy working on it, loading his programs, etc on to it and perhaps today he will try it out when we get together online to talk and play.

I've been meaning to ask...is the font okay for all of you? I hope it is large enough...please let me know if it isn't.

I think i will go lay down for a while. I had trouble sleeping last night. I laid awake for ever flipping around the tv channels...looking for something to watch....when i did try to sleep i tossed and turned...so i haven't slept much. I will catch up w ith you at some point later today...for now my bed calls....if i can keep out of the bathroom long enough to sleep.

So tired

2008-03-24T01:01:00.002-04:00

I hope all of you had a happy Easter. Mine was quiet, uneventful....all of us here have been feeling unwell and none of us felt like making a big meal (ie, turkey and the trimmings) so we had a quiet day, like the rest of the weekend. I did go grocery shopping yesterday. I don't know how i did it when all i seem to want to do these days is sleep, a direct result of the chemo. I slept most of Sunday and Sunday night, i don't know how i do it but i can just wake up and feel so tired i can fall back to sleep with no problem at all.

I didn't have my treatment on Friday so it's been a long weekend off for me, i'll be back to it Monday, bright and early. Week two of six.

Well, i don't have much to say so i'll close and go read your blogs....i'll write again tomorrow.

Good morning

2008-03-18T05:55:00.003-04:00

Early Tuesday morning and i'm feeling rough from yesterdays treatment. I slept the moment i got home practically. I'd been up most of the night prior, full of angst and unable to sleep. Tim kept me company, we talked and played and whitened our teeth together, he is so good to be with, even through the silent times, when neither of us is speaking...it is just such a comfort to know he is with me.

Monday, when i got home, as i said, i slept...and slept and slept. I did make dinner for everyone but it wasn't hard, i just reheated leftovers from Sundays delicious dinner of roast, yorkshire pudding and all of the rest of the trimmings. Sunday it was so good...Monday i wanted nothing to do with it so the others ate happily. I had some bread, had to have something on my stomach but at least it was something.

By 8pm or so i was back in bed. I saw a bit of Dancing with the Stars, i think it will be a fun go round, i'm looking forward to it but just couldn't stay awake. I was asleep off and on, up and out of bed from time to time only to slip back in. I was feeling so tired, so weak and just generally unwell. Around 3 or 4 am i called Tim...we met online and played a few games of rummy and a bit of chess...but we said our goodnights and i'll be going to bed myself shortly, i just wanted to post before doing so.

I'm also getting together some things i am sending to Tim today, via UPS. I will take everything to the store and have them parcel it up. I am sending my laptop and various other things, including the gifts i bought him for Christmas. We'd each been holding on to them, to celebrate when we got together but since we are unsure when that will be, i want to send them to him. I am really looking forward to sending him the laptop. His is old and causes him some problems and it is making me feel good to be able to send it to him...besides, it is probably more than a bit selfish of me..i am afraid of his dying and not being able to spend time with him as we do each day and night. See, selfish aren't i.

As i am sure you may have n oticed, i can't quite figure out which font i've been using....hence the differences. This one is Georgia...and i'm trying hard to remember it so that i can keep on using it...i don't like using all different fonts but i just can't remember which one i had been using.

Mother is asleep and has been doing pretty well. She has been taking an anti-depressant for a little over a month and oh boy, what a difference they've made. She isn't nearly as panicky (though she does have some moments of it) it hardly compares to the way she used to be. I can leave the room for brief periods without her shouting for me in a panicked state...which has taken a lot of pressure off of me. It was just getting too much to have to be with her nearly every minute. Having chemo now for three days a week will be much easier now that she is more stable, thank goodness.

My sister went to the dentist yesterday and had her teeth cleaned. I intend on doing that soon, hence my whiteneing them...isn't that silly, whitening them to go see the dentist...kind of like cleaning before the cleaning lady comes.

Well i had better head to bed and get at least a couple of hours of sleep. I am waiting for a parcel to arrive from Tim. He sent me something but i have no clue what...he is such a dear heart about giving gifts....and i can hardly wait to find out what it is. Recently i sent him a couple of things. I sent him a cheese basket, with various kinds of cheeses and some jerky (which he enjoys) and i think salami, crackers and some rye bread. He is enjoying it i think...and i also bought him some new cordless phones. His were going and i was being selfish again, wanting to be sure to be able to get hold of him...they are cool looking phones. I included him in the process of finding them. I wanted him to like them. I thought of getting myself the same ones but we decided it was silly to have four phones (they came with two handsets and an answering machine) when we move in together....he was right of course. Monday i ordered him a little surprise again...i hope he likes it but i ca n't tell you what it is or it will ruin it for him, since he reads this (hello honey). I will tell you after he's received it, what it was and why i sent it.

Off to bed finally...i've blathered on far too much already. Hope you all had a happy St Patrick's day....i hope none of you are hung over from the green beer or the Guiness and i hope you all have a great Tuesday.

A bundle of nerves

2008-03-16T18:51:00.003-04:00

Just a quick note to all of you to let you know i've been sick, a flu bug or something... and now i'm having computer issues...grrr, so frustrating. I am waiting for my ISP to send me a disk, it should arrive in a few days then i'll hopefully be able to get it all sorted out.

Tomorrow i resume my chemo treatments. I am nervous about it, i don't know why...i've been sick for so many years that you think it would be old hat ...but it isn't and i feel like a school-girl all nervous about the first day of school...silly i know, but there you have it.

I have to get caught up on all of your blogs and i look forward to doing that, i've missed reading you all. I hope this quick missive finds you all well.

Oh so cranky...

2008-03-05T17:08:00.002-05:00

It has been a very lazy day for me, though in the last 90 minutes i've had a bit of a spurt of energy. In that time i have tidied up, vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom sink and toilet (does anyone like doing that?) and just now threw in a load of towels, stuff i didn't wash yesterday. I don't know why this spurt....but i'm going with the flow, despite how i feel.

I'm feeling crampy and back-achey...oh and the ever present head-achey too and in general just don't feel well. You must get tired of hearing about my headaches but they are related to my tumour. I get so tired of having them...and my mother is fed up hearing me say i have a bad headache... but what can i say. Maybe she should stop asking what's wrong with me...and just assume i am not feeling well. Maybe that is a safe bet. Or i'm just in a cranky mood.

What a day...

2008-03-04T14:49:00.003-05:00

So i went to see my oncologist this morning. After my last scan there had been a further very slight (ge gives me numbers which i never remember, darned tumour) reduction in my tumour....when he said that that's all i could think of...and probably heard nothing more, until he said things are such that we should resume chemo treatments and that he feels very positive about getting some good results. I'll be having it four days a week for 6 weeks. They will call me with the start date. I am not looking forward to it but of course it must be done...and the sooner the better. I want to get on with things so that i can get well and be with Tim.

When i came home from the doctors i changed into my jammies and laid down, i was tired and really hadn't slept much last night. While laying there, my nose suddenly began to run...i sniffled and kind of wiped it but it got worse...then i realized i was having a nose bleed. It bled quite a bit (so it seemed) because it got all over my pillow and quilt ...down my jammies..and when i stood up, dripped on the carpeting (oh lovely) until my mother was able to shove some kleenex my way so that i could get it under control. I felt shakey and lightheaded, i think mostly from the sight of all of the blood everywhere....but i already had a bad headache, the nosebleed seemed to make it worse...by then my head was throbbing.

After i got changed and tidied up...thankfully with some cold soapy water it came out of the carpeting...but it meant i'd be doing laundry to wash clothes and bedding. Ugh. I did not feel like doing this today. I finally got it all going now...i can't wait for it to finish so that i can lay down...on a nice, fresh washed bed.

After all that had happened and before i put the laundry in i went to the grocery store to pick up a few items, the most important item being laundry soap. I'd been for a major shop on Sunday but had forgotten all about detergent...we were all out so i had to go get some. I really did not feel like going but stuff had to be washed, i didn't want the stains to set.

I didn't pick up very much but i did get a garden salad for dinner with some boneless pork chops that i'll bread (if i can find the energy). At this point i just want to sleep...isn't that always the case with me, i am always so tired....that and my monthly friend has arrived. No i am not complaining..it's such a good thing but along with it, as you ladies know, comes the pain and discomfort. Suffice it to say i feel crappy today.

I really hope you're having a better day...i will be by your blogs later, to see what all of you are up to.

An award

2008-03-02T01:55:00.003-05:00

I am sorry i haven't been around, i have really not been doing well. Will post when i am feeling better.

Deena was thoughtful and thought of me when she handed out this lovely award...i'd like to give it to the following people.

Thank all of you so much...i love each and every one of your blogs and i appreciate you reading mine and leaving comments when you do. I really wanted to give it to all of you because i do love all of you for being my blogging friends.

Deena i wish i could give it back to you too but i guess that would be silly...thank you again for thinking of me!

Deena

2008-02-27T19:28:00.003-05:00

My blogger friend Deena is battling stage 4 breast cancer. She just posted pics of herself, bald. I admire her for having the strength and confidence to do so. Please stop by her blog, see the stunning beauty that she is and wish her well, perhaps, if you are so inclined, say a prayer for her...she is a lovely woman and the epitome of grace.

Deena...you are an inspiration to me, you made me cry tonight...thank you for helping me to feel.

Grace

2008-02-27T19:25:00.001-05:00

grace:the definition

1. elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion or action
2. a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment
3. favour or good will
4. a manifestation of favour
5. mercy, clemency, pardon: an act of grace

MyTim

2008-02-27T18:59:00.003-05:00

So, yesterday was the 26th of February. One year ago that day my Tim had his car accident. He was severely injured, breaking his neck and wrist and various other things. An angel was with him that night and saved his life. That angel brought him into my life, you see if Tim hadn't had that accident, he'd never have been online, he'd never have joined MySpace (which is where we met) and we'd never have met. Our worlds collided one magical day when angels brought us together and i've been thanking them, and God, for bringing him into my life.

Tim...i am so glad you survived your car accident and so blessed that you found me and we discovered our love for each other...here's to you, to us...may our love last forever and you always be safe.

Keeping in touch...

2008-02-26T09:17:00.002-05:00

This post will be a short one, to let you all know i am still alive and kicking. I have a excruciatingly bad headache right now so do not want to be in front of my computer for too long. I just wanted to let you know, as it's been a few days since i posted.

Nothing new here on the home front or otherwise. I go for another scan on Thursday, that will go well i'm sure...and my doctor will have the results and see me the following week.

It is snowing here as i type this. I know some of you are over winter already but i'm loving it, it's so pretty...i just wish Tim were here so he could take me for a walk in it.

Speaking of Tim, we've been playing a new game on Pogo called Shuffle bump. It's a two player game (well duh!) that is kind of like shuffle board, fun! We of course still play chess and i have to tell you i win the odd game too. When i do i am positively as giddy as a school girl...well you would be too if you were me. I think we've played some three hundred games, of that i've won about 25 and we've drawn on about 30. Drawing frustrates me...sometimes i just can't close the deal when i have his king on the run. He is has been trying to teach me but i'm not a quick study, bless his heart, he is a patient man.

Well i am going to try to get to all of your blogs. I will be back soon. Hope i didn't bore you with the chess part, what can i say, it thrills me.

After my nap

2008-02-22T16:35:00.003-05:00

I have finally dragged myself out of bed and i'm here, online..waiting for Tim. We will spend some time together playing games and talking...i can't wait for him to get here.

My head hurts...it has eased a bit but i'm still in pain. Being in pain scares me and i want to cry but i am really trying hard not to. It doesn't help and often just makes it worse.

Mother has been great. She has allowed me to sleep. I got her some lunch before i laid back down earlier. She just had a tea and sandwich, she hasn't much of an appetite right now. Thankfully curling was on and it's kept her entertained.

When i got out of bed i brushed my hair, got dressed...cleaned my face and brushed my teeth. I have been lax when it comes to doing that (the teeth bit) and so now they are bothering me and bleeding a lot when i do brush. Not something i'm proud to admit but i'll take care of it. I have to go to the dentist and have my teeth cleaned soon...now it will have to wait until my teeth are in better shape. I really am ashamed i've let them go...it's not like me, i used to be a fanatic about brushing, etc. Have any of you ever had problems with your teeth?

Friday morning

2008-02-22T09:19:00.002-05:00

I woke up a little while ago with a very painful headache. My head is thumping and feels like it is going to explode...i just want to cry but crying makes it worse. I have taken some pain medication for it, just some over the counter stuff to start, to see if it will help without taking the major meds i have for pain, which tend to knock me out (which is often a good thing) but today i have things to do. It is Friday, time to do my list.

For all of my talking (complaining) i do about said list, it really isn't so bad. My sister chose small jobs ....the least i can do is do them....and so i will but later...for now i think i'll go back to bed. Mother is still asleep and it's quiet, so quiet...so off i go.

See you later....in less pain i pray.

I feel lazy

2008-02-21T11:06:00.002-05:00

It is promising to be a relatively relaxing day. I don't have much to do today, unless i find something for myself.

I need to head to the grocery store....there are a few things that we need, that i forgot when i was there last night. Yes, that's right...i was there last night and got quite a bit but certainly not tons. My nephew drove me over and waited for me while i shopped. I tried to be quick but i do love to grocery shop....so today i have to head over again. I think i have to wait until my sister gets home though, which i really hate but mother is worried about being alone and having a panic attack.

Last night we had hamburgers and they were really yummy. Today i am making a hamburger stew. I was going to make a ham but my mother thought it might be a good idea to make the stew as it would be something easy my sister could chew since she is finally seeing the dentist today regarding her toothache. I just emailed her to see how she made out and i haven't heard back yet, hopefully she is doing okay.

Yesterday we had a visit from mothers new social worker. She was basically here to talk to us about mother going into a nursing home. She took some basic information from her and is going to mail out a package about homes available to mother then she will come back in two weeks to go over things. Going by what mother had to say to her, i'd say she has no plans on going into care but maybe she will change her mind. I want to gently sway her that way without her feeling unwanted...it's a fine line, i'll have to delicate.

Speaking of mother...she is happily watching The Price is Right. It's one of her favourite shows, another one being Wheel of Fortune. She is a fan of all game shows really and i confess to liking them too. We watched the show that was on the other night, i think it was called 'My Dad is Better Than Your Dad' or something like that. It was fun and seemed to keep mother interested.

Well i had better get going on the stew i am making...though i do just feel very lazy...i think it will be one of those days.

An award from Gabriel

2008-02-19T16:24:00.003-05:00

I tried to post this earlier and had a lot of problems, let's hope it goes better this time.

I was given this award by Gabriel. I am honoured that he bestowed this upon my humble little blog. I thank you Gabriel for thinking of me...you've made a very special day even happier, thank you!

I am thankful...

2008-02-19T12:56:00.002-05:00

I just got home a little while ago from my appointments. I called Tim the moment i could and now i'm bursting to share the news with you, my dear blog friends.

Saw my oncologist first. For some unexplained reason, my tumour has reduced in size by 25%. He had no medical explanation for it but said sometimes these things happen. I think it's all of the prayers and good vibes you've all been sending...that and the love of a good man, my Tim. The doctor does want me to go for another MRI but i am quite happy to do that, they will schedule me in and then call me. After they have the results of that they will see me again and plan what will happen next. I am so happy today, i'm positively giddy!

On another awesome note, my kidneys have returned to normal functionality and so the kidney doctor has okayed me resuming chemo if that is what my oncologist wishes. Hooray!

So i am home and happy as all get out. Tim is off to a medical appointment that he has this afternoon. I was going to go out to the UPS store today but i think i'll stay home and do it tomorrow. I am sending my laptop to Tim. His is old and i want him to have this one. All it does it sit on the floor collecting dust. I really thought i'd use it more but i don't....and i want him to have it. It really is better for me to get out of bed once in a while and so it really does me some good. I called the UPS store when i got home to get an idea of how much it will cost to ship. A small fortune with insurance but well worth it, especially since it will mean hours and hours of time spent with my guy, hopefully with less problems for him.

Well i think i'll stop by the Microsoft site, see if they can help solve a problem i'm having...or maybe i'll just stop into your blogs and see what you've been up to.

Today i am truly blessed.

Nerves getting the best of me...

2008-02-19T08:19:00.002-05:00

I have two doctors appointments today. One with my oncologist, the other with the specialist regarding my kidneys. I am nervous about both.

I have been trying to keep myself busy since i woke up...showering, getting ready, talking with Tim, making mothers breakfast...but still the nerves persist. I just wish time would pass a little quicker, it seems to be dragging on and on. I have to leave in about twenty minutes now, thank goodness...wish me luck.

Mmmmm, dinner

2008-02-17T18:19:00.002-05:00

Well i did end up going for groceries last night. Got lots of goodies, including some chips and ice cream, though i've not had any yet. The store was surprisingly busy, i've not seen it like that the few times i've shopped in the wee hours. Of course, i was the one with the biggest order. I spent a small fortune but got lots of yummy things.

I bought two small roasting chickens, which is what i am cooking for dinner. It's almost like Christmast dinner, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberries, peas, cauliflower and broccoli. Should be yummy and make mother happy, it's one of her favourite meals.

I took my list with me last night but i forgot to check it at the store...it was only when i got home that i realized the things i'd forgotten, one of them being tea bags....which are most important around here because my mother and sister drink a few cups a day....sooooo, off i went out this afternoon to my regular grocery store, to pick up the few things (and then some) that i'd forgotten. While there i picked up a couple of pork tenderloins..i will make them tomorrow for dinner...or maybe not till Tuesday...at least that's dinner planned out for the next couple of days, hooray. I don't know about you but it can be hard coming up with ideas for dinner.

So dinner is cooking now and it smells yummy....what are you having?

Late night grocery shopping

2008-02-16T23:57:00.003-05:00

I have barely gotten out of bed today. I just have zero energy and feel so very tired. Add to that a very painful headache and you get me, a complete lazy bones today.

For the most part, mother has been understanding...as understanding as she will allow herself to be. We had a bit of drama today though because mother accidententally took two of her antibiotic tablets instead of two tylenol. I assured her she'd be fine, after all many times i've been given antibiotics and been instructed to take two right away to get it into my system but mother wasn't having that. She didn't believe in what i was telling her and wanted to hear something from a professional. We ended up calling our pharmacy, thank goodness they were still open...and we spoke to the pharmacist. He was very nice and reassured us that mother would be just fine. In essence he told mother what i had but she believed it coming from him. She was very relieved and was better off the rest of the day. She hasn't had much of an appetite lately, though she is still eating...so i didn't have to make much today. For dinner i didn't cook. Mother just wanted some soup and since i was feeling so poorly i assumed the others could feed themselves. I didn't eat, still haven't but i'm not feeling very hungry, though i am craving some ice cream and potato chips.

We are expecting a winter storm, hooray. I still haven't felt well enough to get out and go for groceries so i doubt i'll get out tomorrow. I'm thinking of going to a 24 hour store right now. I feel like going but i have to talk to mother about it.

I am back...have talked to mother and decided i'm going out to the store...so i'll end this but i'll be back later.

Puttering

2008-02-15T12:23:00.002-05:00

Today i am in a puttering mood. I've been working on my list (for those of you who don't know, months ago my sister gave me a laminated list of chores to do weekly and monthly) of chores, though my sister has cut me a bit of slack and said not to worry about too much of it. I'm still going through the motions though...as i said, i'm just in the mood.

I spoke to my doctors office and they scheduled me in for Monday, 9.30am. I am always happy to have early appointments, it's better than sitting around all day worrying, as i do. Tuesday i see the doctor regarding my kidneys. I hope they are back to normal so i can resume my chemo...i will keep you posted.

Mother is having a tough day of it today. She's in and out of the bathroom (i promise i will say no more). I gave her some of my Immodium, hopefully it will help. Other than that, she seems to be having an 'okay' day. When she isn't in panic mode, i count that as such a blessing because i find it so hard to deal with. I don't know where all of my patience have gone...perhaps so many years of dealing with her have done away with them. I do feel such guilt though...i am doing the best i can do right now...but i think i should be doing better. I will work on it. Lord knows i am far from perfect...but i guess under the circumstances i don't need to be.

I haven't taken anything out for dinner yet. I have no idea what to have. Having to plan meals and do the cooking and dishes is taking it's toll on me. I am tired of cooking the same old t hings but mother likes the same old things. Tim and i have spent countless amounts of time online looking for recipes i could try. I sent them all to my sister at work and she printed them out and brought them home, only to be told "yuck" by my mother. Sigh.

Tim and i found some great recipes for the slow cooker. It was his idea, suggesting i could put it on in the morning, perhaps even before i go for treatment, then it'd be ready for dinner in the evening. My sister tried one of the recipes one Sunday. It didn't turn out the greatest but it was worth a try...but mother hated it and has barred me from trying any other new recipes. I had such plans, sigh.

Tonight i have to go for groceries. I think i mentioned it in an earlier post. It will be another big shop i think...we are running out of things left and right. I hope i have the energy to go. Right now i am feeling okay but that could easily change. I find myself so tired all of the time, seems all i do is sleep anymore. I am usually awake for a couple of hours and then i need to sleep...and not just a nap but for hours, usually two to three...then awake for a couple and well, you see how it goes. I really am not much help to mother at all, as she keeps on reminding me...i am sorry for that but i can't help it.

Well i had better go finish up my list....then call Tim, he is waiting for me to call him. I hope he feels better today. He had a bad headache last night so the two of us went to bed earlier than we normally do. I can't wait to hear his voice again.

I hope you all have a great weekend...i'll stop by soon to visit you all.

T.G.i.F.

2008-02-15T03:45:00.002-05:00

I had another rough day today. I just can't seem to shake this headache. I take oxy contin and they just aren't touching the pain. I need to speak to my oncologist about it and see if there isn't something different i can try. Back to morphine perhaps.

Since i was in such pain and so tired, i spent a lot of time in bed today. My mother was not amused but it meant i didn't get to spend much time with Tim. I missed him terribly..it was our first Valentine's day today, the first of many to come. We did spend a few hours tonight together and as always that was fun, i love him so.

I have to get up early in the morning ...well early for me, 9am, to call my doctors office and to call the occupational therapist that is trying to make an appointment to come and talk about mother. We are hoping she will make arrangements for mother to get a commode chair. We only have one bathroom here and my nephew seems to monopolize the bathroom. Mother has irritable bowel and so she frequently needs the bathroom. I have no idea why my adult nephew spends so much time in the bathroom. He baths several times a day. I think he is up to something in there but i cannot prove it. He is a former drug user and i'm not so sure the former is accurate, but as i say, i can't back that up with anything...other than suspicion. He drives us crazy, always going in there..to bathe or wash or shave, multiple times a day, i mean how many times does a man need to shave a day. The lad needs a job, a steady job but that is a whole other story.

Tomorrow, rather..today (since it's almost 4am) i have to do my list of chores and also do some grocery shopping. I can't do groceries until my sister gets home from work because mother will panic if left alone...don't want that to happen. It won't take me long to do my list but i do have to do laundry too. I hope to feel energetic in the morning to get it done then so that i can spend time with Tim...so i'd better go get some sleep.

So glad some of you have found me, i hope others do too...

Happy Hump day!

2008-02-13T07:50:00.003-05:00

I feel terrible right now...in pain, head pain. I've taken my pain medication but it just isn't touching it...so here i am, blogging.

Tim and i just played some pool online. We play that on Pogo but we also play at a new site called Gamedesire . It has some good games there and it is also free to play on but like Pogo, there is a VIP account that you can pay to join. We haven't done that, though we have on Pogo. We enjoy our time together, playing, talking and having lots of laughs. We really are good together.

Today i am hoping to get out for a while and do some shopping. We don't need a lot, i just did do a big shop...but i do want to get out into the fresh air and breathe it in.

I have a doctors appointment this week but i cannot find the paper where i wrote it down...so i am going to have to call the office today and find out. I really should get a card each time or add it to my Blackberry but i'd lose it too i'm sure.

I am listening to some music as i'm typing this...by my favourite band, The Tragically Hip...it's been a while since i've been able to listen to some music because the sound on my computer was not working. I had no idea why and tried doing a system restore to an earlier date when it was working but that didn't work. The other night Tim and i were talking about it and he made a suggestion...which i tried when i discovered that my old headset was still set as my current headphones. When i changed it over to the current set i am using, voila! it worked. Yay! Mystery solved. Now i can enjoy Jay's vlogs with sound, sounds on the game sites and of course my music. Thank goodness all this time i didn't lose the ability to chat voice with Tim.

So i mentioned my Blackberry. I am wondering if anyone else has one and if you do, how do you go about downloading ringtones? I enjoy the ringtone i am currently using but i do like a change every now and again. Help!

Well i had better go read your blogs before i get too tired to enjoy them...then i'll head to bed for some sleep.

Welcome to all of you...

2008-02-13T02:40:00.004-05:00

Welcome to the new home for Grace, too. Please bear with me as i work out all the kinks and get it all put together the way i want it. It may look familiar to some of you...that is because i really do love the colour scheme...i'll just be making minor changes...but the main part of moving it was two fold. The address to the former Grace, too was a painful reminder of a very painful part of my life, a part that i am ready to move past now that i have Tim and we are so happy together.

Secondly somehow i'd lost my profile and now i've got it back. I'll work on that too over the next few days.

So i hope you found me alright and will keep coming to read me. I will try to post daily but i hope you'll forgive me when i don't....i will always keep in touch.

Thank you for coming...please update your blog lists. Thank you again.

Warmly,
Jamie